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Reviews from
Leaving


You're and Your-Before and After

  51 total reviews 
Comment by
rama devi
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  151
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Usually I do not find the repeated line openings appealing but in this case they work superbly well with the play on you're and your and the (parenthetical comments) offering an intriguing counterpoint effect. The bouncy beat is ironically happy-sounding. The rhyming is good...especially liked half and laugh. Good emotional overtones and subtle ironic satire.

Hope it's fictional?

Smiling,
rd


 Comment Written 03-Mar-2014



reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Very fictional, my friend. Thanks so much, Rama. I actually really enjoyed writing this one, and I appreciate your wonderful thoughts.

reply by rama devi on 03-Mar-2014
    Figured it was fictional... :-))
Comment by
Walter L. Jones
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Your gift brings smiles and thought, outlet. for sore eyes, watching the structure, feeling the growth, accepting truth, thanks for the mile today..Walt


 Comment Written 03-Mar-2014



reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Thank you so much, my friend. I very much appreciate the great review AND the sixer.
Comment by
Dawn of Tomorrow
Level 2 Pro
Always dreaming
of illusive love
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Ahh what we show on the outside is seldom what we feel on the inside. This shows that well. Go ahead and leave, Oh my God what am I going to do? Nicely done. Good to see you're nominee for poem of the month. I bet you win it.


 Comment Written 03-Mar-2014



reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Thank you, JL. I appreciate that, my friend. I'm not sure about winning, though. I'm not as popular as I used to be, and I think that figures in more than anything.

reply by Dawn of Tomorrow on 03-Mar-2014
    You'll win! Wanna bet?

reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Sure!

reply by Dawn of Tomorrow on 03-Mar-2014
    So what should we bet?

reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Let's ruminate over that.

reply by Dawn of Tomorrow on 03-Mar-2014
    LOL let's do that
Comment by
Sylvia Page
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Here's another of those heart to heart, tongue-in-the-cheek semi dialogues. Who's leaving? David I hope you don't mind my saying that you are one hellav great poet to be constructing a poem like this. Well done.
Cheers
Sylvia


 Comment Written 03-Mar-2014



reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Mind? I'm very grateful, Sylvia. Thank you VERY much for that compliment. I was, and am, afraid that a lot of the nuances used in this one will be missed due to the read/review speed here, so I thank you for catching it.
Comment by
Righteous Riter
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Good use of the abab rhyme scheme. Good end rhyming. Good perfect rhyming with day/way. Good alliteration with bloody/band...well/won't...muse/my. Good Complimentary photo followed by a message that is well thought out.


 Comment Written 03-Mar-2014



reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Thank you very much, RR.
Comment by
SPIsanddollar
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Capturing the emotion of the passion....then reality sets in! Good use of You're and Your....but the constant question and repetition somehow "bothered" me...yet, depicting the echo in one's heart upon losing a loved one!
I enjoyed reading this work.


 Comment Written 03-Mar-2014



reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Thank you for the review. I was a little concerned about the repetition, but was hoping the small difference in content was enough to avoid it.
Comment by
Darshi04
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Can relate to this so much! Very well and thoughtfully penned!
"Your leaving was too soon". Damn, it's always too soon!
And yeah, won't be missed, eventually!

This poem flows very well, the chronology of events and emotions are great! Nicely constructed!


 Comment Written 03-Mar-2014



reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Thanks so much, Darshi. Have a safe and memorable trip, my friend.

reply by Darshi04 on 03-Mar-2014
    Thank you David, thank you! =)
Comment by
barleygirl
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is a clever & creative way to tell of one's ambivalence upon losing a special other. The "you're" and "your" got a little old after 8 repetitions, but I liked the idea in the beginning. The last line is the best. Thanks for sharing.


 Comment Written 03-Mar-2014



reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Thanks, barleygirl.
Comment by
catch22
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Very clever word and grammar play--it's definitely a unique verse. Love the dialogue feel to this write and it's all very tongue in cheek. Hopefully, those who read this won't mix up "your" possessive and "you're" the contraction--LOL.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 03-Mar-2014



reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Gail, considering the last few poems here, and the interpretations I've received, I won't be surprised in the least, but thank you for catching that word play, and for your great review.

reply by catch22 on 03-Mar-2014
    "You're" welcome and I am curious to see the other reviews now.

reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    :-)
Comment by
Kenneth Schaal
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Two 'fers. I notice the key line openers all have question marks, indicating some ambivalence. Clever suggestive word play. We know it's happened but we missed the fight. Kenny

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 03-Mar-2014



reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Thanks, Kenny. I wanted to use the you're/your differences, too. If you'll note, also, the thoughts that occur afterwards all address his comments in the first line, showing how wrong he was.

reply by Kenneth Schaal on 03-Mar-2014
    Right, I see that. She caught him flat footed and he's trying to counter balance. He's a reluctant reader paying the price. The scholar emerges.

reply by the author on 03-Mar-2014
    Boom, brother.

    By the way, I voted for you for POM. I don't think I'll win, and yours was stellar.
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