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Reviews from
Along the Jericho Road


Viewing comments for Chapter 62 "Cephi Moon, Part Two "

Murder Mystery

  38 total reviews 
Comment by
Aiona
Premier Author
 
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  Rank:  292
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  Rank:  149
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  Rank:  13
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  Rank:  334
 
Excellent
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Wow! Fast-paced writing, engaging action, and believable characters. I really liked this line: "something else made his pulse bang against his temple: No license plate." Had my pulse banging against my chest, too!


 Comment Written 01-Sep-2014



reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
    Thank you so much, Aiona. I really appreciate this generous and very encouraging review! It's very gratifying to hear such kind words regarding my chapter. :) Bev
Comment by
AprilShower
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Wow! Some unusual things are happening in this chapter. It reads as of maybe Detective Jana Burke might be saved by an unusual power. I'll have to read more, Bev. Well written.

April


 Comment Written 31-Aug-2014



reply by the author on 31-Aug-2014
    Hi, April. Thank you for this generous and encouraging review. It's nice to have you back reading and commenting from your unique perspective. Warm regards, Bev
Comment by
MM lives on :)
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Good morning Bev.. I was feeling like a good read this morning so decided to stop by the best.. I enjoyed this chapter much and ever pleased that I stopped by for a read after reading the last.. Thanks for sharing and can't wait for the next..


 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014



reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
    Good morning, Christopher. Thank you so very much for your always-generous support and encouragement. I'm working my way into the ending, but there's still some twists and angles ahead. I'm so glad you've hung in there with me. Means a lot, my friend.

    xx Bev
Comment by
Roxanna Andrews
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  Rank:  300
 
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Oh my, scary things and good things. Evil and good battling it out like they do everyday. Really well done, looking forward to the next chapter. Rox


 Comment Written 11-Jun-2014



reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
    Thanks so much, Roxanna. It's awfully nice of you to read these chapters in order to get up to date. I really appreciate that!
Comment by
2019 Short Works Writer of the Year
Ideasaregems-Dawn
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Review Stars
  Rank:  193
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I'm still holding my breath! Sheesh, what a chapter! As if the tension wasn't thick enough, we had to experience (yes, I said 'experience'!) a near car-crash. I want to know what happens next!!! That sword and net description was amazing!


 Comment Written 04-Jun-2014



reply by the author on 04-Jun-2014
    Dawn, thank you so much for this wonderful review. I really appreciate your support and encouragement, my friend.

    Hugs, Bev

reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 04-Jun-2014
    My pleasure, Bev.
Comment by
rama devi
May All Beings Be Happy
 
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  Rank:  77 (+2)
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 Rank:  147
 
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Second review

:-)))))


First review (FOUR stars)

Hi dear Bev! Sorry I've not been able to keep up with reviewing--have been traveling and also super busy wit writing and editing jobs lately. Now I am back in India and may have time to review more often for the next two weeks. Nice to touch base with your book, though I have the happy knowledge that I'll be catching up with it independently from FS--yay! Ready for new chapters, whenever you are...the new writing jobs have wand for a bit. One will be ongoing but intermittent.

Okay, now for your review...

Awesome chapter--Riveting and attention-grabbing. Excellent dialog exchanges and good pacing as well, except for the abidance of unnecessary dialog tags (details below)--which is the main reason for a four star rating--along with some minor POV issues and spag. Overall, the content is superb and the chapter will be top notch after fine tuning and tweaking small issues.

NOTES


Trembling overtook his limbs,(not sure you need this comma) and he hid his shaking hands in the folds of his jacket.


On the other hand, I am not sure you need the AND either. May be better pacing with two sentences:


Trembling overtook his limbs. He hid his shaking hands in the folds of his jacket.

*
He didn't believe these were the effects of his fasting or, even, fear.

A bit choppy. Consider:

He didn't believe these were the effects of his fasting or even his fear.

*POV issue here:
Instead, the demon was aware of his drawing near and had begun its attack. Brian experienced both wonder and a whisper of rage.


Easly remedied by using SEEMED instead of WAS:

Instead, the demon seemed aware of his drawing near and had begun its attack. Brian experienced both wonder and a whisper of rage.

*
Jana's words broke through his contemplation, and he strained to focus his attention on her.

Suggest two sentences:

Jana's words broke through his contemplation. He strained to focus his attention on her.

