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Reviews from
Benjamin Harding (Conclusion)


Jilly the MoonPie girl ( SOM 2nd place)

  35 total reviews 
Comment by
F. Wehr3
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  Rank:  25
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  Rank:  531
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Nice way to wrap up your story, creating another one, lol. I have enjoyed this series. Great work! I loved Jilly the moon-pie girl. Have we seen the last of these characters? I don't think so.

Take care,
Russell


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    Thank you so much for your golden review, Russell.
    Jilly popped out of nowhere and is suddenly very popular. lol Several, like you, have nicknamed her the moon-pie girl.

    I'm always sad leaving any of my characters. My mind churns wondering what to do.

    :) e

Comment by
dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Keep right on
writing on
 
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  Rank:  46
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  Rank:  51
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  Rank:  28
 
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Something tells me we have a serial killer here. This story could go on and on. A good ending to this and leaves it open for more should you choose to write it~Debbie


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    Thank you, Debbie.
    I'm happy that you see the story could go on and on.
    I had to end it somewhere. Leaving Galloway and Jilly to deal with each other via the reader's imagination seemed like a good choice.

    :) ellen
Comment by
jpduck
 
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I have thoroughly enjoyed this story, and I like the 'for now' bit at the end. I'm sure it will be just as well if Ben continues to ignore his medication.

I wouldn't know a Moon Pie if it fell in my soup -- I guess we don't have them over here. I looked them up online; they sound disgusting. :-))

'Now, what Ben-boy?' (I think the comma should be after 'what', rather than 'now').


Adrian


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    MoonPie cookies ARE disgusting. haha But so is Jilly ...
    Thank you for your review and I'm sure your vivid imagination has carried the story forward.
    What I wouldn't give to know the many continuations. lol

    :) ellen
Comment by
giraffmang
Level 2 Pro
2018 2nd for short works
2017 Author of the year
 
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  Rank:  140
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  Rank:  14
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  Rank:  8
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  Rank:  106
 

#8 Ranked Novelist
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Hi E,

Excellent piece here, but this surely isn't the end of the story, too many loose ends! LOL

hoping to find Ben's body, Even without it, - full stop rather than a comma after body.

"We'll, see. - you may not need the comma there.

Totally unaware of who he was taking home,.Simms beat time - delete the full stop from here.

All the best
G


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    Thank you, G, for your review.
    This story could go on forever. I thought it best to halt it here.
    :) e
Comment by
Ulla
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  Rank:  38
 

#1 Ranked Novelist!
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Hi Ellen, wow this has an ending with a twist. Now, who is going to murder who first. Figure that he should end up with what appears to be serial killers. I'm glad you're saying it's the ending for now, because I think there's much more to this. I hope you will continue it. All the best. Ulla:)))


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    I appreciate your encouraging review, Ulla.
    Thank you for following Ben's, now Galloway's, story.

    :) e
Comment by
Ideasaregems-Dawn
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  Rank:  92
 

#1 Ranked Author!
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Cheater. I feel cheated. No, I am not kidding, Ellen - I want a book. (LOL) This was a great ending, though I really do think it could have gone on, and I'm not at all convinced that Ben would have been determined as drowned without a body...


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    Thank you, Dawn.
    I'm totally exhausted and should rest not that this is finished.
    I'm afraid that I'm risking my health.

    :) e

reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 12-Sep-2016
    Ohhhh, no, don't do that! Sometimes we simply have to be as stern with ourselves as we would be with a loved one and just FORCE ourselves to take a break!
Comment by
Jay Squires
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I can see why you said, "The End (For now). This has some more story left, doesn't it? Doesn't Ben need to clear himself of the alleged murder. Doesn't he have be on an evener keel with Galloway?

A few things you've already taken care of, no doubt.

jumped in the back of the herse-turned-ambulance [... hearse-turned-ambulance]

a tootbrush and other essentials [Misspell TOOTHBRUSH]

I got plenty of work for a boy like you?" [Don't think you want this as a question.]

Once out of hear-shot from Ben, [I've never heard of "hear-shot", but I have "ear-shot".

It's been a fun ride, but I want more!




 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    Your thoughts about what should happen next are what I hoped a reader would do--continue the story in his mind.
    Thank you for all of your help editing through out this story, Jay.

    :) e

reply by Jay Squires on 12-Sep-2016
    My pleasure, Ellen. And it was indeed that.
Comment by
mfowler
 
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So, Galloway, the seductor, murderer and all round wild child has completely displaced poor shy Benjamin except for when it suits him.

I should have expected something unexpected. You're not the author to tie neat pink bows around your endings. But, what we could never have predicted was that this lil sweet thang of a gal pal and her hokum papa are serial killers.

Loved the country vernacular. No idea what specific region it's from, but it sounded just like the 'Beverly Hillbillies' on speed to me and that fits the whole scenario really well.

Oh, what a tangled web of deceit is building here. And I know you'll definitely segue this into a deeply disturbing mini-series in time to come. LOL

I am reading your work at the moment with that 'descriptive' bug in my head. I'm doing the same with my own work. I thought your romance story had wonderful layers that really enhanced mood and tone. I noticed one piece in this that clashed for me:
It thundered outside when they took their seats for the eulogy. Clouds blocked the sun's rays from the stained-glass windows, adding to the grief stricken, tearful atmosphere. ... I thought you 'told' this rather than 'showed'. It's all in the use of an odd phrase, clause or word. May I suggest:
It thundered outside (as) they took their seats for the eulogy. Inside mourners cried in muted light as clouds blocked the sun's rays from the stained-glass windows. (Now the emphasis is on what the mourners are doing and what's going on around them. The atmosphere is implied, yet discreetly connected to mood.)

I really enjoyed this story as it had wonderfully diverse and devious characters while always giving hope of a happy ending. And yet it took on a life of its own and refused to be mundane or predictable.


 Comment Written 12-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    I never learned how to turn the phrases around like you've shown me. Thank you so much, Mark.
    I so want to be able to do this naturally as you do.
    With more examples, I hope to learn.

    Thank you for your review.

    :) ellen xx

reply by mfowler on 12-Sep-2016
    But, you do it regularly. I hope you don't mind me mentioning it so often but I reckon when you get it right, it enhances teh writing immensely. It's helping me to ponder such things as well as it's become second nature, without necessarily being effective in all situations. That's what I like about FS. When authors talk about stuff like shaky metre, off rhymes, fluid phrasing and showing/telling etc, there is just so much to learn about the craft.
Comment by
write hand blue
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  Rank:  602
 
Exceptional
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Well Ellen, you have certainly turned the tables here. Who is the bad guy now?
Jill sounds suspicious. She says to her dad, "Can I have him?" he answers, "You ain't done with the other one yet." Ominous, the plot thickens.

You start off well with good mood/atmosphere establishing grey descriptions of the funeral service. The tension continues as Ben goes on the run. Then the great closing sequence set in the truck.

Then we get to, The End (for now). The end for who? LOL You have got to write a sequel to this. We the readers will be forever more wondering what comes next...

I've given you a well deserved six stars for this. If they change let me know. My last review showed one star instead of five?

~Mel~ xx


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    Thank you, Mel, for your supportive comment and six stars.(They did come through.)
    If I continued this, it could go on forever, so I left this ending where the reader could use his/her imagination.
    There are many possibilities ...

    :) ellen

reply by write hand blue on 12-Sep-2016
    You have a fairly unusual story line there Ellen. I would read more...

    ~Mel~
Comment by
MelB
 
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So, Ben did survive and on to the next target. I thought I did recognize the lyrics as a Randy Travis song. Too bad Aunt Ada has to think he's dead.


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    Thank you, MelB.
    It's for the best that they left Aunt Ada. Galloway said he'd kill her if she asked about the med again.
    She knows he's alive because he took his pillowcase packed with clothes and essentials, and his guitar.

    :) ellen
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