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Reviews from
The Man on the Moon


Saying goodbye--900 words

  23 total reviews 
Comment by
Muffins
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Intriguing emotional visual on the last moment of a life. Choice of verbs and powerful intense sentences not only gives the reader an in depth look at this man's heart and mind, we are challenged to find out what happened to him. Was he exiled and why? Is the earth still around. The ending slid in graceful and unexpected as a found $100 bill. Beautiful plot which took the theme of dying to an amazing place. If this doesn't place, the judges are forever in my eyes brain dead! Good luck with the contest. Wow, what a story.


 Comment Written 03-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 03-Aug-2016
    Thank you very much for your generous feedback, and of course the stars, but knowing the story had the effect in the reader I intended is gratifying. My sincere appreciation for your kind words.
Comment by
Cumbrianlass
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Oh, my god. Brilliant. You plunge the depths, taking us into the wonderful mystery that is the human mind. Who's to say he wasn't actually on the moon?

Spectacular language, and a very creative approach to this prompt. Not a cliche in sight.

Brought tears to my eyes. Made me think of my mum, bless her precious heart!

Hope this gets recognition. It very much deserves it.

Wonderful work, Ingrid.

I hope you're feeling better.

Av

xx


 Comment Written 03-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 03-Aug-2016
    I am. Still achy, but I don't feel like total crap.

    Thanks for the stars. Seriously, this story took several days to write, and naming the wife April was not coincidence as you were a huge influence in the way I approached the story.

reply by Cumbrianlass on 03-Aug-2016
    Then I'm honoured!
Comment by
davisr (Rhonda)
Premier Author
Rhonda
 
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Review Stars
  Rank:  182
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This so deserves a six. I wish I had saved one for this moment!
It is perfect and flawless.
I never expected to see it was a man on a respirator. He was being kept alive by the machines, and felt alone like a man on the moon.
And then he remembered his love-April, and the darling daughter, whose job it was to pull the plug.
Very well played,
Rhonda


 Comment Written 03-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 03-Aug-2016
    Thanks, Rhonda. There are some stories I write that take me deep inside the character as this one did.

reply by davisr (Rhonda) on 03-Aug-2016
    I could feel the emotion!
Comment by
DALLAS01
Level 1 Pro
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
We really don't know what scenes ae playing out in the minds of the dying. I was reading hurriedly, to get to the twist that I knew would follow. A great transition. The phrasing was outstanding. A garnished presentation from your extensive menu of surprises.


 Comment Written 02-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
    You are always so very generous with your words and continued support/ Cheers for the graduate and the new journey about to begin. Thanks.

reply by DALLAS01 on 03-Aug-2016
    :-)
Comment by
cterp
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This is very moving, well written, imaginative.

There are a couple of places that are a bit confusing, primarily where you say "oncologists" & I think you mean it to be singular. It's also a bit confusing about April and May, since Coma Man is having memory issues. Are they both his daughter, or is April is wife and May his daughter? If so, what happened to April? If not, what happened to April?

But on the whole, well done in 900 words. Good luck in the contest.

chris


 Comment Written 01-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 01-Aug-2016
    .Thanks for the stars and the catch--corrected. I changed sweetheart to my baby girl---hope it helps. April was the wife and MAY THE DAUGHTER THAT GIVES PERMISSION FOR THE DISCONNECT. Sorry about the caps.
Comment by
dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Keep right on
writing on
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  52
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  50
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Review Stars
  Rank:  25
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
You do really well with these prompts. This one and the last one of yours I read were excellent, my friend. I love the beginning which is outdone only by the ending. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie


 Comment Written 01-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 01-Aug-2016
    Thank you very much. Fingers crossed.
Comment by
Jay Squires
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This is really well-done, Ingrid. The storyline is evocative, which allows the reader to participate in the story. I didn't find any nits. But one thing I would suggest is no minor consideration. Your scene break that introduces the second and climactic shift, goes from first person to third person. To me that's too jolting a transition, since when the I is gone, through whom every thought and feeling was filtered, the story ends. I would suggest, since it's a short piece, to try the first part in the third person and see how it sounds.

None of this takes away from the dynamic concept. It's a mind-bender.


 Comment Written 01-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 01-Aug-2016
    Thanks so much for all the stars. I couldn't possible create the intimacy of the opening in third person. Yes, it was a very deliberate change to 3rd tense. Jarring, nut the surprise of flash that everything isn't as it seems to be. It's not safe--I know that, but I've worked hard to overcome writing for FS. simply looking for wins. I'm a gracious (if not, good) loser.

reply by Jay Squires on 02-Aug-2016
    Haha! I'm probably the only one to mention it, and perhaps it's more from the "craft" standpoint and not as an exception. I've looked it over and especially with the final line of the story you bridge the gap between first and third person. Sometimes it's not a bad thing to be jarred out of convention. Good luck with the contest.
Comment by
Mark Valentine
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  Rank:  120
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  Rank:  34
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  Rank:  6
Review Stars
  Rank:  147
 

#6 Ranked Script Writer
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
An interesting take on the picture. It has some great lines "The amputation of humaniity" , and "relinquish my mortgage on immortality" are great takes on what it must feel like to separate oneself from life.

Some great symbolism also - April and May as the names of the two people he loved, back in the spring of his life, "He is not part of this world any longer" sums up the situation and ties the piece back to the metaphor of the man in the moon.

Ultimately, I think it expresses a truth: the one thing that may bring us solace as we face the end may be the love we knew, remember, hold onto (and take with us?)

It's a well-written piece that makes the reader think about the important questions.


 Comment Written 01-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 01-Aug-2016
    Thank you very much for your generous words and the glitter. Yes, I was trying to do something slightly different than the sci-fi approach this picture was sure to produce.
Comment by
giraffmang
Level 2 Pro
2018 2nd for short works
2017 Author of the year
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  137
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  15
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  8
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  107
 

#8 Ranked Novelist
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Hi Ingrid,

Oh thank god for this piece. For the creative approach. At first I thought it was going to be the same old last man watching a ravaged earth, but it was so much more.

The epilogue to the piece ties in very well and there are clues crossing over both sections of the narrative but not bloody great signposts either! LOL

This deserves to well in the competition.

All the best
G


 Comment Written 01-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 01-Aug-2016
    I haven't fared very well in the site contests, no doubt I've pissed off the wrong people. LOL. I wasn't planning on doing this, but Bill Clinton started his speech last week with a simple sentence that stuck... I met a girl... Then I scrolled past this pic and the words came out---I'm the man on the moon. Thanks for the kind words and the stars.
Comment by
innerworlds
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This piece is so well written and so vivid, it's like watching a movie instead of reading a story. My imagination fills in the gaps for the visual part, and I can even hear his voice as he thinks his thoughts.
The ending is pure genius. You had me convinced that this man was part of a space program gone wrong, stranded and incommunicado with those who sent him on the moon expedition.
And then a different reality sets in. Very poignant, with a much happier ending than expected. Thanks for sharing this with us all. Good for a re-read!
Randi


 Comment Written 01-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 01-Aug-2016
    What a stunning review you gave me, explaining how the elements I worked hard to come through affected you. Thanks so much for the generous words and stars.

reply by innerworlds on 02-Aug-2016
    You are most welcome. Thank you for giving me good reason to do so!
    Many blessings!
    Randi
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