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of sonnets


Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "My whispered wish"

collection of poetry

  22 total reviews 
Comment by
Teri7
Premier Author
Teresa Shortess
 
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Review Stars
  
 Rank:  82
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This is a very beautiful blank verse poem you have penned. You wrote from the heart and I love that! Very good wording and it gives us a picture of who you are and how deep you love! Blessings, Teri


 Comment Written 19-Feb-2017



reply by the author on 19-Feb-2017
    Many, many thanks Teri! Also for your generous scoring. Yes I think poetry brings out the fun in one, but also at times the most introspective. Thanks for appreciating!
Comment by
Benny Beeharry
 
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Hi friend. I love the way you put these words and also may your wishes come true. Goodness always stays. Thats what is left of a person after he dies. No one wants to know a bad person. May your wishes come true.
Danny Jock


 Comment Written 19-Feb-2017



reply by the author on 19-Feb-2017
    Thanks Danny.

    I hope they do and I hope you are right, that goodness stays. I wish I were religious, but I am not, so I have to make the very best of this life and hope the memory of all I thought good and right stays with my sons (and husband, if he is still alive) and helps them. Thanks for adding your wish to mine. You are very kind.
Comment by
Sixty70
 
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Lovely rhyme and meter in a well-crafted poem. The sentiment does have an 18th century feel to it. The last four lines are my favorite, with their wish for posterity and what you offer to it. Love the alliteration of "I whisper wishes to the wilds of winds..."

Best of luck in the contest.


 Comment Written 19-Feb-2017



reply by the author on 19-Feb-2017
    Thanks so much sizty70. You are very encouraging!!!
Comment by
evesayshi
 
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  Rank:  60
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  Rank:  361
 
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In my opinion, a plaintive melody of a life Lived and claimed - it appears as a legacy to those touched by this life - beautifully expressed in Blank Verse, whispered to be heard, in compliance with the prompt. Best of luck in the contest...


 Comment Written 19-Feb-2017



reply by the author on 19-Feb-2017
    Thanks evesayshi. This is not a contest entry anymore, but I am using it as part of a compilation for a book of sonnets.
    Thanks for reading and enjoying!

reply by evesayshi on 20-Feb-2017
    You are very welcome - best of luck in your endeavor...
Comment by
2020 Poet of the Year
royowen
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The only thing of value that I can leave, is my belief that something lies beyond the veil, and whatever I do or the acts of charity and kindness points to that end. Unfortunately this life holds no hope, naked we're born, and naked die. But this is beautifully written, some excellent phrasing and like a lot of earthly wisdom, light is seen through a haze of mist. But well done, great poem, blessings, Roy


 Comment Written 19-Feb-2017



reply by the author on 19-Feb-2017
    Thanks Roy, I wish I could believe in more than what I physically see, it must be a great comfort.
    However, since I don't, I just have to cherish what I know I have and hope the legacy of love I leave is enough!

reply by royowen on 20-Feb-2017
    Some wise person once said, what we don't see is real, what we see isn't. The things we see won't be here in the future. Wind is real, electricity is real, but I can't see them, faith and hope can't be seen, love can't be seen, yet the exist, they all have eyes, do you not believe in them? they will remain, when we don't, or will we, Hayley? If I didn't believe, I wouldn't want to live. Blessings, Roy
Comment by
2021 Novelist of the Year
Pantygynt
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  Rank:  14
 

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The first thing to realise when dealing with blank verse on this site is that what was good enough for Shakespeare is not necessarily acceptable to FanStory. In S1 you have lines ending deceased/beliefs. Such assonance is likely to be classed as rhyme. In S2 you have lines ending import and thought. This is full rhyme and does need to be changed.

Be ready also for American rhymes. I don't think you have any here but talk rhyme with clock as far as they are concerned asn some really lovely arguments can ensue on an international site like this. Generally speaking Americans do not understand near rhyme and visual or printer's rhyme is also unknown.

I had a problem interpreting this line:

"then cleave the light when clarity seems lost."

I could not think why splitting slight in two would increase clarity, and wondered if you meant it in its other sense "cleave to light".

Good luck in the contest.


 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016



reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
    What a pleasure to finally here someone who knows something! (At least in sync with me....) who may, in fact, be a complete ignoramus but at least we are ignoramuses together!
    I couldn't care less about American rhymes or what people know or don't know so long as I, personally, am happy with a piece! The bar is very low on this site, I am coming to gather!!!
    (I have to lie through my teeth to liberally dish out five stars and am getting sick of it!)
    Although, there are, in fact, some very fine writers, but to wade through everything to get to them.....!!!!!!!!

