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Reviews from
LORD ABRAM
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Dawn of the Nordoxz"
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26 total reviews
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Comment byNovelist of the Year!
For Six Years!
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I think it a unique story, Amara... intriguing and quite gruesome in places - cleverly told.
however, it does need a bit of tweaking here and there.
I've added inverted commas, altho it is not clear (to me) why sometimes you use singles and other times doubles.
Also I've made a few suggestions for you to consider, but if not in agreement, just ignore them, my friend.
Many claimed he bore the blessings of his god. For though his hair was white like sheep's wool, his back was as straight as any man's half his age, and his eyes were as clear as an eagle's - HERE - these 2 sentences need to be connected - i.e
Many claimed he bore the blessings of his god, for though his hair was white like sheep's wool, his back was as straight as any MAN half his age, and his eyes as clear as an eagle's - NOTE: man - and I've left out "were" after eyes (not necessary)
(')Who are you?(') I asked.......
(')Told by whom?(') - add inverted commas
(')Then I will come into the light and meet you,(') I said.
(')What does god want of me?(') I asked him.
Then with a straight face(,) he continued[.](,) - NOTE: comma not period
The children were led single-filed out of camp and into their various homes and were prepared by the servants for bed.
The children were led single-file out of camp, into their various homes where the servants prepared them for bed. (NO d on file)
The Bohaus were wolf-like, long-fanged creatures with dark, coarse fur, and long snouts. They were eight-legged and foamed at the mouth. Their foam was poisonous. They would spit the foam on their prey, which acted like acid.
The Bohaus were eight-legged, wolf-like creatures with dark, coarse fur, and long fangs and snouts. They foamed at the mouth; the foam, which they spat at their prey, was poisonous and acted like acid.
still gripped their boney fingers --- bony
One other minor thing: you might want to consider using some alternative to "said" and "asked" from time to time.
i.e. stated - mentioned - offered - expressed - respnded //// questioned - enquired - just to break it up a little.
Good luck, my friend.
Margaret
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Comment Written 19-Feb-2016 |
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reply by the author on 19-Feb-2016
Thank you, Margaret, many great suggestions.
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Gangus Abram was a hundred and four. A seasoned, well traveled man, he fought and was severely wounded in the Great War against the Nordoxz.
Father Abram heard a voice--much as Abraham of the Bible in Old Testament times heard angels voices, and the voice of God. "'Rise quickly,' , the voice said, 'and seek a man called Naman who lives at the north end of the forest. There--you will find a single cottage.'
And so, the quest was on, as Father Abram rose, dressed, then grabbed his cloak and a lantern, then headed for the north end of the forest.
This story's like reading a long lost chapter of the Old Testament, Amada. I especially enjoyed how you your primary protagonist and lead character in this story, Abram, is telling the story to the all of little children all gathered 'round as he conveys the adventures of his travels. Meanwhile the children sit attentively, listening and squirming with anticipation... Great imagery.
"Where you frightened, Great GrandFather?"
Let's just say old Great Grand was as scared as a caterpillar riding the back of a Jay Bird, he said with a chuckle. The children giggled and squirmed. -----Haha, this was good, Amada...
I thought the following passage was endearing--as I pictured all the little ones sitting around a huge campfire while a tribal elder told of his adventures...
'I am the oracle Naman. I was told of your coming.'
Told by whom? I asked boldly.
'No one knows his name,' he said.
Then, as all good things usually do, it was getting late and time for all the little ones to be tucked in bed.
"I want to hear it now," said a little girl tearing herself away from her nurse.
"Aw goose feathers," said a pouting five-year-old...
Excellent writing, Amada.
I was really intrigued all the way through.
Good luck with this one!
~Dean 
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Comment Written 18-Feb-2016 |
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reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
Thank you Dean, for taking the time to read my first chapter. I really appreciate it. Thanks for pointing out the parts you liked.
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reply by Dean Kuch on 18-Feb-2016
Sure thing, Amada. Thank you for recommending it. It's a very entertaining read.
~Dean
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Comment by| 2019 Novelist of the Year | | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Rhonda | | | Poet Rating
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
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