Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Status

New Here?
Sign Up
Fast! Three Questions.

Already a member?
Login

Contests

Haiku Poetry Contest
Deadline: In 3 Days

ABC Poetry Contest
Deadline: Mar 9th

6 Word Poetry
Deadline: Mar 13th

Cinquain Poetry
Deadline: Mar 16th

3 Line Poetry Contest
Deadline: Mar 20th


Writing Classes

0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.

Rank

Poet: None
Author: None
Novel: None
Reviewer:None
Votes: None






Reviews from
The Walk


A young man's journey to find his true home.

  31 total reviews 
Comment by
MTF1955
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
That was great! You tell an amazing story. I love horror and that was wonderful but also bittersweet and sad. Joe deserved better. Thanks again for a great story. Mary


 Comment Written 04-Jun-2016



reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
    Thanks so much for your enthusiastic review. I'm very glad you liked it. :)
Comment by
CobiDawn
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Wow! You have blown me away once again. You are a master story teller. You bring your characters and their environment to life. The impossible you make seem possible while adding an unexpected twist here and there. You tell tales that have yet to be told, rather than rehashing old ones. I'm honored to read your writing. Looking forward to what's next.


 Comment Written 09-Nov-2015



reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
    Thank you so much for that glowing review. I'm speechless. It's wonderful to have someone appreciate my work like that. I'm so very glad that you enjoyed this story so much. In all honesty I didn't think many people would read it because it's very long by Fanstory standards. I have been pleasantly surprised in that regard.
    I've actually been writing this story for over three years. I had it completely written, but never did anything with it. It just sat on my hard drive collecting dust. Then, when the Halloween Horror contest rolled around, I pulled this story out of mothballs and started the long process of revising it.
    It took me nearly a month to get it right. It amazed me how much my writing style had changed in just a few short years.
    Thanks so much for the stellar review and six star rating. Greatly appreciated.

reply by CobiDawn on 10-Nov-2015
    You're welcome and you definitely have a new fan.:)
Comment by
Ric Myworld
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Well written and entertaining story that covered a lot of ground, not just at the end, but throughout. Great job, and good luck in the competition. :-)


 Comment Written 03-Nov-2015



reply by the author on 04-Nov-2015
    Thank you so much for your fine review. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Comment by
sandragee
Premier Author
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This is a haunting tale with a great opening paragraph, an unforgettable ending, and the sympathetic character of Joe who makes you want to hug him. It's a story that stays with you long after you finished reading it.


 Comment Written 29-Oct-2015



reply by the author on 29-Oct-2015
    Thank you very much, Sandra, for your great review and six star rating. Greatly appreciated.
Comment by
Turtle... who?
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  486
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi Michaelk,

Read through this Halloween horror tale, I was engaged, curious to see where the tale would lead. I thought you kept the POV voice narrator in character and believable throughout. (I will say that you should reconsider some of the 'felt' I thought some of them might not be needed or it might be more engaging to not say 'I felt' when what was felt could be gone to.)

I was reading pretty fast, as I'm in a big-time playing catchup mode.
I saw the following things that should be fixed. I went with 5 stars because ... well, 'cause I'm hoping you will just fix these glitches, and I think I'm broken:

"We ain't readin' folk!" (s)She screamed as she beat me.
(Not She but she!)

She knew it was a long, dangerous[,] way to the patch
(you seemed to do this a lot... add one comma to many for when you need to have separation of adjectives... it doesn't go between the adjective and the noun.

The big, vicious dog
Not: the big, vicious, dog


inside me, like I knew I was doing wrong[,] but didn't care.
suggesting no comma here)

Momma wouldn't like that.(,) I argued with myself.
(comma not period)

satanic, pagan[,] candy
delete comma
It's satanic candy.... It's pagan candy.... so it's satanic, pagan candy
to separate the adjectives.. but don't separate the adjective from the noun)


"Evening(,) Sherriff," said a man behind
(add that addressment comma)

the street?" (t)The sheriff asked.
(dialogue tag... pronoun doesn't get capitalized)

"Thanks(,) Marcy. I'll send the paperwork
(add the direct addresment comma)

Hesitantly I went over and peered into [the tunnel](it).
(this is the second time you used tunnel sentence to sentence... this I'm suggesting you change to the 'it' and we would know 'it' was the tunnel)

wonderful, sugar-fueled[,] dream
(really... don't separate the adjectives from the noun... separate the adjectives from other adjectives of the same weight)

The EMT, (t)The sheriff, the judge,
(why is the sheriff capitalized here?

grampa a liar(?)"
(missing a question mark)

"Please(,) dad, not this again,"
(add the direct addressmetn comma. and Momma is Momma... really since he's calling the guy 'dad' as not 'my dad' It should probably be 'Dad' But just be consistent. Check for consistency.)

whisper(-)screaming
(is this a compound description? I think it might be)


 Comment Written 28-Oct-2015



reply by the author on 29-Oct-2015
    Thank you so much, as always, Turtle. I know I have the comma problem, but I've been trying to reduce it as much as possible. It surprises me since I've been editing this story for a month. Every time I go through it, I find another nit. I greatly appreciate you helping me eliminate the leftover mistakes.
    Thanks so much. Awesome review. I wish I had a thumb left to give you.
Comment by
Muffins
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is a melting pot of drama, suspense, and horror fiction. The story's child abuse theme bring the characters, their actions and reaction up to a higher level. The conflict between the boy's old life, new life, old mother and new mother is a clash of good and evil and tasty treat for any reader.

