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Reviews from
The Bard of Bel Air


Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Observations and Introductions"

A homeless man sees more than people realize.

  17 total reviews 
Comment by
l.raven
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OK Columbo, I like the way you refer back to all the different people...never leaving one out for to long...and I like you using Bruce Willis...one of my favorites...love a good mystery...this is getting interesting...hummm...next...Luff Linda xxoo


 Comment Written 20-Apr-2014


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adewpearl
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Hello, detective -add comma for direct address
I like the way you depict the "obligatory" nature of the funeral, minus genuine grieving emotion or even any attempt to pretend that emotion
excellent dialogue throughout
Brooke


 Comment Written 19-Apr-2014


Comment by
Lovinia
 
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Hi Mikey

Am excellent chapter. You hold the reader's interest and develop your detective's character very well. Love the Bruce Willis meeting. lol

I few little nits: -

suspicious ..." the suspicions in the next line. Perhaps use 'circumstances doubtful .." and then keep "suspicions were put aside."

"causually" ... typo? delete the 'u'.

Too many sentences beginning with "She" in the first paragraph.


" ..someone murder(ed) my.."


".... lots of dead cops (who) that thought .." delete 'that'.

The Bard's poem is fantastic. Held my interest and left me wanting more. I'm excited about this one ... nothing like a good murder mystery. :))) Well done. Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo


 Comment Written 19-Apr-2014


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ProjectBluebook
 
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I love this character list. The--Butler did it! shoooh---. So, Mr. Blackwell was a cheater, a two timer. Maybe, Dr. Khin did it!LOL! I like your plot. Perhaps a jealous wife did him in? Or, a jealous mistress, wanting revenge for the deadbeat father. Maybe, he isn't paying enough to keep things quite. You right, take your time. Don't force it, let it flow. Nice addition of the poem, quite clever, Mikey. Also, unique. What a good alibi, metal illness used as a wildcard. They need to do an autopsy. Certain drugs are almost undetectable. Some doctors know of these drugs. I'm betting, the family doctor is in on it. He supplied the wife with the drug that shows no symptoms. Mimics a heart attack. T he Bard is nuts but there is some truth to his poems. Mr Blackwell was administered a lethal drug not detectable. I believe the Bard saw the doctor or Mrs Blackwell at the scene when he died. Apparently, he was not seen. But visiting the grave site was a bit risky, may raise suspicion upon him by the guilty. They probably rubbernecked, wondering if the Bard saw them kill him. There is a lot of mystery building up. I like it! wackydo


 Comment Written 19-Apr-2014


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ravenblack
 
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I sure would love to establish an alibi with Jennifer Anniston...I really like your detective' s interactions with the Bard. Have fun with it. But try to keep most if not all his dialogue in verse. It adds mystery to the mystery, solving the murder while deciphering his poetic clues. Also, good observation about the mentally ill. They are not above using their illness to manipulate. I have a mentally ill relative who has such manipulation down to an art.


 Comment Written 18-Apr-2014


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nor84
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The first paragraph has 5 sentences, and 4 of them begin 'She'. You'll need to work around that.

"Hello(,) detective>>>need comma before a name or title used in direct address.

"What makes you think I'm not an up and coming country and western star?" >>>Probably just country western star. OR country/western. They used to be separate: true western and hillbilly, then somehow they merged.

After the first paragraph, get rid of 'had'. It's past-perfect, used to describe something that has been true for a long time -- like having a certain reputation, or something that happened long ago, like 'she had a terrific childhood (for example)and the reader wants to see what IS happening, not what's already happened.

They both shared a laugh>>>they shared a laugh says it. 'both' isn't necessary.

She had made a remarkable comeback.>>>trust the reader to pick that up from the dialogue or from her action. Show, don't tell.

He is who she wanted to question.>>>Why not 'He looked out of place in more ways than one, AND she wanted to question him.' As written, it's a slip into present tens --He is

I was wondering if you have any information?">>>This is called a 'stated question'. It's really a statement of what she's wondering, so it doesn't take a question mark. Question marks are for direct questions like 'Do you have any information?'

"Oh, let him go officer(.) He's mentally ill.">>>two sentences. the first is a polite request. The second is an explanation.

"He didn't mean to assault me, he thought I was his long lost abusive uncle(.) let him go.">>>two sentences. The first is an explanation. The second is a command.

Good story, just needs an edit.





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 Comment Written 18-Apr-2014


Comment by
Sasha
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Sorry I have taken so long to catch up on this...read the previous chapters but in too big a hurry to leave a review...sorry. I like this one and didn't find anything to criticize. Not every chapter has to be filled with tension, sometimes the reader need a break or breather. Nice work with this one.


 Comment Written 18-Apr-2014


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nancy_e_davis
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Caught one small nit!
"So, someone murder(ed) my wayward buddy here?"
Who is Bruce Willis and where does he fit into the story?
Just how crazy is "The Bard?" That is the question. xsx Nancy


 Comment Written 18-Apr-2014



reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
    Bruce Willis is an actor. Did you see the "Die Hard" movies? Anyway, no one as far as the story is concerned. Just representing a big celebrity that happened to speak to her, could've been Tom Cruise or anyone. He has a personality that seems like he might strike up a conversation like that. The Bard is crazy enough for it to be a problem if it goes to trial, but not crazy enough to be wrong about what he witnessed! mikey

reply by nancy_e_davis on 18-Apr-2014
    Okay, I wondered about that but her remarks made me think he was a character in the story.
Comment by
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Erik Heen
 
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Hey Mikey, I think the length of chapter is about perfect for this early in the book. As for having quite a bit to set up and establish early, I haven't read the first chapters so can't say if I think this opening is too much to digest at once, but I've noticed on this site a lot of beginnings are too drawn out. Kurt Vonnegut said to start a story as close to the end as you can. Chekhov said to write a story, then tear out the first three pages. So I like the way you seem to be just getting on with the story rather than dawdling around.

I like how you initially show the detective deciding it was not murder. That leaves an extra element of tension, i.e., how she'll figure it's a murder, added to the tension of her later finding him.

The character name "Bard" is an excellent one, especially if there's some tacit meaning to it.

Excellent portrayal of Bruce Willis, except I had a bit of trouble picturing him laughing with the detective. He seems like a droll guy who would maybe smirk but not laugh out loud.

I liked the effect you made with the run of short sentences in that middle paragraph, later echoed in the last one. Of course when that's done throughout an entire chapter it gets old. But here it provided variety and spark to the chapter's development.

Good hook at the end to keep the reader turning the pages.

If you're not like me, who fizzles out after writing a few chapters (I only try short stuff now), this book has a good chance to be a good one.

~ Jack

P.S. One of these days, you, Lee, and I oughtta get drunk together and start a barroom brawl.



 Comment Written 18-Apr-2014


Comment by
Rosalyne
 
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Hi, Mikey
This is a well-written chapter and again the building and establishing of characters. You have developed well Detective Adrian. I like how she singled out The Bard through the crowd, the only one who showed sorrow over the death of Blackwell.
Bye
Rosalyne:)


 Comment Written 18-Apr-2014


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