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Reviews from
The Trining


A man must discover his identity and destiny.

  17 total reviews 
Comment by
MoriahSelah
 
 
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Rating of Chapter 1 -
AWAKENED TO SLEEP
I read the last chapter segment of your most recent installment in book three, and immediately decided i wanted to read this from the beginning. I am looking forward to the rest of the story.


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2016



reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
    My goodness, but you are ambitious ... and I am thrilled. Thank you so much, Moriah.
Comment by
JTStone
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Rating of Chapter 1 -
AWAKENED TO SLEEP
I figured when I came back here to fanstory I would catch up on this story. I'm glad to see that you released it in three parts. I never did know the beginning. I first picked it up when he was just captured and being examined in the palace of the enemy.
I love this early part. I always appreciated the way you wrote this tale from inside the protagonists mind. His thoughts drive the dialog in a most interesting way. You have a very unique style.
I'm looking forward to catching up on your other stories as well.
JT


 Comment Written 31-Dec-2015



reply by the author on 31-Dec-2015
    You should definitely see a growth in style since this one you read. I made a lot of mistakes in the early part of the novel. But many good people here kept me moving in the right direction. Once again. Thanks, JT for reading this.
Comment by
DebbieAz
 
 
Excellent
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Rating of Chapter 1 -
AWAKENED TO SLEEP
Impressive. You have set up a good puzzle and mystery. The narrator is level-headed in the face of utter bafflement. How complete are you with this book? If it is still in edit mode my one suggestion would be you take a look at all the sentences that contain passive words like was, had, were, would've, and think of ways to make them more dynamic. I absolutely love the beach and sea imagery, and am drawn into the mysteries. At this point there is no urgency or immediate goal or point of focus, so kind of like a ship bobbing into harbor getting its bearings. If you wanted to spruce it up, is there anything about what this prophesied one was expected to do that woudl cause the lady to arm herself. Well done.


 Comment Written 04-Mar-2015



reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
    Debbie, that is some good advice. I try to stay away from the passive voice, but the process itself is "passive". You have to work at it. Thanks for reviewing.
Comment by
Dashjianta
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 27 -
DISSOLUTION OF DOCTREX
Excellent final chapter--pivotal in the development of the story and in Doctrex himself. The way he swayed from the emotional driven person he once was (the one who killed himself) who was ready to run off to the rescue, to the sobbing person who'd realised what he was about to do, to the mix of him+the general was really well done. Bringing in Axtilla at the moment you did fits perfectly. Things could have ended so differently if she hadn't been there to bolster his resolve. You can see him moving away from the Doctrex who struggled to tell the brothers he was their commander, towards the Doctrex in book 3 in this chapter.

Nits and suggestions:

Glnot Rhuether, himself, appeared to the brothers in simultaneous visions
--delete the commas?

that their quest would be futile, would lead to their inevitable death and their leader's head would be served on a platter to Rhuether's new bride.
--There's something not quite right with this sentence but I can't quite put for my finger on it. Might be as simple as needing a comma before 'and' or...does the end need to change to '...and their leader's head being served to Rhuether's new bride on a platter.' or does that now sound like the bride's on the platter. (I probably shouldn't review when I'm this tired, but I want to know what happens. You got me hooked:) )

While both these emotions vied for a while, neither took a stronghold.
--'stronghold' or 'stranglehold'?

he looked impatiently at my knees, tucked into my rib cage(,) and we both listened intently

I finally I asked: "How about--Axtilla?"
--Kill an 'I'

I added(,) after a pause and an inward congratulatory smile


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2014



reply by the author on 06-Dec-2014
    My goodness! A six! Thank you for it and the always meaty suggestions and nit catches.
Comment by
Dashjianta
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Rating of Chapter 27 -
KLASCO'S LETTER
A very strong chapter. The letter, and the timing of Doctrex's reactions, convey both Axtilla's story and the strength of his feelings for her. The flow of his thoughts afterwards, with one thought leading to the next, and that to another, comes across as very natural.

Nits:

Even before hugging me, she spewed out all at once about the visions Sarisa had been having since we left [there it was again: visions!](.)
--And capital 'T' on 'there' too.

fitfully over the voice she heard--voices instructing her
--Voice or voices?


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2014



reply by the author on 06-Dec-2014
    You are appreciated enormously, Alex. This chapter and the next were crucial to the formation of book three. I'm glad you got a feel for that.
Comment by
Dashjianta
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Rating of Chapter 26 -
THE PRUDENCE OF THE DILIGENT
It sounds like Doctrex has his worked cut out sorting through all the politics and illegal activity that have come about since the camps were set up.

I liked the way the repeat of 'human behaviour' triggered another memory.

Suggestions:

While I wasn't privy to knowing specifically, how the training officers conveyed the information to the recruits that they no longer owned their crossans
--Delete the comma? And possibly 'the information' too.

"Twenty-three. Seventeen with crossans."
--but earlier Doctrex said 'scores', implying 40+. Can be out down to his ignorance of the exact numbers, but wanted to note it in case that wasn't your intent.

And, the three that I came with, and I, have been here a little over a week.
--Is this dialogue? There's no quotation marks, but the response suggests it is.

The source of income(,) at least to a few people locally(,) was suddenly and completely cut off.
--I think. It feels like it needs the commas somewhere.


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2014



reply by the author on 06-Dec-2014
    Thank you for your continuing journey, Alex, and for your kindness and generosity en route. I appreciate your support so much.
Comment by
Dashjianta
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Rating of Chapter 25 -
POWER CORRUPTS
Poor crossans! I can understand the logic if people are starving, but nothing Doctrex has seen implies they are, so sounds more like a convenient lie for the privileged's gain. The excuse for taking them in the first place also sounds logical, but to take the crossans and not offer compensation is theft--not good for moral. (all recruits get a crossan, so that's not compensation). And Djars reaction at the end--everything points to something more going on. Or Djars is as spoiled as his recruits and upset at having his position stomped on. Or both.

Doctrex is slipping easily into his roll of Commander now its not testing friendship. The ease with which he takes control suggests some instinct or past, now forgotten, role.

Suggestions:

Instantly, the guard snapped to attention, saluting.
--Do you need 'instantly'?

This surely isn't the first time this has happened that a new soldier arrives on his own crossan."
--awkward working. Perhaps: This surely isn't the first time this a new soldier has arrived on his own crossan."

or something similar?

He had to go(walk/climb) down the steps of the platform and walk between Blackie and Freckles to take it.
--and delete 'walk' before 'between' if you use it instead of 'go'.

As they walked(,) Zurn looked back over his shoulder at Blackie.
--or move 'as they walked' to the end. also consider 'went' or 'left' in place of 'walked'.

he grinned, fatuously and shrugged
--take out the comma?
--and the grin is a nice touch, hints that he's hiding something.

and poured brandy in first mine, then his.
--a little awkward. Maybe: and poured brandy, first in mine, then his. Or 'into mine first'.

I said (after) taking a sip of its fruitiness.
--being picky--he can't say it WHILE he's drinking. (well, he could, but it would be messy)

so the privileged classes and--if there is any remaining
--presume you mean any meat here? Can be read as any impoverished (but then it would be 'are' because they're plural). 'if there are any leftovers' or similar would clear up the potential confusion.

"It will (be), General Doctrex."
--or 'I will'


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2014



reply by the author on 06-Dec-2014
    Geez, you've got some great catches here, and as great solutions. Thank you, once more, Alex. Very definitely they will be part of my final edit.
Comment by
Dashjianta
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Rating of Chapter 24 -
THE VISIONS OF THE BROTHERS PROFUE
Good to see the brothers come to some sort of acceptance over Doctrex's position over them. (Bit surprised they might have considered not continuing, because they signed up before hey met Doctrex, so had no idea who'd be in command). Glad to see there's still some distance near the end--would've been too much to have them accept it all so quickly.

And I have to run because my battery's about to die.

Nits/Suggestions:

He didn't(doesn't) remember his father or mother--did(do) you Zurn?
--He still doesn't, I presume?

"If you don't mind an observation, Giln,(put a tag in here?) when you say the name Glnot Rhuether your blood seems to stir."

"I just didn't know then ..."
--stray space before the ellipses

Waiting for it to abate, I looked from the brothers to Zurn who was stroking Blackie's mane, //the corners of Zurn's mouth upturned,
--Start a new sentence at the // as its quite a long one otherwise.

his eyes perhaps (focused?) inward on an internal landscape populated
--nice images in this paragraph.

that the cost of caring for them until
--I knew you mean the crossans, but unloaded and decamped to their rooms since you last mentioned them (the crossans) so consider being more specific.


 Comment Written 05-Dec-2014



reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
    Good catches. Always good catches. Especially the "didn't" vs "doesn't". Thanks.
Comment by
Dashjianta
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Rating of Chapter 23 -
A TRANSFER OF POWER
The conversation between Doctrex and the brothers flows well. Sheleck's and Giln's reaction does raise the question of what they expected in terms of command structure when they signed up--or did they just not give it much thought because its all new to them? Their letting Doctrex ride away alone, and their lack of a wave at the end do a good job of showing how they're feeling.

