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Reviews from
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Be careful what you ask for.

  16 total reviews 
Comment by
Mark Valentine
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  120
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  34
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
  Rank:  6
Review Stars
  Rank:  142
 

#6 Ranked Script Writer
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Wow! So sorry I don't have a six for this incredibly creative, chilling piece, The setting (a carnival) was great. you had your usual foreshadowin hint near the beginning "like I was being killed". We all knew something bad would happen, but the torment you dreamed up as the story's climax was unique and unpredictable.

In addition to being a great horror story, it had many of the elements of a fairy tale (think Pinoccho or Hansel and Gretl) -where the bratty child gets his comeuppance (and then some) and the story serves as a lesson for other children. I can see parents reading this to their misbehaving 7 year-olds at bed time.

A deserving contest winner - congrats!


 Comment Written 14-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
    Thanks so much, Mark. I never really considered this a bedtime story though. That could work. I actually got part of the idea from 'Something wicked this way comes'. I thought the 'Mr. Dark' character was never explored enough.
Comment by
Alex Rosel
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  153
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  10
Review Stars
  Rank:  21
 

#10 Ranked Author
Excellent
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Eerily scary and intriguing. The expected twist comes earlier than is conventional in short stories such as this, and it's more an seeping than a short, sharp twist - but none the worst for it. Then, you pile in with another seeping twist. Smart technique.

I enjoyed reading this. Congratulations on the contest win.


 Comment Written 05-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 05-Sep-2016
    Thank you very much for your great review and the congrats. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment by
Contests
 
 

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A contest winning entry! A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for posting the winning contest entry.


 Comment Written 05-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 05-Sep-2016
    Thank you so much! I am surprised, honored, and humbled by this contest win. :))
Comment by
Muffins
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Inspires chills and serious thoughts about mother knows best! An inventive plot that scares you to pieces. It creeps into the deepest fear of the take over of our life, entrapment, and never ending pain. I wish I had a six to rate this with. I re-read this story and each time it amazed me. Good luck with the contest. I can't see this not placing. I just can't.


 Comment Written 19-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 20-Aug-2016
    Thanks so much. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Re-reading twice and it still gives you the creeps? Wow, I'm very happy with that. :)
Comment by
frogbook
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Reminiscent of the illustrated man but better in my opinion. It was strange because when thinking about a horror story to write, that story came to my mind. I started a story, not about a tattoo, but an idea that sprung from that, but it took on a life of it's own and I'm still writing. Hopefully I can come up with one but I don't think I can compare to this most excellent creation. Great work-loved the creepy and sad ending! I would give it a 7 if I had one.


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
    Thanks so much for your great review, kind words, and six stars. I read Bradbury's Something Wicked this way Comes, and was intrigued by the Mr. Dark character. I never read the Illustrated Man, but just like you said, reading a story gave me an idea for a story.
    I already encouraged one reader to go ahead with their story for the contest, and I will do the same for you. Don't worry about someone else's story being better or worse, write your own anyway. I write for fun. Entering contests is just a way to keep me motivated and working within a deadline. Your story could be much better than mine, but in the end it doesn't matter as long as you enjoyed writing it and learned something in the process. :)
    Write on.
Comment by
Razaz3l
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I read this at work when you posted it, but doing effective reviews on a crappy second rate cellphone feels like an injustice. >.> I thought this was effective and nicely done, even if a little predictable. The moral is glaringly obvious and applies exceptionally well in today's society. I might read this to my kids when they're a little older. My children aren't like this at all (i'd beat the ungratefulness out of them.) but I like them to understand the WHY of everything, and something like this could go a long way in conveying the point. Anyway, back on track, Great stuff as usual, Mike! Hi5!

"Aw, come on, mom, I wanna see the Living Tattoo," I wailed.- I knew with this line alone where this was heading. My first impression was a spoiled kid wants something, can't have it, throws a tantrum and some genie-esque individual sees the weakness to exploit.



