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Reviews from
The Meeting


Two women become bound together in their love for a child.

  5 total reviews 
Comment by
giraffmang
Level 4 Pro
2018 2nd for short works
2017 Author of the year
 
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  Rank:  21
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  Rank:  171
 
Excellent
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Hi there,

A very good piece here. One of the best I've read for this tired old prompt any time round.

She glanced around again, wondering if Kristen had been delayed, or if she had arrived early and left, or if this whole thing- Kristen's terse phone call the night before, the instructions to meet her- had merely been a trick, yet another in a long line of Kristen's petty attempts to get to her, to drive a wedge between her and Paul. - this is quite a ling-winded sentence and could do perhaps with being broken up somewhat. You have a tendency to do this. If the sentence is too long sometimes the reader can get lost in it. The end of the fifth paragraph is another example of this.

Michelle looked at her former employer- Andy's mother, Paul's ex-wife - this is a little repetitive and not really needing to be reiterated.

formidably, intimidatingly beautiful - be careful of over using adverbs, especially close together.

now those eyes looked dull and tired / Kristen repeated, leveling her clear gray gaze at Michelle - the descriptions here don't add up.

This was the woman who had stood between her and the child she loved as her own. -don't know if this is your intention but this makes Michelle sound very cold-hearted and very self-centred.

The idea of having to deliver this horrible news to Andy, of how it would destroy his gentle little spirit, almost reduced Michelle to sobs. - she had already been crying.

All the best
GMG


 Comment Written 04-Nov-2016



reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
    Thank you for the useful critique. Too often, reviewers only say what they like (and in very general terms, too). But my whole purpose here is to become a better writer, and in that regard, critique is far more valuable than compliments. I agree with you about my over-long and confusing sentences. Thank you for being so frank. It's refreshing.
Comment by
2014 Novelist and 2016 Short Works Writer Of The Year
Phyllis Stewart
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Wow! Scribbled in an hour! Wish I could scribble a first draft this good. It's not at all surprising you won the contest. Good stuff. :)


 Comment Written 04-Nov-2016


Comment by
djsaxon
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  Rank:  246 (+2)
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  Rank:  378
 
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A beautiful and moving write. Well deserved of the contest win. Although you are dealing with an emotionally charged topic it never becomes maudlin. The dynamic between the two women is terrific. Cheers - DJ


 Comment Written 03-Nov-2016


Comment by
2018 Novelist of the Year.
2017 Short Works and 2017 Script Writer of the Year.
Thomas Bowling
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Excellent
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A tender moving story told with pathos. Your style is excellent. You're certainly a good story teller. You use just the right amount of dialogue.


 Comment Written 29-Oct-2016


Comment by
Heidi M
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Amazing response to the prompt and well-written. Story line and characters were well developed, especially for being done in an hour!
Two suggestions for you to consider:
formidably, intimidatingly beautiful - I have been told not to use too many adverbs and to never use two in a row. How about 'formidable and intimidating in her beauty'?
Kristen squeezes Michelle's hand tightly. She sounds too weak to be able to squeeze tightly. Maybe 'squeezed as tightly as her failing strength allowed'?
Really nice entry for this contest.


 Comment Written 29-Oct-2016


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