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40 total reviews
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When he was writing and his wife first showed up, I was under the impression he was doing kind of an autobiography of what was about to happen. As in, the world had already ended and they were both getting ready for a planned suicide. Great job going back and forth through time while keeping it in the present tense. I felt like I was experiencing every bit of it rather than reading some sort of flashback.
There were a few little twists that definitely kept my attention. Then you had to go and tug on my thin little heart strings with her suicide... haha
Great job Dean, I am looking forward to reading more of your work now!
Sincerely,
Master Philip
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Comment Written 20-Jun-2015 |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
 Rank: 300 | Author Rating For Short Works
 Rank: 28 | Author Rating For Novels
Rank: 13 | Review Stars
 Rank: 47 | | | |
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Comment by | | | | | Review Stars
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I love this story, Dean... you've woven such a complex, yet tight, tale of our final days... as experienced through the eyes of your characters. Ghosts take many forms, and you've introduced us to several throughout this exceptional piece.
No clue at all what would have prompted a disqualification of this piece. I find myself not infrequently shaking my head at decisions made by the CEC...
Christina
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Comment Written 14-Jun-2015 |
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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
Thanks, Christina, and I'm right along with you there on the shaking of the head thingy as it pertains to the esteemed, all wise and powerful Wizards of FS. I wonder if they all hide behind black curtains as they berate and disqualify an authors work -- sneering whilst they spin strange dials, yank on levers and make prospective future disqualification victims go in search of flying brooms?
Just sayin'...
Thanks for the sixer, and your wonderful comments. You know how much I value your opinions.
~Dean
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reply by pipersfancy on 14-Jun-2015
I highly doubt that they put as much effort into their decisions as you give them credit for... I had one poem threatened for disqualification last week, if I did not revise it to meet the contest requirements (which, were not clearly expressed to begin with.) I stood my ground and, instead of altering my actual entry, added a prologue ramble to it... I had some good support from reviewers, and the piece was left to stand in the contest. Go figure.
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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
Yep...go figure. Maybe they simply don't want horror writers crowding up their pristine site with all that gore. Voila! That's it...it's a conspiracy. All that decay and rot (not to mention a few of the clunkers I've written) is stinking up the webrays! By golly, I think you might be onto something there, Piper. Heh-heh...
~Dean ;}
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Comment by | | | | | Review Stars
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Hi, Dean. I really liked the premise of this short story and the way the present is revealed at the end. The initial moment between husband and wife is sweet and shows character well. You are quite good at writing in this shorter format.
I can understand, though, why this might have been disqualified. You are using ghosts in a metaphorical rather than a literal sense, and also the contest required a supernatural genre. Overall, though, I think this a good start that could just use a bit of cleanup.
I have a few suggestions:
*****************
"Just something I've been working on since we discovered CX/2015 O1 last week orbiting our system" and "You know how much your colleagues at the Humbolt Institute hate to be kept waiting. Your awards ceremony is in less than an hour,..." --> These two bits of dialogue strike me as classic "As you know, Bob." I suggest that you find a way to incorporate that information into the narrative instead of the dialogue. One way of doing this might be:
"What... oh, that? It's nothing, really. Just something I've been working on since we discovered CX/2015 O1 last week--a science fiction story. It can wait until we get home."
"Well, hurry up. You know how much your colleagues hate to be kept waiting. The ceremony is in less than an hour, and with this traffic..."
I am receiving an award tonight from the Humbolt Institute, and she has a point. "I'm ready, you boring nag." I laugh lovingly. "Let's skedaddle."
I have told Alyse that the comet is merely orbiting our planet, but I wish I could tell her the truth--that the nine kilometer wide comet designated as CX/2015 O1, or Hale-Borne, will strike Australia's southern most peninsula, near The Wilsons Promontory National Park in Victoria, sometime early next week. They've been able to pinpoint that much, at least.
But, I've been sworn to secrecy by our government. Nationwide panic and all that, they told me. Anyhow, it's probably best she doesn't know.
*****************
It's that time already? I wondered. --> should be "wonder" to stay with present tense of the rest of the story
I continued to write... --> should be "continue" to stay with the present tense of the rest of the story
"I'm ready, you boring nag," I laugh lovingly. --> "laugh" is not a dialogue tag, so the comma after "nag" should be a period.
"...skedattle." --> skedaddle
southern most --> southernmost
Alyse shoots me that sexy sideways grin she has; just one of many of her unique idiosyncrasies --> the semi-colon should be comma
my geneator engages --> generator
I hope some of this was helpful.
