That Wasn't What She Had In Mind
An unhappy toddler seeks a solution.
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Reviews from
Yes, Seriously!


3rd person omniscient-Potlatch challenge

  26 total reviews 
Comment by
Ric Myworld
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  Rank:  23
 
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You spent all that damn time trying to help us upstarts understand third person and now you have me spinning in circles. But you do it so well, of course, we might know you let the girls have all the fun. Thanks for another fine read. :-)


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
    Gotta give the girls their reign.I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
Comment by
Taffspride
 
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Oh Mikey I am absolutely howling at this, murder, horror, fantasy. You have it all there.

Just one little nit.

Or, will you continue to suppress your true desires just to fit in, and hang out with the cool kids.(?) needed here.

Thanks for sharing.

Iechyd da

Ann



 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
    Fixed it. I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
Comment by
2021 Novelist of the Year
Pantygynt
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I would be totally useless as a detective. Detective stories invariably confuse me and this more than most. If I wasn't confused and bemused by the end of the story, I had completely lost it by about half way through the epilogue. However another emotion had made an entrance onto the scene. I had also become amused. In fact the whole thing was a totally chaotic comedy take on the gangster genre. Ever thought of stiocking to poetry?


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
    I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
Comment by
ioana.u
 
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That felt like a huge waterfall of weird and funny action :) It just went on and on! Six stars, I wouldn't dare to give less! Omniscience rocks! :)
Ioana


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
    I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
Comment by
barkingdog
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I think everybody in Potlatch really enjoyed this final scene. Your's is terrific. I love the lady cop, Gloria, --seriously. haha.
You carried the scene off smoothly. Good pacing and the dialogue didn't interrupt the flow.

Suggestions:
-be careful not to over use the word 'as'. There are substitutions: while, when etc.
-Gloria retrieved her weapon and yelled(, "Freeze," while) firing a shot in the air.


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
    Oh.... I don't need "as", kind of like "that". Good tip. I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
Comment by
2017 Poet of the Year
Barb Hensongispsaca
Barb Henson
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wow you nailed it.
You kept the division between the players as they struggled on.
Nice to read.
I started mine, but i am not friendly with advanced editor and where i could have used bold or italics, i could not get it and single quotation marks made it confusing.
so i guess i just review this time.


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
     photo advanced editor1_zps6zs1z7fz.png

    All you have to worry about is the "B" and the "I".
    Highlight whatever you want bold and click the "B". OR, highlight whatever you want in italics and click the "I".

    That's all there is to it. Practice it at least. It's good to get acquainted with advanced editor, it's better. :))

    Glad you liked mine. Thank you.
    Remember, there's no rush. We'll always wait for Queen Barb. mikey

reply by Barb Hensongispsaca on 15-Aug-2016
    I will try, but this 66 year old mind is still of the idea Clint Eastwood is still trying to find me.

reply by the author on 15-Aug-2016
    I'll handle him, he's way over 70. In the real world he'll make MY day. LOL

reply by Barb Hensongispsaca on 15-Aug-2016
    I posted one just for you. I struggled with advanced editor till i wanted to scream, but it is a start. Maybe i should have written one about my confrontation with it.lol
Comment by
ciliverde
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Ha ha, there you go, a six! I just couldn't help myself, it was like this powerful force that I couldn't see was controlling my hand....!

Great job, funny, weird stuff, I love it!

Carol


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
    I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
Comment by
2018 Poet of the Year
Gloria ....
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Well Mav, I'd say you've captured the third person omniscient POV. I find it the most difficult perspective to write, with first person, present tense the easiest. Maybe Russell will spring that one on us next.

Seriously? That Gloria chick seems to be fixated on her bubble gum. I guess being a detective will do that to a person. HAHA.

Great job with this. You almost wrote an entire novel in record time.

Excellent offering to the prose potlatch.

Ange


 Comment Written 14-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
    Well, Ange, Gloria just digs the gum, I think it helps her with her rhythm and aim when shooting and looking cool doing so. I just started writing and then I kept writing. It all got to my brain a bit. Too much fun. I'm shocked it kind of worked. Thanks a million, you're the best help. Mav
Comment by
Pearl Edwards
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  Rank:  77
 
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Well mikey, I thought I'd read a couple of this week's Prose challenge to try to make some sense of it. Well hasn't that jst gone out the window or over the balcony with Edgar. Very funny especially the epilogue where you're wrestling with omniscient too. Great job,
cheers,
valda.


 Comment Written 14-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
    I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
Comment by
2018 Novelist of the Year.
2017 Short Works and 2017 Script Writer of the Year.
Thomas Bowling
 
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Suspenseful story with a funny ending. Love it. I love a story that has a humorous twist at the end. the bubble gum scene is too much. I'm picturing her in my mind. Nice job.


 Comment Written 14-Aug-2016



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2016
    I went a bit over the top with this. A fun challenge and a fun write. Thanks for a great review. Most appreciated. mikey
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