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Reviews from
A Mortician's Circus Macabre


A dream inspired poem...

  91 total reviews 
Comment by
Rasmine
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hello, Dean

I'm reading this because all I need is one cent to make it to 50 member cents. Not that I don't like your poetry, but I do need the cents to promote--like you told me before. I don't blame you for not wasting time in reading mine when I don't promote. Some things I just don't because of all the time reading and reviewing, lordy--takes a bit hunk of the day.

I liked these lines the best:
the life you lead may seem like bliss until you taste the Devil's kiss.

Hope you did good in the contest.


 Comment Written 27-Apr-2017



reply by the author on 27-Apr-2017
    I believe I came in second place, Rasmine.
    I can't remember for sure.
    It's not that I don't read your work because you don't promote. It is more because with well over five hundred fans, I have to be selective.
    It takes me almost an entire day to read what's in my inbox, every single day.
    Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I'm honored to have that many fans, including you.
    There are just so many hours in a day however, and I am already up from nearly dusk till dawn trying to catch up.
    Thanks for digging this up out of the FanStory graveyard and giving it a go.
    I appreciate it.
     photo signature_1_zps6fqrp69x.gif

reply by Rasmine on 27-Apr-2017
    Okay. 500 wow! Power to you--now go publish and become popular (and don't forget us here :P)

reply by Rasmine on 27-Apr-2017
    Dusk till dawn? (Vampire hours)

reply by the author on 27-Apr-2017
    I'm trying, believe me. LOL... :)
Comment by
jaybird1
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  21 (+2)
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Poe could take advice from you, for in this poem you have outdone him.It is hard to
come up with a comment in keeping with the quality of your poetry.This is remarkable
in pictorial art and poetic musings.A real chiller-diller of exceptional quality


 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016


Comment by
AnnaLinda
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Dean,

I see you are very generous to offer your inspiration via Jimi.
Oh wow...I read this one out loud. You are so incredibly talented.
Your internal rhyme and perfect rhythm are really...well, impressive.

I don't like scary stuff, but this is actually very spiritual. You've
got a really strong warning in this.

Masterfully composed and congratulations on your poem of the
month entry. If I had an extra star...I would surely offer it to you.

Linda


 Comment Written 07-Oct-2016



reply by the author on 08-Oct-2016
    While they are always nice to receive, and I deeply appreciate each six I am fortunate enough to get, no sixes are ever necessary just as long as you enjoyed the read, Linda.Shucks, I am usually out of them by Wednesday at the very latest. There's simply so many talented writers on FanStory that I find it is difficult to hold onto them for much longer.
    I sincerely appreciate taking the time to read and review this.
    Take care.
     photo e1b46054-d388-4feb-bad0-eccc04e786e8_zpseg0soygx.png
Comment by
rockinm76233
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Well, it certainly describes all kinds of ghostly beings with fluid flow of poetry. I also enjoyed the lesson taught about don't steal because it will come back to you.
Good job.


 Comment Written 07-Oct-2016



reply by the author on 07-Oct-2016
    Thank you for taking the time to read the poem, rockinm. I did my best conveying Jimi's dream in my poem, with a bit of embellishment, of course.
    Ironic it should come in second to her since she was the inspiration for my own entry.
    I suppose poetry works in mysterious ways too.
    Enjoy your weekend.
     photo coollogo_com-269945619_zps5lkazp3s.gif photo xwritersblock1_zpsfzhxogzs.gif

reply by rockinm76233 on 07-Oct-2016
    Your welcome
Comment by
Maria Jose Garcia
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Being a mortician must be quite awful...
And Jimi's dream must have been awful too...
I like the mixture of horror and humour in your poem.
The story you tell is very interesting. The narrator shouldn't have stolen that ring...
(I'd give you a sixer, but don't have any left.)


 Comment Written 07-Oct-2016



reply by the author on 07-Oct-2016
    Thank you very much, Maria. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on this poem.
    I realize it's rather long.
    Sure, sixes are a wonderful thing to receive, but they are never my primary goal when I set out to write a poem or story. It's often thoughts or emotions I feel I simply need to get down in a tangible form to clear my head of them. In this case, it was a dream conveyed to me by this months Poem of the Month winner, jlsavell (Jimi), whose poem finished just above mine in the voting for the contest.
    Having said that, never feel as if you need to apologize for not having any remaining. They only allow us six of them to award, after all. I generally am out of them by Tuesday.(LOL).
    There's simply so many exceptionally talented poets and authors here at FanStory it's difficult not to be.
    The main thing is that you enjoyed what you read.
    That alone fills me with a great sense of accomplishment.
    Enjoy your weekend, and thanks again.
     photo coollogo_com-159205463_zps6mmyvsb2.png
Comment by
johnwilson
Level 1 Pro
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Oh, Magoo...I read about your flagrant demise just after I had given up my last six!
This is incredible, King Kuch, in its modern day version of Poe. It is one of the most tantalizingly scary treats I've read in awhile with some humor added for good measure.


 Comment Written 06-Oct-2016



reply by the author on 06-Oct-2016
    Thank you very much, JW. I am grateful to you for taking the time to read and comment on this poem.
    I realize it was rather lengthy.
    While sixes are a wonderful thing to receive, they aren't my primary goal when I set out to write a poem or story. It's often thoughts or emotions I feel I simply need to get down in a tangible form to clear my head of them. In this case, it was a dream conveyed to me by this months Poem of the Month winner, jlsavell (Jimi), whose poem finished just above mine in the voting for the contest.
    Having said that, never feel as if you need to apologize for not having any remaining. They only allow us six of them to award, after all. I generally am out of them by Tuesday. There's simply so many exceptionally talented poets and authors here at FanStory it's difficult not to be.
    The main thing is that you enjoyed what you read.
    That alone fills me with a great sense of accomplishment.
    ~Dean
Comment by
c_lucas
 
Review Stars
  
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
here = (her) Par excellence as usual. I enjoyed your well written poem, Dean. It has very good imagery and descriptive scheme. A very good job of writing.


 Comment Written 05-Oct-2016



reply by the author on 05-Oct-2016
    Thanks very much for taking the time to read this, Charlie.
    Much obliged.~Dean
Comment by
Ricky1024
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  183
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  77 (+2)
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  12
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  13
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
"And within the Grasp I screamed at last and awoke to see...
A Nightmare created...
"Just for me....
Boney Fingers so descrete tugged and pulled upon my feet!"
"And suddenly the 'Just Pretend' became a nighmate that...
"Never ends...
"The Loss of a child Dean is a parents worst...
"Nightmare..
Jason Richard Smrkovsky
November 5, 1984 ‚?©¬£¬•
March31, 2003.
Organ donated April1, 2003...
"To learn more about 'Organ-Tissue Donations' "Simply call my dear friend Lara S.Moretti the L.S.W. with...
'The Gift of Life.'
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania."
1- 800- DONORS- 1.
Ricky1024.


 Comment Written 05-Oct-2016



reply by the author on 05-Oct-2016
    I could not imagine a life without any one of my five children being a part of it, Ricky.
    I can only imagine what you've had to go through.
    I wrote this about what I saw the day I had a hear attack and lat dead for nearly four minutes as paramedics struggled to resuscitate me.
    It's an experience I will not forget as long as I live and breathe.
    Thank you for taking the time to read and review this, Ricky.
    Your thoughts are always appreciated.
     photo coollogo_com-106463047_zps1x3xkaxh.gif

reply by Ricky1024 on 05-Oct-2016
    Survived two Heart Attacks (One I caused with a steak kbife, two motorcycle accidents...
    Totaled Lincoln MKX..
    Three times hit while riding bikes...
    Heart Attack, Brain Damaged🦄

reply by Ricky1024 on 05-Oct-2016
    Stay tuned, Satan isn't done yet and I could give a....
    Ricky1924.

reply by the author on 05-Oct-2016
    I was fortunate. I suffered no brain damage (although many might disagree with me on that point).
    ~Dean

reply by the author on 05-Oct-2016
    Satan is NEVER through with us, Ricky. There is a constant battle waging between the forces of evil against the powers of light for our souls.
    That's why it is important to know your adversary so that you can better defeat him.
    ~Dean
Comment by
rama devi
May All Beings Be Happy
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  63 (+3)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  140
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
What a treat to read your well penned and finely timed and rhyme poem today, Dean. Though horror is not my genre, I love reading you because of your keen sense of the musical of words, your visual finesse in presentation and your amazing knack for storytelling as well as for inventive rhyming and well-timed internal rhyme, like this eloquent line:

Mortician's work is lonely, true--yet sometimes specters walk with you.


Some spag suggestions for your consideration:

Aroused from blissful, bonny sleep(,) my bones were chilled,(;) the door had creaked
which(THAT instead of which) led down to the morgue below within this house of death and woe.

*
Reluctantly, from bed I rose--grabbed quick my shoes, threw on some clothes,

Either use two commas or two dashes around the clause "grabbed quick my shoes". I think comma works best:

Reluctantly, from bed I rose, grabbed quick my shoes, threw on some clothes,


*
I swear I saw Mrs. Lilly wink, whilst Mr. Grooms yawned once, then blinked.

Read aloud, I hear Mrs. as two syllables MISSUS. Maybe make it MISS Lilly?

I swear I saw Miss Lilly wink, whilst Mr. Grooms yawned once, then blinked.

Superb alliteration and consonance of M:

Inside the morgue, a morose moon provided light amidst the gloom.