    Now, I have been racking my brains to change thought and import (which you rightly point out are rhymes in blank verse which have to be changed) without interfering with sense. Instead of import I could use matter, but that interferes with iambic rhythm, so I have decided to leave be, unless you have genius suggestion?
    Deceased and beliefs are definitely staying - good enough for the bard, fine for me laughing!!
    Yes, I thought long about the cleave phrase. I like that it means both split and cling to, and waken on keeping both impressions. I justified the light rather than two light because it brought the other meaning in more, and i was thinking, if you split light,you don't halve it, as with most things, you in fact double it. Think of a candle.... spit the light of that with another candle and you have two sources of light from one initial source. Not halved, but doubled.
    But, this may well be too opaque and I will allow you to decide on best use.
    Tell me, dear Pantygynt, and I will obey.


reply by Pantygynt on 25-Jul-2016
    The forum frequently gets clogged with people expressing their opinions on this subject. I hav been on the site now for about 15 months and like many newbies, incurred great wrath when I first started reviewing by dishing out grades strictly in accordance with the site guidelines. I am still muted by a couple of people gor giving adverse criticism. At the other end of the spectrum are ignoramuses who either do not have dictionaries or refuse to use them, and mnark down when a they meet a word with which they are unfamiliar.

    Then there are the ranking hunters. These have sussed out that the more reviews they do the higher they will rank as reviewers. So they churn our two to three lines of bromide, give it five, and on to the next.

    So why stay? Because I have not found anywhere better. Because I have made some very good and knowledgeable critics and writers here whose friendship and knowledge I value, and because I enjoy helping, where I can, those who genuinely want to improve.

    I work with those who want to work with me and if I can say nothing good about a piece I pass it over and don't bother to review.

    Who do you get to meet the good guys? Fan, fan, fan. They will probably fan you back and you begin to build up a coterie of like-minded people. Each day I deal first with the New Writing on Line from people I haver fanned, and the replies. Then reviews of my work and then I work down the listings. The more $$ you spend on a post the more people outside your fan club will review you. I discovered you on a blank day when I was down among the cheapskates at around the 30 cent mark. (Please don't take offence).

    Finally if you award lower than five stars and you can. Give a valid reason. What, as writers, we hate is a review that says "Marvelous I loved it", and then gives it less than 5. That is a complete non sequitur. Give it time and build a team around you. You are part of miy team and I am part of yours and "Illegitimati non carborundum sunt" or "don't let the bastards grind you down.
Comment by
patcelaw
Premier Author
 
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  Rank:  339
 
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I think that almost all of wish to leave a legacy when we leave this life. May it be of joy. joy and caring. Nicely written and presented. Patricia


 Comment Written 24-Jul-2016



reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
    Thank you, Patricia
Comment by
Aqua2021
 
 
Excellent
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This was really well written. Maybe remove the comma after "that" in the first line and put it after "deceased" for a smoother read. I did like the breaks of pauses in the second stanza especially. Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest!


 Comment Written 23-Jul-2016



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
    Thank you. That is where it was until one reviewer suggested the other, laughing. Comma now back where it should be, thanks to you!
Comment by
RoostyNester
 
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I liked your iambic pentameter non poem of the message you would like to leave behind. We all want to leave our mark on this earth...some with pride of family name. Some with riches. Some with their love of family and friends. And some spreading the joy to others through their words. I thought your poem was touching to read and left a message to the reader!


 Comment Written 23-Jul-2016



reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
    Thanks again, for your lovely comments and appreciation.
Comment by
suep
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Beautiful sentiments wonderfully worded. Great rhythm, flow and alliteration. I especially loved 'that glitt'ring gems of good intent are mined
by digging, delving, touching, trying hard'. Heartfelt and inspiring. Perfect artwork choice and beautiful presentation. Excellent work! :)


 Comment Written 22-Jul-2016



reply by the author on 22-Jul-2016
    Thanks so much. I hope you got my previous reply, my internet went down as I was thinking you very profusely for the six stars!

reply by suep on 23-Jul-2016
    Hi Hayley. No, the previous reply didn't make it through, but you're very welcome! It was certainly worthy of the six stars. Very beautiful! :)
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