Good luck on the contest. By the way, the length is just right. Everything adds meanings to the story.


 Comment Written 28-Oct-2015



reply by the author on 30-Oct-2015
    Thank you so much. The length did bother me a bit. Normally I wouldn't even think of putting a story this big out all at once.
    I'm glad you enjoyed it and it kept your attention.
Comment by
Ridley Williams
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Hi, Michael,

First of all, I loved the set-up for "Joe Momma"...that was great! Lol.
But you did a masterful job in the telling of this tale; the horror of Joe's life with Momma, the build-up of hope as he seems to escape a life of servitude, the terrible fate of his new found family, and his eventual recovery, to what appears to be, a normal life.
Still, with everything he went through growing up, the ending was inevitable as he fulfilled his promise to Momma.

I have to say, I enjoyed the read and the excellent way you laid this one down...really, a nice piece of writing!

Hope you've penned a winner here, bud,
Bill


 Comment Written 28-Oct-2015



reply by the author on 29-Oct-2015
    You were the only reader to mention 'Joe Momma'. Thank you very much for validating that it was actually funny. :)
    This story was actually three years in the making. It started out as a 'under 99 words' story, and grew for a while, then I forgot about it for a couple years, until I saw the prompt for Halloween Horror. I pulled it out of mothballs and had to nearly a total re-write.
    I found it amazing how much my writing style had changed in just a few short years.
    Thank you so much, Bill, for your amazing review and six stars.
    I wish I had a review thumb to give you but I'm all out. Sorry.

reply by Ridley Williams on 30-Oct-2015
    Hey, don't worry about the "thumb", Michael, your appreciation is reward enough...and now that you mention it, I have a mess of work in an old file I need to re-access.
    Of course, as you say, our talent has grown and I, too, am afraid of the quality of work I may find, lol.
    Later, bud,
    Bill

reply by the author on 30-Oct-2015
    The thing is, even if the quality isn't there, at least the foundation for a story has been laid. It's easier to re-vamp than start all over. At least it was for me.
Comment by
Oxana
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I enjoyed your writing and felt your pain... You descriptiongs are wonderful and powerful. I like that it's written with a simple language, it was easy to read.
I think you are an excellent writer. I need to learn from people like you!
May God bless you and give you wisdom and inspiration to write more fascinated stories.



 Comment Written 28-Oct-2015



reply by the author on 28-Oct-2015
    Thank you so much for your great review and awesome six star rating. Much appreciated. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. There are many other talented writers on this site to learn from as well. Reading some of their stories will help quite a bit as well. I'm looking forward to reading some of your work too.
Comment by
2019 Novelist of the Year
Ulla
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  105
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  2
Review Stars
  Rank:  47
 

#2 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Well Michael, that is a bit of a ride, but a very good one. You had me glued to every word. You have obviously given this a lot of thought, and put in a lot of work in it as well. Very well written. It's a strong entry. Good luck in the contest. All best. Ulla


 Comment Written 27-Oct-2015



reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
    Thank you so much, Ulla. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I will send you some nail polish remover so that you can unglue yourself from my story. :)
    Yes, I did put a lot of work in. I've been editing this story for the last month. Glad to know it payed off. :)

reply by Ulla on 27-Oct-2015
    I'm looking forward to that. I'm still hanging in there, but will have to make a move soon. He he. Ulla
Comment by
giraffmang
Level 2 Pro
2018 2nd for short works
2017 Author of the year
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  132
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi Mike,

This had me completey engrossed as the entire story unfolded. A very well thought out and restrained piece. Great piece.

Great opening paragraph. Setting the scene up gently with the final 12 lines of that section. reader is immediately drawn in and asking questions.

A couple of short paragraphs later and we're there. dismembered by a train but we still want the details

"And I don't want ya takin' after em'." should the apostrophe be at the beginning of em - 'em rather than the end?

"We ain't reading' folk!" - no need for the apostrophe at the end of reading, or lose the 'g'.

"I don't' understand," - no need for the second apostrophe after the 't'.

Little did she know it
was nearly the same size as the shack I lived in with Momma - formatting is a little off here with an uneeded line break mid-sentence.

feeling guilty for leaving mama - this should maybe be 'momma' here as he has always refered to her as such whether talking or in thought previously.

There are a couple of paragraphs that run together and need a line break between them.

knocking over most of my meager possessions - this may feel like a minor point but I would consider deleting meagre as he had been in the foster family for quite some time. Whatwever he hd at that point would probably seem abundant in comparison to his former situation.

It goes from the fire crews arriving and giving Joe a blanket to bringing out the bodies. Perhaps add a line about him watching them put out the fire / his feelings.

All the best and good luck
G


 Comment Written 27-Oct-2015



reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
    Gareth, thank you so much for this amazing review. I really appreciate you going the extra mile to pick out mistakes for e to correct. Fixing these will give me a slightly better edge in the contest. I also plan on submitting this story for a Seal of Quality, since it has been so well received.
    I always find it amazing how I can miss little things like this. I have been editing this story for a month, and yet you found a handful of mistakes that I should've seen all along.
    Thank you so much.
    I'm glad that you were engrossed. I it weren't for the contest I would've broken this story up into four or five parts.
    I really wish I cold give you a reviewer vote, but I am all out for the month, sorry.
    Thanks again for having my back.
  Previous Page  1  -2-  3 4  Next Page 


Market your book.
Advertising options.
Promote your favorite work here with the Reader Weekly certificate.

Click here for info.


Share or Bookmark
  Contact Us | En español | Advertise With Us

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy