Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Status

New Here?
Sign Up
Fast! Three Questions.

Already a member?
Login

Contests

75 Words Flash Fiction
Deadline: Tomorrow!

My Faith Poetry
Deadline: In 3 Days

Fantasy Writing Contest
Deadline: Dec 14th

Free Verse Poem
Deadline: Dec 17th

Haiku Poetry Contest
Deadline: Dec 20th


Writing Classes

0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.

Rank

Poet: None
Author: None
Novel: None
Reviewer:None
Votes: None






Reviews from
Yes, Seriously!


3rd person omniscient-Potlatch challenge

  26 total reviews 
Comment by
Susanne M. Psyris
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  500
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
mikey....no fair hypnotizing the reader into giving you (a well-deserved!) the six-star rating I am giving this! lol. Great writing...truly enjoyed this short story and the characters and how you used your POV's to make great sense out of all this craziness. Thoroughly enjoyed this work very much. Easy to see why it won!!!! God bless and hugs, Susanne


 Comment Written 19-Sep-2016


Comment by
I am Cat
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
LOL, you're a nut... (I know that because you're my twin) this is awesomely written... after about six of those 'seriouslys" I seriously started to get annoyed, and then, I started to expect it. By about the twentieth one, I was flat out smiling. lol
congratulations on your win, MIkey. This is a 'seriously' fun entry. ;)
lol
Just a few things that no one else has stopped to consider:

Gloria retrieved her weapon and yelled freeze(,) firing a shot in the air.

Screw that. "I'm the force behind all of you. I'm Third Person Omniscient Point of View. You don't talk, poop, move, think or do a damn thing if I don't sidle up beside you and do it for you. Get it, Gloria? Seriously."
(lol... seriously?) ;)

Her luscious breasts were hypnotic and Francois couldn't keep his eyes off [of] them.
(I don't think you need BOTH prepositions (depending on the actual size of the breasts, of course) lol

"Hey. Stop this. You('re) killing Francois.

Great job! And congrats!
Cat



 Comment Written 17-Sep-2016


Comment by
dragonpoet
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  93 (+1)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  56
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Vey humble aren't you. Maybe some people don't give you a six only because you ask for it.

I think this is an imaginative way to let us know the author, and not the character, rules the action in a book or images in a poem.

It is a good conspiratorial ending to a story.

Keep writing

dragonpoet


 Comment Written 16-Sep-2016


Comment by
Mark Valentine
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
No, your omniscience does not extenf to my mouse - it's just that this truly merits a six (and also a Story of the Month award). Truly one of the most creative pieces I've read on the site. Reminds me of the Magic Realism pieces that I read in college. I love that, not only does the writer enter the story, but he throws in a little sexual harrassment just to show 'em who's boss - laughed out loud at that part. Extremely clever and well-written.


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016


Comment by
Contests
 
 

Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for the recognition this post has received from the FanStory community. While this was not a Contest Committee decision, the committee recognizes this achievement with a seven star review.


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016


Comment by
Sankey
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  50
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  147
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
WOw! Definitely a Mikey strikey! What! Sadly no spags what's with you these days? Got a good spell checker or something? Fs's ain't no good fer shore. Good luck in the comp mate. Can't say how much longer i am staying.


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2016


Comment by
Dustybones
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I'll spare six for you MC. Great fun. I only wish I knew what the heck to write about! And 3rd OMNI...like WTH. So I goofed big time, wrote a story, had to spend more time editing it to 1st OMNI....But at least I think it is that.pov?..if not anything else. Grrrrr. Oh BTW your post was cool! ESPECIALLY cause u picked on Goria! LOL. Dustybones


 Comment Written 16-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
    Thanks a million, Boyd. I think I've got this down pretty well now. Believe me, this is about my fifth attempt. I had several "What the hell are you doing"s myself. HAHAHA! So, don't sweat it. Just keep posting and they'll help and it all sinks in. Well, I picked on Gloria's character. I'd never pick on Gloria, she's too wonderful. :)) Is she looking? mikey
Comment by
F. Wehr3
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Ahem, Mr. Cahill, this is precisely why I suggested a female character for you that could not a lesbian or bisexual, lol. Really fun read. I have a few minor and one structural suggestion. Consider the following.

His face took on a look of surprise mixed with pure hatred and he lurched forward spasmodically.--I've noted several of these type of examples. I probably missed a few. When you have two complete sentences (independent clauses), you need more than a conjunction for punctuation. A comma/ conjunction, a semi-colon, or a period. All of these can be easily fixed by putting a comma before the conjunction. F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so)

Her hands were steady and her voice was firm and authoritative.

All three ran into the short rail that lined the rooftop and it gave way. Francois grabbed a portion of the rail still attached to the roof and Michele grabbed on to his belt buckle holding on for dear life.-- for this paragraph you multiple actions by multiple characters, it can be jarring. On a technical level, when a different character performs an action, a separate paragraph is needed. My suggestion is to separate Edgar's action from this paragraph.

Take care,
Russell


 Comment Written 16-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 17-Aug-2016
    I thought you said she could. Well, you underestimated the allure of Gloria. JEESH!!!!!
    These are great tips, thank you. So actions are somewhat like dialogue.

    Francois grabbed a portion of the rail.

    Michele grabbed onto his belt buckle...

    Edgar held onto Michelle's foot....


    Separate the actions out. Makes sense even looking at my little example.

    I learned a lot the last two weeks or so. I've never written a thing in anything but first person. Wow. Almost a million words since I started three years ago. Time for a little variety. LOL mikey
Comment by
Gypsy Blue Rose
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  5
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  25
 

#5 Ranked Poet
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
LMAO

Seriously? This IS the BEST POV omniscient story EVER! You are a freaking genius. Then you go pretending you are a student. Ha! You can teach Russell a thing or two. LoL

So ... if you were god you would make Gloria say seriously nonstop and then two women would make out in front of you? Yup! That is a guy god for you. LoL

This story is hysterical, sweetie pie, what a great job you did. Bravo! It's the best one in our challenge.

POV made me give you a six, you can thank him.

Gypsy



 Comment Written 16-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
    I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
Comment by
LIJ Red
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Well, there's no lack of shifting realities here, nor conflict, nor gore.
And that ogre of writers, intruding on the prose, is forced to stand up and take a bow. Penthouse used to have some terrific girlgirl (Vanessa!) pictorials...excellent...


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
    I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
  -1-  2 3  Next Page 


Market your book.
Advertising options.
Behind a Tree
What happens behind a tree


Share or Bookmark
  Contact Us | En español | Advertise With Us

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy