Status
New Here?
Fast! Three Questions.
Already a member?
Writing Classes
|
0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.
|
|
 |
|
34 total reviews
|
Comment by
|
|
|
|
| The story is told with all the emotions, anger, frustration, depression, and even a sense of a possible bargaining with God at the end. The style, metaphors, grammar and punctuation are excellent. The title is perfect for this piece about a too-common war. Thanks for posting.
|
Comment Written 26-Jul-2014 |
|
|
| |
|
|
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2014
I was hoping by choosing the title, that the music and lyrics would drift into the reader's head...'We'll give him a heroes welcome then, hurrah, hurrah.'
You are very generous with your allocation of stars, but this one does reflect what I have witnessed and I thank you for your accolade.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Comment by | | | | | Review Stars
 | | | |
|
|
|
|
| Hi there, I missed this prompt, which is just as well, your piece rocked me to my core. Your ability to create emotion with words in fantastic. I hope to god this isn't about you. I too, oddly enough watched my very, very best friend till her very end. Her Mom went through this while her asshole husband was having an affair. Now 30 years later I have the monster, once 6 years ago, now its back: big time. Metastised brain, bones, liver.stage 4. I did tons of radiation and chemo, but now two months after my 'break' its growing back.This just may get me back to writing again, thank you.
|
Comment Written 24-Jul-2014 |
|
|
| |
|
|
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2014
Darling dear woman, I have been spared the disease, but not being the friend that walks the path with those, like you who have endured so much. There are no words for me to express my heartfelt wishes that the governor doesn't make that call and grant you clemency that you have people who share your soul's melody, that you can talk to, cry with and eve laugh with.
Do write and write honestly. Hugs, ingrid
|
|
reply by cynthia s on 25-Jul-2014
thank you, I am now again writing!!!!
|
| |
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2014
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Comment by
|
|
|
|
|
Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
 | Author Rating For Short Works
 | Author Rating For Novels
| Review Stars
| | | |
|
|
|
|
|
Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
| Script Rating
| Review Stars
Rank: 41 | | | |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Comment by
|
|
|
|
This was almost too hard for me to read. I watched my husband die of lymphatic cancer, and this brought much of it back. Well written, Ingrid. A real kick to the heart, this one.
Av
|
Comment Written 22-Jul-2014 |
|
|
| |
|
|
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2014
And the baby you were carrying...As I was once told, the Gods looked down and selected those who they deemed worthy and to those they piled on the challenges, for they were ones who would learn and grow with the lesson.
Having said that, I'm expecting to be hit by a thunderbolt and instantly turned into a 5'2" blonde with big boobs, a small waistline, a fat bank account and an empty head. There have to be some rewards for this crap, wouldn't you think?
|
|
reply by Cumbrianlass on 22-Jul-2014
Well, don't change before Thursday or I won't recognize you.
x
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Comment by
|
|
|
|
|
Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
| Review Stars
Rank: 397 | | | |
|
|
|
|
|
Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Review Stars
Rank: 406 | | | |
|
|
|
|
Hi, Ingrid.
It's a powerfully emotive piece! I appreciate your impacting narrative with such deep POV. Fortunately, I never had any such experience of watching someone battle against cancer. In India, it isn't that common, especially amongst the kids, but they do are of serious concern.
In the twenty years that I've lived, I came across many heartbreaking events/accidents which turned out to be life-changing, so I can relate to the pain those families and the patient undergo.
In this story, you've effectively captured how a single mother finds its impossible to keep her family united. Such diseases do affect the whole family--especially the younger ones.
There are a few issues I'd like to highlight:
# Here in Sick Children's Hospital in Toronto, the war continues daily, the oncology ward is full.
Do you think a dash would be more appropriate after 'daily'. It would be more influential.
# When a little boy or girl is released, saved by the team of angels that fight for their lives, there's always another to take his place.
Use 'the' in place of 'his'.
# Nothing, absolutely nothing is normal anymore; not for Johnny, not for Mary or Jacob, my other children and definitely not for me.
Put a comma after 'children'.
# She blames me for David leaving and she's not shy about letting me know that she thinks everything is my fault.
Avoid unnecessary use of pronouns. Replace by as you have the conjunction here.
# He hadn't even bothered to tell his own mother he'd decided he didn't want to be married.
The above sentence is a run-on. If you read it, you'll know how it's disturbing the pacing. It's probably because of the double negatives.
Consider edit:
He hadn't even bothered to tell his own mother about reluctance to getting married.
You're free to have your own. This is just a suggestion.
# And Johnny, there's hardly anything left of my child(--)a shrunken, wizened little man, skin and bones, barely creating a crease in the sheet that is draped over his tiny body as he sleeps.
You've narrated her emotions and pain in such a heartfelt manner. I could relate the living hell she(though fictional) must have faced. Certainly, 'coping' falls short of expressing the strength required to face such a trauma. Very well crafted!
Regards,
Anupam
|
Comment Written 22-Jul-2014 |
|
|
| |
|
|
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2014
You have an incredible eye and I believe you're right on all counts. Thank you very much.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Comment by
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Up For ReviewStand Out WritingAdditional Reading
