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Reviews from
Justifiable Delirium


There is a thin line between sanity and insanity

  33 total reviews 
Comment by
babyross
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
What a great writer you are! This was amazing. As a writer who enjoys westerns, this is how it read to me. Wisdom is greater than love, shown like the rays of sun in this write proofing that sometimes love is not enough to mend broken pieces. I wish I had the six and even a seventh star for this ! So well done!


 Comment Written 04-May-2016



reply by the author on 07-May-2016
    Thank you for the kind words. I am inspired and motivated by this review. I have taken a huge risk in quitting my job to write a novel. I hope you continue to read my postings and God will I will publish my novel.

    Thanks again!
Comment by
fafa
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
The terror will always do that it looks, itprovokes me, incites me and you write itvery well and it describes it as such, withparagraphs well separated to make flowthe reading, congratulations


 Comment Written 16-Apr-2016



reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
    Thank you for the review
Comment by
chocoletdrop052
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This is truly delicious and if this is an not just a classic tale, but a drama that plays and plays into our society today. To be a best selling author, well this piece is more than any gold that can be produced in this world. Remember, these words: "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' Mark 10:6 We all are made in His image so we have to respect that. So as I stand and applaud your work and say Well done. Amen



 Comment Written 16-Apr-2016



reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
    Thank you very much for the exceptional review and the spiritual inspiration.

    Peace and Love in the grace of God
Comment by
Mary Wakeford
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  531
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi there, you asked me to review this after your review of My Life with Dad. This was a good read and you definitely have the scene build down in your descriptions. Some of the dialogue came across a little too stiff or scientific (with regard to pregnancy). I've made a few suggestions for you to consider. I would only suggest to write with language 70 % percent of your readers will understand. The other 30% will think you have a good grasp of language, but the 70% will be left with the priggish feel of the content. I hope that helps. It would also be nice if you spared the life of the sheriff's horse...your character will be hated more for that than killing all those evil peeps!


*waters, I was *pursued with repulsive -> did you mean *perused? as in examined, read carefully vs. give chase in pursued.

*in her exhilaration, she jumped out of the carriage and ran -> *With exhilaration she jumped out of the carriage and ran...

Shortly after that, Pastor Henry, a tall starched pinkish man, and his wife Caroline, a pudgy woman an inch above a dwarf -- rode up in an open wagon to welcome us. His wife attempted to smile at me, but a smile didn't come. But in my friendly nature, I ignored her grudging face and invited the Pastor and his wife for tea. -> *You've gone from welcoming 'us' to her smiling at just 'you'. I would start the second line with Caroline as she has already been introduced in the sentence preceding.

*As we sat in the sitting room, Pastor Henry asked, "What brings you to Warren County, Mr. Lee?" -> As the four of us settled in the parlor, Pastor Henry asked, (includes your wife again in the scene)

*After Pastor Henry said those words, Sheriff Morgan abruptly left, galloping towards town. Pastor Henry and wife quickly followed. -> Following the pastor's admonishment, Sheriff Morgan abruptly left, galloping towards town. Pastor Henry tipped his hat and headed to his carriage, with Ms. Caroline.

*Hearing those words from her delicate voice removed any doubt that tried to creep into my mind -> ...that crept into my mind

* I felt more love for Rebecca and was happier than the day I married her. Passionately rubbing her gravid stomach as the sun beamed its morning light through the windows of the carriage, I repeatedly kissed her fourth-month bulge, privately praying for the birth of a son. -> So this is just me talking, depending on who you want for your audience, this paragraph would turn me off. Rather than describe a their child growing inside his wife, your description is cold and awkward...eg, gravid (too rigid/science based) stomach; four month bulge (try womb...)

*slowly rode to my home, as this temporary insanity lingered. -> no comma needed between home as

* I lugubriously opened the door and saw Rebecca asleep. My thoughts were those of love and hate. -> I opened the door feeling every ounce of grief as I thought of my dead father and baby, reflecting on the words my father quoted five months before this night ... "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" "Keep your eyes open because wisdom is greater than love." Wisdom was about to meet evil with the razor edge of a hatchet.

*blame any of them -- because I ignored the warning signs they had given me for months. -> I ignored the warnings signs they had been signaling since our arrival.

*Knowing if I plead insanity, that would void my revised last will and testament, I plead justifiable delirium. But was convicted of six murders in the first degree.
-> A plead of insanity would void my revised will and and testament, so I pled...I was convicted of ...


 Comment Written 15-Apr-2016



reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
    Hi Mary,

    This review is a blessing. Excellent points for revisions. You have helped me to become a better writer through the mentorship of this review.

    Thank you very much for taking the time to provide your assistance!
Comment by
2016 Novelist Of The Year
Jacqueline M Franklin
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi, CEO--

= This is such an excellent story. I enjoyed it very much.
= You have a great grasp of the era.
= Your verbiage lends itself to that time, which in turn makes the reader feel as if they are in that time. NICE job.

= You don't need any help in the storytelling at all. I spotted some SPAG for you to consider. All suggestions are made with respect, so please us or lose as you see fit. (*<*)

<> Missing comma.
1) I didn't note them all. I'm sure you'll catch them on your next edit.
= I love you so much," she said(,) running into my arms with the
= your neck. Solid gold(,) I presume?"

<> Ellipses: space before/after
= "Ahh ... cakes and pies.

<> Correct em dash: no spaces between word,dash,dash,word
1) Your computer should make a long dash.
2) If it doesn't, then the settings are clicked in Advanced Proofing--that's okay, just do the double-dash (sometimes--we).
= visibly displayed around my neck--I said in

<> Since he is yelling, I'd use and ex/mark ! instead of period.
= I yelled, "I'm the new Sheriff[.](!)"

<> Always use a comma with direct address.
1) I didn't list them all--just examples.
= "Why yes(,) Pastor, my husband gave it to me as an engagement present."
= Please believe me! Trust me(,) honey!

<> Suggested rewrite for redundant usage of = you = whore
1) When you repeat the same words so close together, easy for the reader to pick up on over-usage.
=YOURS=
"You whore[]...[]you killed my son(,) you whore of Babylon."
=SUGGEST=
"You killed my son ... you whore of Babylon."

~~~~~~~~~
= My favorite genre to write ... westerns.
= I have quite a few posted, and will begin posting a new one soon. Right now, I have two books that I'm posting.

=::= A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside Down! =::=
Jacqueline M Franklin (*_*)

=::= Feel free to visit my profile on Amazon.com =::=
amazon.com/author/jacquelinefranklin


 Comment Written 15-Apr-2016



reply by the author on 15-Apr-2016
    Thank you Jacqueline for the review, corrections, and suggestions. Much appreciated...i i will visit your profile page on Amazon.com

    Thanks again

reply by Jacqueline M Franklin on 15-Apr-2016
    You're very welcome.
    Such an excellent read. (*<*)
Comment by
MTF1955
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
That was amazing! You drew me in and kept my attention through out the story. Horrible but I can see where he would lose it after the deception. Great Job. Mary


 Comment Written 15-Apr-2016



reply by the author on 15-Apr-2016
    Thank you for the six stars and inspiring words! Very much appreciated!

    Cornelius
Comment by
Ric Myworld
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  132
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
How can so much hatred come spewing from a single character of a short story. Any man be filled to such a bubbling-over of rage. I could feel it myself, coming from you as the author, Byron, and I must say, from me cheering him on with every swipe of the blade or chop of the hatchet. Justification for us all. I've been reading entries into the current horror contest, which you should have entered. In my humble opinion your story would have won, hands down. Thanks for sharing your outstanding piece. Great job. :-)


 Comment Written 15-Apr-2016



reply by the author on 15-Apr-2016
    Thank you Ric for the exceptional review! I actually saw my story more of a thriller than a horror...that is why I didn't enter but you right I should have. But I have to give credit to a few members here who can me some very good advice in perfecting this story. I.m glad you enjoyed the story and your words provide much inspiration as I pursue my dream.

    Thanks again


reply by Ric Myworld on 15-Apr-2016
    I'm wishing you the best! and you have talent on your side. There are plenty of bad writers who make it for one reason or another, Shades of Gray coming to mind. However, I promise that true story tellers with ability win out in the long run. I look forward to reading more of your work. I wish I knew some of the writers who have helped you most, as there are some good ones on this site. Keep up the great work. :-)

reply by the author on 15-Apr-2016
    Jay Squires
    giraffmang
    DianeK
Comment by
frogbook
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I wish I still had a six. This was a powerful story so compelling and vivid that I would not have been able to stop reading if I had wanted to...which I did not. This is a Wow type of story and there is little else good enough to describe it.


 Comment Written 15-Apr-2016



reply by the author on 15-Apr-2016
    Thank you. After reading your profile, your excellent grade means much more coming from a writer of your accomplishment. I am dreaming to become published one day and your words are very inspiring.

    Thanks again
Comment by
Relda Halbert
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  81
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi - Your story tells the story of devastating betrayal and the retribution of an altered-mind. Byron Lee had spent a lifetime facing bigotry and hatred. He had opened his heart to a white woman. He had experienced crushing loss, his son, his father ... and then the knowledge of infidelity and murder. The retribution is understandable ... the manner dictated by the extent of the betrayal. He remained true to his dream of a city of equality, instead providing means to his servants.

I found the details of the killings realistic. I am rarely a 'blood and guts' reader, but I have no doubt that your piece more than holds it's own in that genre.

My best to you in your quest for publishing your book.

God bless,

Relda



 Comment Written 15-Apr-2016



reply by the author on 15-Apr-2016
    Thanks Reida for your acute analysis of the story. Horror is not the genre of my choice. I'm more of a drama writer. My novel in a sentence - A resolute mother prevails over systemic racism to guide her children out of generational welfare.

    Thanks again for the review. Peace and Love

    Cornelius
Comment by
prettybluebirds
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Exceptional. Wow, this is quite a story. I'm glad you asked me to review it for you. It is action packed and very believable. I don't blame him for killing all those folks, they had it coming. You are one great story teller.


 Comment Written 15-Apr-2016



reply by the author on 15-Apr-2016
    Wow six stars! Thank you so much. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
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