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Reviews from
Hearts Desire


Erotica

  15 total reviews 
Comment by
Jim Lorson Sr
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Well Missy, you managed to drive my juices that haven't seen this action in a very, very long time. Though my friend did get it going!

Such great imagery you created in the readers review! Very well written my friend,,,,,,,Jim



 Comment Written 04-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
    Smiling ...thank you, Jim :)
    Glad to be of service ...lol

    Always,
    Missy
    Apologies for leaving this reply for so long.:(
Comment by
Bill O'Bier
 
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Great entry.....I think you did an outstanding job with this piece. Excellent use of words and a smooth flow. The picture is appropriate for the theme of the poem.

Wishing you the best,
Bill


 Comment Written 01-Apr-2016



reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
    :) Thank you so much, Bill!
    I am delighted that you reviewed this after the promotion. I will find a way to make it up to you :)

    Missy
Comment by
l.raven
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Hail Missy, so that's how it's done...I'll be right back...I have to go find my man and practise...LOL...I don't think you missed a thing...LOL...soooooo very well written you...well don e ....Love ya Linda xxoo


 Comment Written 31-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 01-Apr-2016
    ROFLMAO!!! Best review EVER!!! Love you, sweetie!

    Mwahhh
    Missy

reply by l.raven on 01-Apr-2016
    they were right when they said...practice makes perfect...it can also make you smile...big...love ya too you...glad I made ya laugh...xxoo love Linda...anytime!!!
Comment by
2016 Novelist Of The Year
Jacqueline M Franklin
 
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Hey, Missy

HOT! HOT! HOT!
= Whew! You hit the 'Erotica' button very well.

= I saw some slight tweaking of sentences that would make for a smoother read, and add more of an erotic feel. Also, some SPAG, BUT, all in all, this is a great entry for the prompt.

= As always, all of my suggestions are made with respect, so use or lose as you see fit. (*<*)

<> Examples: Sometimes the wording choices makes the scene sound mechanic and not the intended sensuality. Here is a quick edit to give you an idea.

=YOURS=
Our eyes met and the hunger I had created and wanted was there. Oh, yes he wanted more. I was going to give him more to be sure. I smiled to myself.
=SUGGEST=
Our eyes met, and the hunger I saw excited me as much as him. Oh, yes he wanted more of my enticements. It made me want to give him more ... more yet. I smiled to myself as I continued to titillate.

=YOURS=
My fingers playing in the area just behind the sack, little circles as I sucked one ball then the other. His breathing was faster now and little moans escaped his lips. But to his credit, he did not touch me ...I smiled to myself.

My attention shifted to his manhood...Long and definitely hard, my gut clinched, thinking back to the night before when he had driven me insane with his skills.
=SUGGEST=
When my fingers teased his sack with little circles, it caused him to breathe faster, and the moans that escaped only urged me on. When I sucked one ball then the other, I knew I had all of his attention. Ummm, and to his credit, he didn't offer touch me ... just enjoyed my overtures. That made me smile on the inside.

I continued my exploration of his long ... hard manhood, which gave me flashbacks to last night when he drove me insane with his gifted expertise. And now, I can can tell ... yes, he's enjoying my delicious intent just as much.

= If you'd like me to do a quick edit and show you what I mean, let me know. I'd be happy to do it.
= Good luck in the contest ... a contender!! (*<*)


* A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside Down! *
Jacqueline M Franklin (*_*)



 Comment Written 31-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
    It's already in the hands of the Committee :(
    Thank you sweetie for all of your continued support. Maybe I'll send for edit anyway for use in another story


    Missy

reply by Jacqueline M Franklin on 31-Mar-2016
    You bet ... anytime. (*<*)
Comment by
Jay Squires
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Hey, Missy you wrote some titillating stuff here. I don't generally like Exotica because we are all built similarly and have a similarity in the way we are stimulated. That means there can be little originality.

But the poet in you raised this up a level. You should do well int he contest.

Laying my head against his back, turning my face my nose teased his skin,[You need a comma after "face".]

Without pointing them out, you have several places you need to skip for a new paragraph.


 Comment Written 30-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    Smooches, my friend for stealing away for a lil x-rated action with me, this afternoon :)
    I really appreciate this, hon.

    Missy
    BTW...I think you are the best!!

reply by Jay Squires on 30-Mar-2016
    We both have good taste, Missy.

reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    Mwaahhhhh
Comment by
Ric Myworld
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Well . . . well . . . do you play tennis? No, not that I really give a damn about tennis, that's just the best my brain could come up with at this time. Great job, and good luck in the contest. :-)


 Comment Written 30-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    lmao!!! No, I don't...thanks sugga, I needed that laugh today :)

    Missy
Comment by
JTStone
 
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So, really Missy, is this all you think about?
Nothin' wrong with that...
You write like someone who has lived it. I don't much care for erotica written by some adolescent, either by age or emotionally, who has only dreamed of It. Most writers turn this genre into an uncoordinated act, or smut.
You present your erotica as art.
Jimmy


 Comment Written 30-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    Aww, Jimmy. your review has left me speechless!

    I have sat here and read it ...let's see 4 times already. LOL
    When I write these ...I close my eyes and watch it unfold in my mind. Dang it, Jimmy! I am blown away(no pun intended) with your review!!!

    Alwasy justafan and yours,
    Missy
Comment by
Sankey
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Good work. have not read a good story like that for ages. I wish we were in such a position to do these things. I think you know my wife has Cerebral Palsy and our love making is quite restricted and in every way very unique. Thankyou for the pleasure.


 Comment Written 30-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    No, I did not know about your wife. Prayers!
    I really appreciate you crossing the barrier of this style of writing, sir. Thank you for the R&R.

    Always,
    Missy

reply by Sankey on 30-Mar-2016
    Well mate it gave me a bit of a unique kind of pleasure in reading dare I say it. You know I hope you don't mind but it says in the bible "The marriage bed is not defiled" meaning anything a couple want to do together for their own pleasure is ok in God's eyes as they are one in Him.

reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    :)
Comment by
mfowler
 
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It's good to see you branch out into prose. While erotica isn't a genre I enjoy, I must say you wrote this very effectively. The journey around the man's body seems extremely real, and I'm sure some will be turned on by the specific details. Your choice of language is very good, and the mood you create is perfect for the style of writing and the challenge of the prompt.
A few suggestions:
I never tired of the sight ...either:
I never tired of the sight ..I'm never...or I never tire

shoulder blades and I felt his body tighten ever so slightly...needs a comma after 'blades'. It's sequence of phrases so you need the comma before the and, different to a series of single words.

Smiling I proceeded...comma after 'smiling'

My fingernails raked out gently across his chest. While my lips explored the shoulder blades of his back...Join these two sentences at 'while'. You have too many 'non-sentences without verbs, strung together in one short paragraph

My mouth, my kisses found his tight ass and I knew this was turning him on by the change in his breathing. ..comma after 'ass'

Philip had made me quiver with desire the night before and I wanted to feel his knees get weak now!..comma after 'before'

Using my thumbs I rub just on the outside,...'rubbed'...you've written in past tense all the way. All the verbs need to support that stance.

Cum ..wasn't sure if you meant 'come', but it may be a term I don't know.

his seed and as he..comma after 'seed'

There's a few paragraph breaks that need an extra line. They're pretty obvious.


 Comment Written 29-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
    Hi there, Mark. I want to thank you so much for really going at this with a red pen :) I keep learning all the time. With your continued support :) ...one day maybe, you will review a prose piece, and be able to say...I knew her when..:)

    As for "cum" it's the erotica slang for having an orgasm. :)
    Thank you again for all the time you took with this.

    Missy

reply by mfowler on 30-Mar-2016
    Thank you for your gracious response. You know, I get lists of spags like that every time I publish. Mostly, I can't see them after many edits, but sometimes I learn some new, small technical thing. I also learn the difference between American and Australian writing standards for punctuation and grammar. Many differences.
Comment by
michaelcahill
Level 1 Pro
rumours and innuendos
rumours of innuendos
 
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Most cool to start with something ignored in most of these writes, the back. Nice to know girls like a man's back too. A woman's back is most lovely especially the C curve at the bottom, love that. Everything else was quite nicely written and enticing and mostly realistic which is so often not the case. I love the loving and romantic tone of this too as I am one of those kind of guys. :)) Beautiful job (pun intended, of course). Seriously, really well written, Missy. I think this will do well. Some of the entries sound like, "Yeah, right, I'm sure that really happened..." Good luck with this. If you don't win, I'm sure you'll find some way to sooth your hurt feelings. mikey


 Comment Written 29-Mar-2016



reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
    I have not seen any of the entries at all...:(
    Thank you, Mikey

    And I declare, I don't know what you talking bout "some way to soothe my hurt feelings"!!

    Miss
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