Defacing yourself like some bathroom wall is just disgraceful and disgusting- I liked this line

I dragged my feet and screamed like I was being killed- I see these kids far too often -_-

Go straight to your room- Might want an additional break after 'drove us home' cause I was still under the impression they hadn't made it home yet. obviously a time jump occurred without the cue

I never get anything I want.- Still don't feel sorry for this kid

his three visible teeth- nice touch there

Excuse me(,) your highness. - I'm pretty sure a comma goes here as carny is addressing the boy with a title

Squallor - one L

[The sudden feeling of] panic - I think everything before panic could be dropped for tighter prose

just so you could have your own way- around here I wondered how old this kid is supposed to be. If he's anything less than a teenager, i'd say his shitty attitude is almost forgivable. He might still be able to be saved with a swift intervention.

They didn't believe such a creature existed.- eh, I call horse shit on that one. too many of these exist. o.0

I saw (the first of many things) [the thing] I'll never forget. - I think this would be more apt as he's likely to remember everything up to and beyond this point.

He glanced back at me.- a new lease on life, you're welcome >.>

Green-eyed boy tattoo- Just another victim...

Stellar work, Mike, keep it up.


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
    You, Sir, rock harder than Disturbed. :) Thanks so much for all your help in this amazing review. I made a few changes that tighten the story up a bit. I'm so glad to have your eyes on this story. It never fails, no matter how many times I re-read and re-edit, I still miss stuff.
    I'm sorry it was predictable. I tried to change it from the living tattoo being the villain to him being the victim.
    Thanks a million.
Comment by
ioana.u
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
That was a fantastic story! The idea was amazing and the atmosphere was perfect, with the difference between the cotton candy smell and the filth. And the tattoo that attacked him was brilliant. I loved your story!
Ioana


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
    Thank you so much for your great review and six stars. Greatly appreciated. I'm so glad you liked the story. I was pleased with the way it turned out.
Comment by
Ulla
Premier Author
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  174 (+3)
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  122
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  1
Review Stars
  Rank:  47
 

#1 Ranked Novelist!
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi Michael, a very good story, and scary as well. I like how it's all seen from the child's point of view, and ends up living the nightmare.
'and came face to face with a carny' The rest of your story you spell it 'carney' so I suppose that's the right spelling. I've looked it up in Oxford dictionary but the word cannot be found. What is a carney?
'feeling my way as I drown in the pitch black = as I drowned in the pitch black.
I really liked the story and good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:)


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
    Thanks so much, Ulla for your great review and for pointing out things that didn't make sense.
    A Carney is a worker at the fair or carnival. They travel from town to town setting up and tearing down the rides and attractions.
    Thanks to you, I included a brief explanation in my author's notes.
Comment by
write hand blue
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  518
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
A good original entry for the horror competition. Well told from the child's POV.

The tension rises as we read, just know that something bad is going to happen. And fair grounds seem to be a common place. I like the twist at the end.

I'm pleased I decided not to enter this contest. A great story with I believe a good chance of success...
~Mel~


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
    Thank you so much for your great review and six stars. I appreciate your kind comments, but wish you would reconsider about the contest. Your only competition in writing should be yourself. I enter contests for fun, but I write for me. You never know what the judges will like.
    Go for it.
    Write on.

reply by write hand blue on 15-Aug-2016
    It's nice of you to encourage me to enter the horror contest. And yes you are right. Writing should be fun and for one's self.

    I've just had an idea so maybe I'll have a go after all. Much appreciated...

    ~Mel~

reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
    No problem. Isn't that what we're here for, to encourage each other?
Comment by
Linda Engel
Premier Author
Having fun with my Fan Story friends while petting the cat.
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  560
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Of course you always have a chilling aptitude for scaring the geebees out of me with your twisted tales of unforeseen endings. Your stories have a gripping twist near the end. Id you could have heard my "GASP" you would have been proud. Now I must go to bed . It is 12:30 am.


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
    Thanks so much, Linda. I'm glad you liked my story and hope you find your geebees again. I would think you would've learned by now not to read my stuff late at night. :)
    Always appreciate the six stars. :)
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