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Reviews from
Benjamin Harding (Conclusion)


Jilly the MoonPie girl ( SOM 2nd place)

  35 total reviews 
Comment by
Mary Wakeford
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Review Stars
  Rank:  611
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Hi Ellen, this is written so well and I love the presentation you have used in the font change. I may have to consider that for Brunhilda ;)

Your writing is crisp and the transition between scenes and characters is fluid and well transitioned.



 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    The font change worked exceedingly well. I could avoid speech tags.
    Thank you so much for your generous six star review and supportive words.

    Have a wonderful week,
    :) ellen
Comment by
Heidi M
 
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Excellent
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Great way to end your story...leave it open for more! Clever to have him meet up with someone who may pose a challenge.
Couple little spags: hearse (not herse);its (not it's) stubble
I enjoyed reading this.


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
    Thank you, Heidi. I'm glad you like the ending. Jilly and Galloway leave a lot to the imagination. lol

    :) e
Comment by
djsaxon
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  Rank:  121
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  Rank:  224
 
Excellent
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Could this get any darker? :-) "I like him, Jeb. Can I have him?"
Simms kissed her forehead. "We'll, see. You ain't done with the other one yet." From this moment on, I was on the edge of my seat.

"I told Sis(, that) that science geek was weird."

Couple of spellers - herse (hearse) tootbrush (toothbrush)

Please don't leave the story here - ouch!

Cheers - DJ


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
    I could never post what these two would do. I don't even know if I could bring myself to write it.
    So, it's left up to the reader's imagination to take Jilly and Galloway forward.
    Thank you for your review, DJ.

    I have a plan as to how this story could move forward, but don't see how it could ever be posted on such a conservative site as FS.
    I know, because I went to the dark side years ago and the reaction was not one of acceptance. lol

reply by djsaxon on 11-Sep-2016
    Hi e:-) I hear ya. Probably best left alone. During my first stint with FS I was posting nasty stuff about serial killers and abuse (along with the sonnets and the harmless dum de dums. The corn-fed, God fearing mamas descended upon me as one. You best write something fluffy I guess LOL. Cheers - DJ

reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
    It has to remain PG. haha
    It does limit our range. Those that dare go beyond, eventually leave the site. I enjoy them while they are here though.

reply by djsaxon on 12-Sep-2016
    OK, Ms PG I am obliged to "dips me lid". DJ
Comment by
robyn corum
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  Rank:  21 (+1)
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  Rank:  16
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  Rank:  45
 
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Well, I'm not sure, but it seems like they might BOTH be getting what they deserve -- the girl AND our bad guys. I'm not sure that Jill has it all together in the right places, either. This could be fun.....

Thanks!


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
    Thank you for your review on the conclusion, robyn.

    :) ellen
Comment by
barbara.wilkey
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  Rank:  5
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 Rank:  55
 
barbara.wilkey Recommends:
St. Louis Chapter 25 part 1
Logan and McKenzie work out a plan.
Pays:10 points
10 member cents

 

#5 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
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I happen to love Galloway's song. LOL I am shocked at the ending. I guess they deserve each other. You have a good story on your hands and it could go on for a long time. Serial killers do that.


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
    Isn't that a great song?
    It's in my head all the time.
    Thank you for your review. I finally made it to the end. haha

    :) e
Comment by
Douglas Paul
 
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Great ending, Ellen. Sounds like Galloway might have met his match LOL. You also did a good job of leaving the door open to continue if you decide you want to. I have enjoyed this story, my friend.


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
    Thank you, DP, for your generous six star review. I'm very pleased that you liked the conclusion. Galloway and Jilly make quite a pair. lol
    I'm glad you see the possibilities.

    :) ellen
Comment by
2016 and 2018 Script Write Of The Year
judiverse
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  Rank:  31
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  Rank:  6
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  Rank:  1
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  Rank:  53
 

#6 Ranked Author

#1 Ranked Script Writer!
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Loved the ending for this. Louise can be glad that Ben isn't around any more. Dead or not, he's away from her. Glad that Ada survived, although the shock about Ben's missing things put her in the hospital. It will certainly serve Ben/Galloway if he meets his match and maybe his maker in Miss Moon Pie. She is Looney Toons, and it seems like her grandfather is on her operations when he tells her she's not done with the last one yet. It sounds like she's had a string of guys, going through them faster than Moon Pies. I can't imagine what will happen when it's Jilly versus Ben/Galloway. Great story. judi


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
    I love that you refer to Jilly as Miss Moon Pie. Looney Toons pretty much pegs her. We don't how hitch hikers she's gone through.
    Jilly vs Galloway. Lots to imagine with this match.

    Thank you for your generous six stars, Judi.

    :) ellen xx

reply by judiverse on 12-Sep-2016
    Your welcome. Sounds like Grandpa is getting his jollies out of it, too. judi
Comment by
2014 Novelist and 2016 Short Works Writer Of The Year
Phyllis Stewart
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This was very entertaining. Can't wait for the next part. Seems that Galloway may have met his match in Jilly. :) SHe isn't finished with the one she has yet. FOreboding!


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
    Thank you, Phyllis, for your review.
    This was the conclusion.
    :) ellen

reply by Phyllis Stewart on 11-Sep-2016
    The end???? But JIlly is crazy and will torture him. I wanted to see that. BUmmer.

reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
    I wouldn't write torture. You have to imagine it. A reader's imagination can go places a writer can never take him.
    I trust the reader.

reply by Phyllis Stewart on 11-Sep-2016
    Good point! :)
Comment by
2016 Novelist Of The Year
Jacqueline M Franklin
 
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Excellent
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Hi, Ellen

= This was a good story.
= Nice end point, leaving it finished, or written so you can pick up.
= Looks as if Ben slid to the background as Galloway took over.

<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings <> Jax
<> Published as <> Jacqueline M Franklin


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
    Yes, Galloway took over.
    Thank you for your review, Jax.

    :) ellen
Comment by
2017 Poet of the Year
Barb Hensongispsaca
Barb Henson
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Poet Rating
  Rank:  8
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  Rank:  35
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Review Stars
  Rank:  44
 

#8 Ranked Poet
Excellent
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Oh wow I am so glad I followed this one, the last part was the best. It's not who does he think he is taking home but who he is going home with.
Wow I loved the names, really made it real


 Comment Written 11-Sep-2016



reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
    Thank you for your review, Barb.
    :) ellen
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