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127 total reviews
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Comment by | | May All Beings Be Happy | | | | | Poet Rating
 | Author Rating For Short Works
 | Review Stars
Rank: 143 | | | |
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Second review
:-))
First review (FOUR stars)
Wow--what a story. Some eloquent, excellent lines, too, with great rhymes and fine phonetics with poetic devices.
Overall, this is quite an impressive composition and flows well read aloud, except for a few spots noted below. The presentation is fantastic...including the rain sound in the background....awesome pics....well chosen background, etc.
NOTES--first, applause for my favorite lines and rhymes:
The sorrow, hatred, hopeless grief --
this cunning, stunning sad motif.
and
all evil that I'd ever spoken
dangled there like tainted tokens.
I looked around, immersed in pain,
then suddenly, cool calming rain
fell fast from clouds so dark and vast,
I finally felt relief at last.
Nice message, well voiced:
"No, it's not!" I cried with force,
"as long as hope remains a source
for tortured souls to rally 'round,
and life springs forth from barren ground.
Great rhymes and alliteration here:
With that, he vanished in a plume
of viscous smoke and sweet perfume.
Lots of good alliteration etc. Will not noted them all but I noticed the nuances...well done~
Some suggestions:
* The scansion in meter is a bit forced here:
"You see, my boy, there is no way
of escaping what you do or say.
Consider reworking. Substitutions in meter are acceptable when they flow but I do not think it works here.
*Same thing here:
You must promise me one thing,
you'll never worship that "other" king.
* and here:
and to the depths of hell He'll send
you and your horrid daze of death,
*and here:
"You fool, I've offered everything...
riches, women, and all they bring.
and here:
Sometimes I sense that he's still near,
lurking, preying upon my fear.
An idea:
Sometimes I sense that he's still near,
to lurk and prey upon my fear.
*These lines are fine but the cliche rhyme brings it down a notch:
It all returns to haunt your life.
But I will end their pain and strife.
*Suggest trimming off ellipses in front of the line. Using at the end of preceding line suffices:
...such sorrow's commonplace today
you feel that God whisks it away?
*
For(,) one day soon, your reign will end,
*
where(,) there, you'll draw your final breath."
*
So nectarous that it stole my breath.
not sure of spelling there, and also, I think trimming THAT would augment the smooth flow of the line.
Nice closing note:
And when that happens, without fail,
God sends the rain, His soothing veil...
I am sure many people will give this six stars...and it has potential for that but still needs tweaking and fine tuning (IMHO) Quite a memorable write, my friend. I recommend reading it aloud to 'hear' those spots I noted where the flow is forced or stumbles.
Warmly,
rd
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Comment Written 11-Nov-2014 |
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reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
Ha-hah! I absolutely love your reviews, rama, I truly do. It appears as if I have a bit more work to do with this one, LOL.
I promise to try and implement as many of your wonderful suggestions as soon as humanly possible, my friend.
A "tweaked, reedited version coming soon to a computer screen near you!
Thanks for the ever so thoughtful review.
Be well~ :}
~DK~
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reply by rama devi on 12-Nov-2014
Thanks for your super-enthusiastic response, dear Dean. I may be offline a lot so I am going to upgrade your rating in advance. I appreciate your positive attitude and fun response.
Warmest Smiles,
rd
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reply by rama devi on 12-Nov-2014
PS--Fort to mention I enjoyed your inventive title!
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reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
Thanks, rama. Believe it or not, I worked on conceptualizing that longer than I did the poem, LOL.
I sincerely appreciate all of your help. :}
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reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
Anytime, rama. You know I loves ya! :}
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reply by rama devi on 12-Nov-2014
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Comment by
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| Pleasant Screams! I must remember that one. I found this poem to be a good read. I had such hopes it would end this way and you brought the sun shining through. Love a happy ending or even just the hope of one. How true it is that we are tempted in such a way daily, sometimes we rise above it, sometimes not. But, so good to know we have been snatched away from the jaws of defeat. As always an exciting read.
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Comment Written 11-Nov-2014 |
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Comment by
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| You have a knack for writing verse that hinges on the macabre ways of being. This is an excellently written poetic story line of poetic expressionism. I enjoyed partaking of this well delivered poetic story line... John
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Comment Written 11-Nov-2014 |
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Comment by
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Dean I'm out of stars.THIS IS MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE OF YOUR POEMS. don't let the doctors touch your medication if this is what it produces!!!!! I love the heeling rain....pun intended
God bless
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Comment Written 11-Nov-2014 |
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