Doctrex's cramps add a nice humorous break in the conversation.

One thing, though--pre-cramps, it'd be worth looking to see if you can't pop in one or two actions because, apart from a couple of looks, it feels a bit static. A movement or two, even if its just to shoo away a fly, would lift it up a notch.

Nits/suggestions:

Sheleck broke his gaze at me (from me/mine?)

"It starts at the camp,(") I said

"No I wouldn't. Not if I knew I was going to take the knife."
--Consider a tag, because Doctrex switched from addressing Sheleck to addressing all three men.

"But, Kabeez has a very small army. So, I've been told I'm him. I am the superior.(")

"But, that would explain your butt cramps," he said over his shoulder."
--Stray quote to kill at the end.

--Don't know if its a glitch with the new site (yes, I'm using the evil purple one), but I noticed in this chapter and the last one the quotation marks at the start of dialogue are closing quotes instead of opening ones.


 Comment Written 05-Dec-2014



reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
    I refuse to use the new site. Won't even go into it. I was about to cancel my subscription. That said, you know you are one of the few who would make me pause LONG before quitting. This review is an example of why! Thank you.

reply by Dashjianta on 05-Dec-2014
    No. You're not allowed to go anywhere. I'd likely stop posting without your reviews.
Comment by
Dashjianta
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Rating of Chapter 22 -
A COUPLE OF MOMENTS OF TRUTH
Another interesting chapter. Was interesting to see how he adjusted to riding the crossan. Was half expecting him to stumble from stiff muscles when he dismounted (that wouldn't have helped him give them his news). Liked the way he worked up to telling them, too, but if he struggles this much telling them this, how much harder will he find it, when he has to send people into battle and possibly to their deaths. Will be interesting to find out how he copes/changes as I catch up.

Nits/suggestions:

I was surprised to see how easily I mounted Rain Spirit.
--Technically he can't really see himself mounting. Suggest something like: I was surprised by the ease with which I mounted Rain Spirit.
--You've got three sentences 'I' right at the start. Might be worth trying to tweak one to avoid the repetition.

It's just that she can sense your nerves.
--Is the second sentence in a row Klynch says 'just'. Consider killing it, so sentence starts at 'she'.
--Two more 'just's in the next couple of lines. Must've got stuck in your head.

Oh, yes, you're a beautiful girl...
--This, and the rest of his dialogue in this para, has just the right rhythm for someone talking to a pet. I suspect she might be needing a firmer hand at some point though.

"Are you ready to get some real exercise, young lady,(?)" I asked

Their crossans were ambling along, now, and, as I approached them all three turned in their saddles.
--Commas seem wrong. Should it be: Their crossans were ambling along now and, as I approached them, all three turned in their saddles. ? (delete 'them'?)

I pulled back on the reins, but she only slowed a little...
--Good paragraph.


 Comment Written 05-Dec-2014



reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
    Of course, you know from the later chapters how he sends troops to battle. I think what you mean is whether there will be a character development progression between now and later. That's interesting. It all developed organically. If I thought in advance, I have to add scenes that show his developing maturity as a leader, I'd have given up on it in frustration. Thanks for ALL your valuable help with this and all chapters.

reply by Dashjianta on 05-Dec-2014
    Did my first reply save? Wanted to add "sometimes I'm not very good at explaining what I'm thinking" and there's no edit reply option--on either version of the site.

reply by Dashjianta on 05-Dec-2014
    Nope. No sign of my first reply, so...just in case its not there.

    Yes, that's what I meant :)

    And I agree about planning character development driving you mad. Not something I'd do either. Development comes through the natural reaction to an event and once you plan it stops being natural and becomes forced.

    Doctrex has developed--can see that comparing him here to the lead up the ambush, just looking forward to see how its came about. Whether it's a natural ability like his riding the crossan (or remembered from his lost past), whether it came to him like his speech, or if a particular event pushed him into growing, etc.

    I'm curious and I want to see what's next. That's all I'd meant to say.

    (please save this time)

reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
    Well, I guess because I'm answering it, it was saved. Right? Thanks again.

reply by Dashjianta on 05-Dec-2014
    Well, I've switched to the old site now, because I wrote this...

    Let's try this again, and if it doesn't work I'm giving up on the new site, too. Yup, it saved.

    ...told it to save and it poofed into the nerthersphere.
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