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Reviews from
THE TRINING Book Two


General Doctrex & the Thousand Miles to Qarnolt

  42 total reviews 
Comment by
Tessa Kay
 
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Rating of Chapter 31 -
A Question of Specificity
-"Get ... the ... medic!"

I felt the firmness of the earth against my back - I felt there was a link missing from when he's on the horse to when he feels the firmness of the earth.
Enjoyed this chapter. It has a bit of 'Down and out' flavour, witty and observant.

-If my mouth and lips moved, I think the words stayed in my head. - The words stayed in his head IF his mouth moved? How about something like 'My mouth may have moved, but ...'?

-"So, I want you to look at me." - Need the 'So'? I think it would be stronger without.

-and more completely bald. - can you be more complete? It's either complete or not, isn't it?

-And, I'm told you - I would cut the comma

-"What did we do, Doctor Green?" I ask. - Love the humour here. It's witty.

-And, I realize the pappering is only one-sided. - Cut the 'And'? or at least cut the comma?

-I'm intrigued by the movement of his fingertips. It's like two spiders descending on each other. - Love that. :)
Great way to end.

:)


 Comment Written 07-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
    This was written when I was not aware you shouldn't put a comma after a connective conjunction. So, that will be taken care of in the next audit, along with the flabby sentence structure through passive voice. Tessa, you are a marvel. THANKS FOR DOING WHAT YOU DO.
Comment by
Sis Cat
 
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Rating of Chapter 31 -
A Question of Specificity
Jay, I am glad I read this because it provided me more depth and insight into your two main characters before you head into your "satisfying ending." I was intrigued by the "pappering"--Dr Green mouthing "Barbara" while Doctrex hears "Axtilla." There is also telepathy and inner dialogue. There are a lot of levels of communications to this, almost like a three dimensional chess game, which it is. Doctrex background as a police psychologist adds to the surreal quality of this communication. The biggest impression I got out of this is that the most important battlefield is in the mental arena. I was also intrigued and better informed by watching Axtilla and Doctrex interact.

Small quibble: I would change the "bucks" in "twenty-five bucks" to something not part of the American reality. Unless this is an alternate, parallel universe of America, a fantasy world should come with its own terms. The use of "bucks" disturbs my fantasy revelry.

I am glad I read this because it deepened my understanding of your characters and your plot. Thank you for sharing.


 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
    THank you so much, Andre. I appreciate your suggestion. I will definitely add this to the list of changes for the next edit. You are wonderful, my friend.
Comment by
JTStone
 
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Rating of Chapter 31 -
The Electric Blue Forgetting (Pt. 2)
I understand so much more about your story now, having read this. You have a way of planting seeds inside your verse. As this epic develops, those seeds have grown into a very strange, yet vivid backstory for the conclusion of Book III.
I seriously wish I had started this fascinating story from the beginning.
Thanks for re-releasing this for those of us who hadn't read it.


 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
    You are very welcome, Jimmy, and thank YOU for reading this.
Comment by
tango494
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Rating of Chapter 31 -
The Electric Blue Forgetting (Pt. 2)
Wonderful use of dialogue, I loved how easy this was to read and the story to follow. Excellent submission. I look forward to reading more soon!!!


 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
    Many thanks, Tango. Look forward to your reading it as well. I believe it will post tomorrow.
Comment by
lancellot
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The goal in life is to be better today
than you were yesterday.
 
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Rating of Chapter 31 -
The Electric Blue Forgetting (Pt. 2)
This story and this world is expansive. I think I won't truly understand all the multiple facets until I go on vacation and read it from beginning to end. I give you credit to keep this world growing for years.


 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
    I thought you said, "keep this wound growing for years." That would be more like it. THAnks friend.
Comment by
Reedblitzerman
 
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Rating of Chapter 31 -
The Electric Blue Forgetting (Pt. 2)
I was a little confused by the opening. But this passage has an emotional punch. Feel free of course to ignore anything I've written.

[I am realizing the pappering is only one-sided.] So pappering is a word specific to your story? It's a word from the other side? I see it in the cast of characters.

