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42 total reviews
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Rating of Chapter 31 - A Question of Specificity
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-"Get ... the ... medic!"
I felt the firmness of the earth against my back - I felt there was a link missing from when he's on the horse to when he feels the firmness of the earth.
Enjoyed this chapter. It has a bit of 'Down and out' flavour, witty and observant.
-If my mouth and lips moved, I think the words stayed in my head. - The words stayed in his head IF his mouth moved? How about something like 'My mouth may have moved, but ...'?
-"So, I want you to look at me." - Need the 'So'? I think it would be stronger without.
-and more completely bald. - can you be more complete? It's either complete or not, isn't it?
-And, I'm told you - I would cut the comma
-"What did we do, Doctor Green?" I ask. - Love the humour here. It's witty.
-And, I realize the pappering is only one-sided. - Cut the 'And'? or at least cut the comma?
-I'm intrigued by the movement of his fingertips. It's like two spiders descending on each other. - Love that. :)
Great way to end.
:)
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Comment Written 07-Mar-2016 |
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reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
This was written when I was not aware you shouldn't put a comma after a connective conjunction. So, that will be taken care of in the next audit, along with the flabby sentence structure through passive voice. Tessa, you are a marvel. THANKS FOR DOING WHAT YOU DO.
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Comment by | | The goal in life is to be better today | | | than you were yesterday. | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 69 | Author Rating For Short Works
 Rank: 15 | Author Rating For Novels
Rank: 21 | Script Rating
Rank: 1 | Review Stars
Rank: 23 | | | lancellot Recommends:
A Man's Justice?
More Fact than Fiction
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Rating of Chapter 31 - The Electric Blue Forgetting (Pt. 2)
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I was a little confused by the opening. But this passage has an emotional punch. Feel free of course to ignore anything I've written.
[I am realizing the pappering is only one-sided.] So pappering is a word specific to your story? It's a word from the other side? I see it in the cast of characters.
[After he leaves, Axtilla turns to me. ] Maybe make the transition a little more formal. "The door closed with a slam" or "His footsteps pounded outside in the hall." A feeling I have is that you really have two scenes here. One is when Dr Green is still in the room, and the second is after he leaves. The texture of the two is definitely different.
["I want to talk to Viktor right now and try to ask the questions he was too arrogant to answer for Doctor Green. Maybe to me he'll be a little more like Doctrex."] - is the recording still running at this point? If so, I suppose what is recorded by Barbara/Axtilla will be useful for the evaluation? Is the goal to get a record of his comments, or to get Viktor to admit his guilt?
On the murder-suicide, maybe this is morbid, but how did Viktor find out? Was he in his office? Does he have a large fancy car he was taking on a drive when it came in on his cell phone? Since it's his point of view we're watching, the emotional impact would be great, as well as a chance to see the character of the man. You might cover this already in another chapter, or considered including and decided to cut it. But this feels a little bit like a character study. Viktor is maybe arrogant but not unfeeling. Would he try to apply logic to justify his actions? Would he express resentment toward the sergeant that was his patient?
["Were you?" she interrupted. "Were you guilty of using poor judgment?"] This is a nice line. It could have been lifted from a police procedural. You could probably leave out the "she interrupted". It might hit even harder then.
Great passage. Looking forward to the next one.
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Comment Written 06-Mar-2016 |
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reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
The first four paragraphs are spacey. He's with Axtilla and Dr. Green, but he has the awareness of lying on the ground beside this crossan (horse) with the medic trying to get him carried to a cot. The UN-italicized is when he is hearing the medic speak.
Why in the world would I ignore what you've written? you've brought up some good points. Turning off the recorder. DUH. But she didn't. A little more development of Viktor's charactor. Good.
I must tell you, though, that since this is in book II, I'll paste your suggestions into the final edit folder, when I go through all three books, to polish and spit-lick down cowlicks and smudges before I send it out or self-publish.
Reed, thanks so much for the generosity of your time and your invaluable assistance.
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | flylikeaneagle - Nancy Ann Gee | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 245 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 482 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 23 | Author Rating For Short Works
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