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127 total reviews
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Hi, Deano.
Blimey - a 575 WORD (not, syllable, LOL) poem. Good job it's you, or I may have 'skipped', as I'm sure you know about my reading attention span. :-)
Rather than spend too much time on the contents, which obviously I read thoroughly to make the following suggs. I thought you may prefer comments on the meter, as I'm certain you'll get LOADS of well-deserved acclaim for this excellent write.
I've cut n pasted your poem, and where I think the meter is out, I've started the line with 3 asterisks and offered an alternative in brackets.
Without wishing to patronise, your meter has improved amazingly in the last couple of months. Over such a lengthy write, you've proved you now have a great hang of it. IMO, you only have 10 lines out of 88 that need tweaking. That's nearly NINETY per cent PERFECTION! WOW!!
Anyway, here's my humble suggs, and I won't be offended if you ignore them: Sheesh, I reckon I've earned my 'dollar' here. :-)
_________________________
"Come here, my boy, just have a seat,
I'll show you something really sweet.
A trip you can't pass up, for sure,
so rich with pain and death's allure."
*** [I tried] to [disregard] his taunts,
*** [but] soon succumbed to morbid wants,
which left me sitting by his side--
"C'mon, young man, let's take a ride..."
Reluctantly, I took his hand -
and spread below, throughout the land -
a sadness as I'd never seen,
such horrors most perverse -- obscene!
We soared with ease above the ground--
"Oh no, dear boy, do not look down!
Unless I have directed you,
just look at things I've asked you to.
See there, amongst the willow trees;
young Mary Fallon, ill at ease?
With her, your best friend, Barry Pryde...
It took some work to get his hide!
And there, upon the churchyard lawn,
your faithless pastor--such a pawn.
He spews his sermons Sunday morn,
then hurries home to look at porn.
Old Mrs. Bailey, what a jewel!
She teaches all her kids at school
that prayer is best left well at home.
It warms my cockles to the bone."
I looked in horrid disbelief,
he sought out pain without relief.
The sorrow, hatred, hopeless grief --
this cunning, stunning sad motif.
"But what, pray tell, has this to do
with anything twixt me and you?
I wish no harm on anyone.
Please leave me be, I'd say we're done."
"Oh, is that so?" he bared his fangs,
soon overcome by rueful pangs,
all evil that I'd ever spoken
dangled there like tainted tokens.
"You see, my boy, there is no way
*** of [slaying] what you do or say.
It all returns to haunt your life.
*** But I will end [that] pain and strife.
*** [Now you] must promise me one thing,
*** you'll [ne'er adore] that "other" king.
Just pledge your trust to me instead,
I'll make you rich before you're dead."
I looked around, immersed in pain,
then suddenly, cool calming rain
fell fast from clouds so dark and vast,
I finally felt relief at last.
*** I turned my face [delete 'up' to retain meter] towards the skies,
as teardrops mingled in my eyes
with pregnant raindrops, filled with souls,
that filled the gaps, patched all my holes.
My spirit's broken, tattered seams
had long ago forsaken dreams
which gave me hope, once long ago;
and all of this he seemed to know.
"Remember that I came to you,
I'll be around, you know it's true.
Should you decide to change your mind--
embrace me once, I think you'll find...
...such sorrow's commonplace today
you feel that God whisks it away?
I'm sorry, lad, but you're mistaken
you'll soon see all of it's forsaken."
*** ["Oh, no, it's not!" I cried with force,
"as long as hope remains a source
for tortured souls to rally 'round,
and life springs forth from barren ground.
For one day soon, your reign will end,
and to the depths of hell He'll send
you and your horrid daze of death,
where there, you'll draw your final breath."
"You fool, I've offered everything...
*** [in riches, women - all they bring]
Yet you'll deny yourself such treasures,
toss away such splendid pleasures?"
With that, he vanished in a plume
of viscous smoke and sweet perfume.
So nectarous that it stole my breath.
I caught the scents of hate and death.
Sometimes I sense that he's still near,
*** [to lurk and prey] upon my fear.
And when that happens, without fail,
God sends the rain, His soothing veil...
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Comment Written 10-Nov-2014 |
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| Spooky... spooky... spooky... spooky. This is the scariest and creepiest poem, prose, slide show theater I ever witnessed. I could listen to the rain all night to help me go to sleep. These images are exceptional. Scary shit! Can't see how anyone could ever beat this. Unfathomable. I will bookcase this unit for future study. I must read this a few more times to get the whole concept and to fully appreciate. Wow! x 1,000 spooky. Did it take a long time to find these videos, music, rain and artwork? Best shit I seen in a long time. You are the king of scary stuff. Count your doubloon. spook-a-doo
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Comment Written 10-Nov-2014 |
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reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
Thanks, Spook-A-Doo, I'm really glad you enjoyed this one. I'd forgotten about adding the rain/thunderstorm sounds, do you think it's too much? Do you think it would be better with, or without them?
All of the animations, I already had. After I had the dream where the devil took me on a Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol-like trip through the air (he had gigantic leathery bat looking wings that trailed flames as they flapped! Creepy!), I got up out of bed and began jotting down notes about it.
This poem you've just read was the result of my efforts, and I just finished it a few hours ago.
I appreciate the exceptional rating and comments, Wackydo.
Thanks again!
SPOOKY~
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reply by ProjectBluebook on 10-Nov-2014
The sound effects of the thunder and rain is what made it come alive to me. I love to sleep to rain at night. You must had decreased to zero and added th embed code like you explained. Sounds come on automatic. I think this is super duper good. I do think that the rain made it awesome!!! Wow! spooky, you been holding back. spook-a-doo
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Comment by
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Hey, Dean,
Okay, I'm pleased to see by the end the dream, Mr. Warm and Fuzzy took a hike when He let the rain fall, and then I hope you woke up! LOL!
Holy moly, what a dream. You be taking so good meds, my friend. (*,*)
Excellent piece. Awesome graphics.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
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Comment Written 10-Nov-2014 |
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reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
Yeah, I think I need to look into getting them switched, Jax. I been havin' lots of strange dreams here lately.
Thanks for the review! :}
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