[After he leaves, Axtilla turns to me. ] Maybe make the transition a little more formal. "The door closed with a slam" or "His footsteps pounded outside in the hall." A feeling I have is that you really have two scenes here. One is when Dr Green is still in the room, and the second is after he leaves. The texture of the two is definitely different.

["I want to talk to Viktor right now and try to ask the questions he was too arrogant to answer for Doctor Green. Maybe to me he'll be a little more like Doctrex."] - is the recording still running at this point? If so, I suppose what is recorded by Barbara/Axtilla will be useful for the evaluation? Is the goal to get a record of his comments, or to get Viktor to admit his guilt?

On the murder-suicide, maybe this is morbid, but how did Viktor find out? Was he in his office? Does he have a large fancy car he was taking on a drive when it came in on his cell phone? Since it's his point of view we're watching, the emotional impact would be great, as well as a chance to see the character of the man. You might cover this already in another chapter, or considered including and decided to cut it. But this feels a little bit like a character study. Viktor is maybe arrogant but not unfeeling. Would he try to apply logic to justify his actions? Would he express resentment toward the sergeant that was his patient?

["Were you?" she interrupted. "Were you guilty of using poor judgment?"] This is a nice line. It could have been lifted from a police procedural. You could probably leave out the "she interrupted". It might hit even harder then.

Great passage. Looking forward to the next one.


 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
    The first four paragraphs are spacey. He's with Axtilla and Dr. Green, but he has the awareness of lying on the ground beside this crossan (horse) with the medic trying to get him carried to a cot. The UN-italicized is when he is hearing the medic speak.

    Why in the world would I ignore what you've written? you've brought up some good points. Turning off the recorder. DUH. But she didn't. A little more development of Viktor's charactor. Good.

    I must tell you, though, that since this is in book II, I'll paste your suggestions into the final edit folder, when I go through all three books, to polish and spit-lick down cowlicks and smudges before I send it out or self-publish.

    Reed, thanks so much for the generosity of your time and your invaluable assistance.
Comment by
flylikeaneagle
Premier Author
flylikeaneagle - Nancy Ann Gee
 
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Rating of Chapter 31 -
The Electric Blue Forgetting (Pt. 2)
Jay: stopped over to prose to say hi! I'm watching the super Saturday results...
I like the eyes as big as lemons. Suspenseful murder, suicide with the babies being held under water. Then, slashing the mother's wrist. Interesting... Are you being published in this? Does he hide his memories in booze and drugs? Yes, it is hard to drop into your story since I didn't start at the beginning. What caused the coma? flylikeaneagle


 Comment Written 05-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
    Thank you so much for reading. The four chapters I'm re-posting are designed to give the reader a clue into the climax and end of the novel. I hope you read them as well.

reply by flylikeaneagle on 09-Mar-2016
    Jay: I'll be back after my trip to see my mom this weekend. You write very interesting stories.
    nancy
Comment by
LIJ Red
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Rating of Chapter 31 -
The Electric Blue Forgetting (Pt. 2)
Some vital backstory here in the making of Brueen/Doctrex/Pondria. An escape into a parallel universe from mental distress. Excellent fantasy fiction.


 Comment Written 05-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
    Hey, hey, Red. Glad you read this. The next two chapters will give you what you'll need to understand the climax.
Comment by
DonandVicki
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Rating of Chapter 31 -
The Electric Blue Forgetting (Pt. 2)
A very smooth flowing fantasy that has continued to hold my attention. I like the plot and the characters are very believable. Nice chapter.


 Comment Written 05-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
    Good to have you read this Don and Vicki.
Comment by
trumby
 
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Rating of Chapter 31 -
The Electric Blue Forgetting (Pt. 2)
Mate, everyone loves a "Happy Ending." LOL. I hope that this expression means the same thing in America as it means in Australia.
What's an ATB?
Very good post as I'd expect off you, mate.
Can't see any slow spots or SPAGS.
It holds my attention throughout


 Comment Written 05-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
    Glad you enjoyed this, Trumby. I think Happy Ending means the same in both places. You are very kind.
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