Two Steps
non-sense poem
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Reviews from
Benjamin Harding (Conclusion)


Jilly the MoonPie girl ( SOM 2nd place)

  35 total reviews 
Comment by
Sefiros
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  Rank:  91
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
An evil murderer meets up with evil folk. Who will kill whom first? This doesn't have the feel of an ending, which is good for a cliffhanger. I can't wait to see the three of them react when they realize their kindred spirits. Good job.


 Comment Written 17-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 18-Sep-2016
    Thank you for your review, Sefiros, and generous six stars.
    :) e
Comment by
JTStone
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Ellen

Well worth the time, I love the open ending...
It had a psychotic romance angle that was quite intriguing. The inclusion of the cannibalistic, female counterpart, character at the ending was ingenious. The last touch of confusion--or mystery, would be a better way of putting it, was a perfect way to end, for now, a story like this.
Thank you for suggesting this, It was a seriously fun read.

Jimmy


 Comment Written 17-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 17-Sep-2016
    Hi, Jimmy.
    I thought that Jilly and Galloway were perfect for each other. hee-hee.
    I like the way you said 'for now'. Exactly. There are many possibilities, but I was exhausted with so many characters. It was turning into a novel. Still could be, but you know the energy it takes to go there.
    I'm trying a love story now. New genre. Hope I don't get corny.

    :) e
Comment by
Writingfundimension
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Wow, as promised you had a slam-dunk of an ending, Ellen. I think that Jilly may have met her evil match in Galloway. Poor Billy, he just seems to be trapped in a horrible loop. Very well done, my friend.

Hugs, Bev


 Comment Written 15-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
    Hi, Bev.
    Thank you for your compliment--slam-dunk ending. Also, for your six stars.

    Hugs,
    :) ellen
Comment by
Brett Matthew West
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  Rank:  138
 

#5 Ranked Script Writer
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The lyrics need to somehow be credited because they are not original to you. Randy Travis sang these words Paul Overstreet and Don Schlitz co-wrote.

Seems like there is much more in store before this story will end.

Plenty of possible avenues for the storyline to travel in from this point.


 Comment Written 14-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
    I included the Utube video of Randy Travis singing the song.
    I'll add the the co-writers.

    Thank you for your review.

    :) ellen
Comment by
DonandVicki
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  Rank:  72
 
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A very interesting and imaginative ending to your story. You kept me engaged in the story all the way through. Looking forward to reading more of your work.


 Comment Written 13-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 13-Sep-2016
    I appreciate your review, Donald, and thank you for following the story to the end.

    :) e
Comment by
sandramitchell
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Sandra S-Mitchell
WEST END
 
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  Rank:  74
 

#4 Ranked Novelist
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I think you have to write more of this one, Ellen, we can't have Galloway running amok all over the country, that's if he lives that it. Sounds like the lift Ben/Galloway have found, might have their own ideas about his/their future. Very confusing, almost as bad as mine! lol. No, sorry, Ellen, you must write at least another couple of chapters. Let us know who kills who! Excellent story, my friend, very MORISH if you get my meaning! LOL. :) Sandra xxx


 Comment Written 13-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 13-Sep-2016
    Thank you so much, Sandra, for you generous six star review. You're so kind.

    Maybe, no one kills any one ... hahahahahaha

    :) ellen
Comment by
crybry67
 
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I thought this was very interesting. Well told , your characters and dialogue seemed natural and believable. I like the way you differentiate between Ben and Galloway. Wonderful job.


 Comment Written 13-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 13-Sep-2016
    Thank you very much for your review.

    :) ellen
Comment by
KyColonel Randal
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It has been an enjoyable trip. This is quite a strange twist here at the end. You have ended the story on a cliff hanger as well. Do you think there is something missing? The poison candy thing was really straightforward, but readers dismiss it as "oh, well he's a crazy serial killer." Then he survives what should be a fatal fall into the river with barely a struggle, then happens to run into another psychopath who looks to make him the victim? There are a lot of themes to run with here: Ben vs. the law, Ben vs. Galloway, Ben vs. Nature, Jill vs. Ben, etc., etc., but there really isn't a conflict chosen to build the plot around. The most obvious one would be Ben fighting to control Galloway before he causes even more damage. Ben fights to regain control of his mind/soul as he is fleeing from the law across the country? Does he run into other strange characters as he makes this journey and the fight between Ben and Galloway for control is ultimately won or lost? This story begs to be deeper and more involved. Thank you for sharing.


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    What you say would be a continuation of Ben's story. He has just begun to struggle with Galloway. So, I've written "Ben--The Beginning".(Ben looses his identity to Galloway)
    You've done what I'd hoped a reader would do. You took the story forward through it's possibilities.
    What you speak of is a new plot line--Ben trying to recover himself.
    As you project your ideas, you can see how this story could continue into something longer( deeper and more involved--your words.)

    Thank you so much for your review, Randal..

    :) e

Comment by
cterp
 
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Wait...The END End? No way. You can't leave two voices in one person unattended. You can't leave Aunt Ada with a missing nephew. You can't leave Louise worrying that she knows the candy was meant for her and unable to do anything about it. Loose ends!!

And then there is the technical issue:
You've gone back and forth on whether it's Haas or Hass, so you might want to do a sweep through. I've noticed it both ways, and kept meaning to mention it. Maybe you've fixed it by now.

chris





 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    It should be Haas.
    I'll check all the chapters when I do a complete run through.

    I left Ada as the only one who knows Ben is alive because of his missing clothes and guitar. She'll continue to protect Ben. (
    I'll add this to the post.)
    The community, which includes Louise, Detective Haas, and the Lipinskies, thinks he's dead and has moved on.
    No loose ends.

    A number of things could happen to Ben since Galloway has taken over now that they've met Jilly.
    I left the possibilities up to the reader.
    It had to halt somewhere or it would have gone on forever.
    I'm sorry if this disappoints you. I'd have had to go waaaay out of the current PG-13 rating to write what the readers can imagine. haha

    Thank you for your review.

    :) ellen

reply by cterp on 13-Sep-2016
    Well....OK. I see what you mean. As long as Ada is satisfied.
Comment by
TAB_that's me
 
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It looks like Ben/Galloway may have met their match with Jill and Jeb.

Well you ended it (if you end it) at a good spot, left to our imaginations.

Good job on this story!

teresa


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    Thank you, Teresa.
    It's going to be hard to leave these characters.

    :) ellen
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