*
Yet something held my feet in check, I dared not move, nary a speck.

scansion slightly forced on nary

*
Of all the times the phone should ring(,) I fear it did that very thing,
where, on the line, dear g(G)randma's voice gave me no comfort, no rejoice.
"You're dead," I said, "how can you call?" Yet, what she said explained it all.
"Remember Mrs. Glickman, dear,(.)" My heart throbbed now, I felt such fear,

"w(W)hose wedding band you stole from here? She wants it back, she's very near.


*
It held me spell-bound in its glance, I could not break its horrid trance.

SPELLBOUND - ONE WORD


*superb alliteration of H here--note one spag suggestion:

I ran as if the hounds of hell were on my heels,(;) my fear soon swelled.

Superb internal slant rhyme:
For there before me, Mrs. Glickman, dead eyes stared, my soul was stricken;


*guess you're counting vile as two syllables here?-
Her gaping maw gushed vile spue, now there was nothing I could do

*
upon my cheek, her kiss of death,(;) my spirit left me cold, bereft.


*
If I've learned anything, it's this;(:) if I don't tell, I'd be remiss,
the life you lead may seem like bliss until you taste the Devil's kiss.

This leans toward a six but those punctuation choices prompt me not to give one; however, I don't have one anyway! :)

Enjoyed your clever story, great POV/characterization and outstanding rhyming.

Congrats on nomination in POM. I am sure voters won't even think about punctuation...


Warmly, rd


 Comment Written 05-Oct-2016



reply by the author on 05-Oct-2016
    Well, I certainly DO care about the punctuation, dear rama. Win or lose, I want it to be right above all else.
    Having said that, I've corrected all the things you've mentioned and pointed out, and I very much appreciate you doing so.
    Thanks again for the very helpful and detailed review.
    Constructive critique when done for the right reasons, as you do, is always very much appreciated and welcome.
    All my best, dear friend.
    ~Dean :}

reply by rama devi on 05-Oct-2016
    Aw, thanks for your gracious response, dear Dean. I'm so glad you're receptive and I appreciate your appreciation too! :-)))

    Love,
    rd

reply by the author on 05-Oct-2016
    I'm going to self publish all of my work soon, rama.
    Having said that, I know that it must be right.
    Also, I am here to learn, and I am far, FAR from being above reproach.
    Thanks again. :)

reply by rama devi on 05-Oct-2016
    Great news you'll publish, dear Dean. Let me know if you want to hire an editor prior to final printing...I'd give you a huge discount, if you need one. :)
    (ramadevinina@yahoo.com)

reply by the author on 05-Oct-2016
    Oh, that would be great, rama, thank you!
    I will certainly let you know.
    ~Dean  photo xwritersblock1_zpsfzhxogzs.gif

reply by rama devi on 05-Oct-2016
    :-))))))
Comment by
I am Cat
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Wow! And double Wow! What a dream! Yikes! I think I"d be shaking myself, or get one of those vibrating beds if I had dreams like this one! lol
Just to wake myself up (or soothe myself) lol hehehehe
VERY well done, all lines flowed super fluid...
(except these two, for me):

Inside the morgue, a morose moon provided light amidst the gloom.
( I found undue stress on the first syllable of morose, whereas I think it should go on the second syllable. Upon reading it multiple times, though, I'm not sure it bothers me... sort of makes me slow down, and I think I liked that.....?)

Don't take things that don't belong to you, for it will all come back on you.
(I had a little bit of a rough time with this one... I know you want/need that internal rhyme, so at the moment I"m not sure how to get more fluidity out of this, but for me, it needs more multiple syllables? perhaps? (not that it hasn't done well... no one really tears a poem apart anymore, do they?) But I thought I'd weigh in. lol

I loved this, it really has a wonderful story to it, and had me on the edge of my couch. (sir clyde didn't like that, it made me uncomfortable) lol
;)
He sleeps on my legs as I type. lol

Great job and great luck in the contest, congrats on yet another nomination. Well done!
I have a dream you should write about, by the way.... I STILL remember it to this day... I think it has great significance... perhaps it's meant for me to write about it... oh well. lol

Hugs and good luck!
Cat


 Comment Written 04-Oct-2016



reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
    Jimi sent me a dream she'd had (of course I embellished a little), so this is the story I came up with.
    As for those lines you mentioned, I'll look into them once the contest is over. It wouldn't be fair to change them now that it's already underway.
    If you've got a dream of your own you'd like me to hear, please, send it my way by all means.
    Thank you for your detailed review, Cat.
    Take care,
    ~Dean

reply by I am Cat on 04-Oct-2016
    When I had the dream, Dean, I wrote it down... I'll go looking for the notes I took. It was years ago, but I still have them. I don't want to get it wrong. I was quite fascinating. ;)

reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
    I'll be looking forward to it, Cat.
    ~Dean :)

reply by I am Cat on 04-Oct-2016
    I sent you an email with the document from April 8, 2011 attached. ;)
    (I hope you understand it. It hasn't been modified at all)

reply by the author on 04-Oct-2016
    Thanks.
    I'll do my best. :]
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