*
He stared down at his folded hands and continued in a soft voice.(,) "The way he looked at me was different - there was real warmth in his eyes that I believe came from forgiveness."

In general, speech tags are not needed when a conversation s between two people. In this dialog section, you've used them effectively to enhance the tone and mood. however, this one is not optimal--so I suggest replacing it with an action tag:

"Sinners might be able to fool me," Brian answered. "But God knows. God always knows."

Example:
"Sinners might be able to fool me." Brian raised his eyebrows. "But God knows. God always knows."

*SUDDEN POV SHIFT HERE:
Jana was shocked to see a SUV closing on her at a high rate of speed. Where did he come from?

The chapter has been from Brian's POV, so I recommend revising that section from his POV and to avoid internal dialog from Jana:

She reached a hand to her rear view mirror and flipped it to night vision to block the sudden onset of high-beam lights. Her eyes grew round with shock. Brian caught her puzzled reaction and turned in his seat to see an SUV closing on them at a high rate of speed.

"Where did he come from?" Jana said.

*
"I can't believe someone would harass a patrol car," he said while raising his hand up to block the intense light.

Suggest trimming speech tag:


"I can't believe someone would harass a patrol car." He raised his hand up to block the intense light.



* The driver turned eyes as hard as diamonds on Aaron, waited a beat, then continued.(,) "I expect you to live up to your reputation, Noff. And don't call me Matt. It's Mr. Buell to you."

Without going line by line further, I recommend trimming many more speech tags form this chapter--we can go through it again later, when you send it. :)

*"Our snitch over at the Sheriff's Department claims at least two of the case detectives believe the killer is a devil worshiper.

consider using a contraction: killer's

I look forward to reading this story chapter by chapter--and will be able to comment later on story and character development.


Lots of love to you,
rd


 Comment Written 03-Jun-2014



reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
    Hi, Rama! Thanks so much for this superb review. I am going to make every change, of course. You are absolutely right on, as usual. Thanks for taking so much time. I'm, also, going to be getting you another chapter this weekend.

    Thanks again!

    Hugs, Bev

reply by rama devi on 03-Jun-2014
    That's super news, dear Bev. Looking forward! :) Upgrading... Love and Hugs, rd

reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
    That's kind of you, Rama. I appreciate it very much.

    Hugs, Bev

reply by rama devi on 03-Jun-2014
    Appreciate YOU, dear! Hugs, rd
Comment by
DALLAS01
Level 1 Pro
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Wow, Bev his was full of action and surprise. I feel like I was in the car with Jana and father Brian. Wasn't expecting the turn of events with Aaron and Matthew Buell, although I think I should have, knowing how strongly he felt. this was a very fast paced chapter.



 Comment Written 03-Jun-2014



reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
    Hi, Dallas. Thanks a bunch for this great review! You were the inspiration for it LoL.

    Much appreciate your encouragement and generosity...

    :) Bev
Comment by
Selina Stambi
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Wow!

My dear Bev, the tension just keeps mounting. What a fabulous read. The amazing thing is how you make all the drama absolutely believable.

Beautiful job, my friend ... again!

Love,

xxx

Sonali


cranked the car's heater up(,) then blew on his


 Comment Written 03-Jun-2014



reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
    Thank you so very much, Sonali. I am happy you enjoyed the chapter. It means a lot to get the seal of approval from one of my favorite writers! Hugs, Bev
Comment by
Norbanus
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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what a crash scene! Another super segment for your story. You show enough detail with plausible actions to set us up for the fantasy parts. Great presentation of the action without overdoing. The characters reacted perfectly.


 Comment Written 03-Jun-2014



reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
    Thank you so much, Norbanus. I especially appreciate your take on this chapter as I was concerned about getting all the elements in place. Thanks for confirming the direction I chose.

    Warm regards, Bev
Comment by
martha france cannon
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Very exciting story. I could feel the urgency in the first part of the story. I especially like the writing of the actions of the priest. The dialogue was also real. I got the ideal of the plot from the reading easily. The second part seemed a bit off to me. The characters action seem loose. Perhaps I just need more. I think the characters bio is intriguing and the theme is something I would enjoy reading.


 Comment Written 02-Jun-2014



reply by the author on 02-Jun-2014
    Thank you for stopping by to read, Martha. I much appreciate your insights and generosity. :) Bev
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