Julia
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations. |
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Comment Written 14-Jun-2015 |
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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
Thanks, Julia, it's all very helpful, and you make some valid points as they pertain to the writing. I'll be sure to implement the ones I think are relevant.
As to the contest, you're dead wrong (no pun intended). Here's the prompt requirements, word per word:
Write a ghost story. No limit on the word count.
That's it, nothing more. So where does it say it "must" be a supernatural story? Are we all to assume there is just one meaning for the word "ghost?" And since we're on the topic of ghosts, Alyse was a spirit, and I'll prove it by including a passage from the end of my story...
The following excerpt comes as Lionel ponders his fate near the story's end;
"I'm never quite certain how long I can endure this solitude, not until I hear Alyse's lilting, song-like voice beckoning to me.
Old ghosts of the past.
Ghosts of humanity.
I slip in next to her, and share in her sleep..."
Now, I don't know about you, but I've never heard a corpse beckoning to anyone...except perhaps in one of Poe's classic tales. Spirits beckon. Ghosts are said to have beckoned a time or two. I'm not sure, I've never heard one beckoning me.
But not corpses.
Thanks for taking the time to write such indepth feedback, I do appreciate it. Some I agree with, some...eh-h-h, not so much.
~Dean
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Comment by | | | | | Review Stars
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| Oh, I think I see one headed for earth right now! *C/*X/06/2015wackydo comet. I think we may have time to get one last poem or novel chapter in before the big bang! This was a comical story. I surely, hope a comet or asteroid was not conjured from the mind of Mr. Spooky Dean Kuch. That comet is looking huge! I think I will say my hail mary's instead. Since the end is nigh, yaw might as well give Dean a few sixers. That is his last wish. Excellent story. I got to adjust my deluxe 4400 trioscopical telescope while the comet is in the atmosphere. God save us all! Spook-a-doo
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Comment Written 14-Jun-2015 |
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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
Yep, God save us all, Spook-a-doo, I agree.
I really appreciate you taking time out to read and comment on the story for me. There's been lot's of debate since it was disqualified as to whether or not this qualifies as a ghost story or not. I think it does of course, and several others agree. Yet there are those who say it's not, not really, and not in the traditional Gothic sense.
That's what I get when I try to be different.
Thanks for the feedback and the six stars as well. I sincerely appreciate it.
~Spooky ;}
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reply by ProjectBluebook on 14-Jun-2015
What it is -- they fear you. They don't want you to be different because then, your story poem would be better than theirs. I'm sure that you done kicked their asses and they remember. They would love to rid us, you, me, Mikey and also that Angel 7777 who is hell in contests. I got a killer story coming! Time to insert the dagger and twist some more. Maybe they will quit like Domino, lol! Guess all of that losing got him.
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Comment by
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Hi, Dean....
_ Was this a contest entry? I didn't get it in my inbox.
_ Great take on how the end of the world may happen. The dude wants to be ready.
_ The dazzling Alyse doing herself in---not good.
_ Crawling into the sleeping bag with said, dead wife. Eeeewww!
_ Kind a creepy, but you do creepy well.
_ Good story.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
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Comment Written 13-Jun-2015 |
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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
Yeah, it was a blind contest entry, Jax. No one visits the contest booths anyhow, so it's not surprising that you missed it. Me, that's the first place I go when I log on here. I feel it's important to try and support those who are brave enough to enter their work in a head to head competition against others. It's also part of the reason I get so behind in my replies, lol.
Thanks again, Jax. I appreciate your feedback, as I always do.
~Dean
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reply by Jacqueline M Franklin on 14-Jun-2015
I usually check out the contests. I go through spurts when I check them all the time, then I space out and just don't get 'er done! Grrrrr. Old broad syndrome, I suppose! (*<*)
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reply by the author on 14-Jun-2015
Nah, just busy broad syndrome, heh-heh. Oh...wait a sec. Am I allowed to even say that word? You know, the "B" word, being a man and all? I've got in trouble for that a time or two in my life, :)
Hopefully you'll excuse me just this once...
~Dean
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reply by Jacqueline M Franklin on 14-Jun-2015
I've on occasion, though I'll never admit it aloud, but have been known to say the wrong thing, but at my age, hey, if they can't take a joke, oh well, too bad, so sad. LOL
Translated, the 'b' work stands for brilliance....I'm sure of it. (*<*)
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