Mikey, I appreciate it when a list of characters appears! It is so helpful. Since you will be flashing forward and back, it is all the more important. Also, to give the reader a heads up on the timeframe will save a lot of confusion. This has all the elements of an intriguing murder mystery. Set it apart somehow, and it will not feel like a lot of the who done its. A few small spags:
deceaseds possessive needs apostrophe
Hell she had no idea what happened comma after Hell- Alas, she had...
Random period in line: endowed with an .advanced technology
Really on the ball, your writing is so skilled in this chapter. All the necessaries, yet told with interest and entertainment. Developing your Detective well, the reader has a good idea of her self-determination and strong mind. Your dialogue works well. I love the tiny entrance of the widow .... seems to tell us quite a lot, yet keeps us wondering as to her further development as a character. The Doctor appears to be more 'familiar' with her than she likes. I he trying to control what she says??? Hmmm, got me guessing. I like how you present Jonathon, first cold and robot-like, then the charm and poise develops. Is he an innocent .... unlikely???? I guess we will begin to find out. :))
Great image to temper the scene. I have enjoyed the chapter immensely. Really all chapters could be sixers. I like the style you write in this story.
A very understandable chapter that uses the opportunity of the detective's questioning to give description of the family members. The description of actions, facial expressions and behavior is very good and necessary to make the reader feel that she is in the room. Good writing Mikey.
I hope that you feature the Bard more in this book. What would be interesting is if you have the Bard conduct his own investigation parallel to Tenaya's, even have him question suspects in verse. Just one question- why are the police on the scene? Did someone call suspecting foul play? It appears that he died of natural causes. Procedurally, I do not think the police would be on the scene unless they were summoned and had suspicion of foul play.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
That's a good point. In California, a 911 call brings the police regardless of the situation. Since it was a sudden and unexpected death it would have at least a rudimentary investigation. The prominence would bring out the media and it would grow into something larger. When one of our clients died here the cops were here basically standing around for five hours waiting for the coroner. They did an investigation and were pretty much in cop mode at first. Good point though, the killer would have to consider that. Who made the call, etc. Fortunately the Pacific Ocean is already 25 miles away!! mikey
I do think this story has real possibilities. Right now, it feels a bit like the board game, "Clue." It's very well-told and formatted. Dialogue is realistic and the characters are interesting and presented in a way that "shows" the reader, for the most part, who they are by telling us what they do, or are thinking. In the case of the Detective, this is working well, so far. I'm intrigued to see what will happen and what you'll make of the homeless character, Harpster. There are so many possibilities - -
In the beginning you said Jr. strolled up to the detective and later you said he remained seated.
You describe the cast of characters very well and are slowly drawing us in to the mystery. Good job. Nancy
Now this sounds as if it is going to get really intriguing, I love a good, 'who dunnit' story. I can normally guess by the time I am half way through a book and that is without looking at the last page! The characters have been well described and the plot has formed beautifully. xsx Sandra
I love the story. It will have to bounce around. It is a murder investigation You have to know the pass of everyone who was in contact with the victim. It will be doubly hard without contact with the body. Great work.