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Reviews from
Simon Brewster (Part 3)


Ms Flaherty, doughnuts, and Salamander

  26 total reviews 
Comment by
Douglas Paul
 
Review Stars
 
 
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Giovanna seems like a very bad dude. You did a good job of defining his character with his conversation and comments. I am enjoying this story so far, my friend.


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 09-Dec-2016
    Thank you, Douglas.
    :) e
Comment by
robina1978
 
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Nice photo that complements your third chapter perfectly. Simon has his client in for a divorce case, who is armed. When his secretary comes in he asks her to take his dictation. She does and then he sends her on vacation. He runs as well, and will get his family over later.


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 09-Dec-2016
    Thank you, Ina.
    :) e
Comment by
Mastery
Published Author
Semper Fi
 
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  Rank:  139
 
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Hi, Ellen. How have you been lately? I don't see wuite so much posting as I used to from you. Is everyting okay?

So, you have taken up detective/lawyer or thriller genre? Good for you. It is qwuite a step unless you read a lot of this genre it will prove difficult like anything else.

You do have some wonderful iagery throughourt, like: "Thanks, Brewster. Now, you ain't gonna tell nobody about what I just told ya. Are ya, pal?" He laughed, slapping me hard on the back as if it was all just one big joke--none of it true. But I wasn't buying the not true part. Above his condescending smile, his eyes transmitted a promissory threat."

And: "
"Mother knows best." I looked up from the safe where I twisted the dials. With my nerves on edge, I couldn't seem to get the numbers right.


From what I have read so far it is what I would call a "predictable" storyline, however it can be enhanced to make it completely different. Giovanni for instance is not really unique. Typical gangster type...nothing different about him.

Suggestions: This is not a very good similie, Ellen. Sorry.: ". His tongue fondled his lips."

I would slow everything down were I you. Everything seems to be happening a bit too fast. take time for details....lots of them. I know some consider them irrelevant, but believe me they help put the reader right there in the scene.

Good mluck with this. I'm sure it will be a good story when all is said and done. Do you intend for it to be a 26 to 32 chapter novel? If not things are hard to do right in these detective or lawyer/ thriller books if you don't space it out properly.

Bless you, Ellen. Bob


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
    I changed that to 'slowly traced'. I didn't like it either haha
    I'm fine. Just slowing down. I do every year. After Christmas, I usually take several months to just read and review while I get my energy back.
    This story will probably continue into next year since I'm only posting once a week.
    Thank you for your tips. I wasn't planning on writing a book, but who knows how long this could turn into since I need to add more details to take give the reader clues.
    I'm new at this, so I may botch it up big time. haha

    The family situation is still a mess, but I'm trying to hold my own. You've been a wonderful friend for listening and offering advice.

    Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Joy Forever,
    :) e

reply by Mastery on 06-Dec-2016
    XXX You are a sweetheart, Ellen and you are loved by many in this world. Merry Christmas, Bob
Comment by
JTStone
Premier Author
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Author Rating For Short Works
 
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Hey Girl:
I love your characters, you have this nice tendency to develop your players quickly with very strong traits. It makes the story read so much more vivid.
The sudden sense of urgency at the end ties the story back to the first part nicely.
I was wondering which direction you were going when you wrote that one. I love where you are taking it.
Very good use of props, the scotch at nine in the morning was a beautifully placed subtlety to the nervous nature of the formerly stout character you portrayed Brewster to be in the second segment.
This is a very cleverly entwined and entertaining piece you have dreamed up.
Jimmy


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 09-Dec-2016
    Thank you so much, Jimmy, for your generous six star review.
    I'm running out of steam and this looks like it wants to be a long one. Oh, my ...

    Love,
    :) ellen
Comment by
bookishfabler
 
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I'm glad to see more of your story. I found a few nits to look at.

It was as if Jen knew I was having a rough time. "Yes, sir.
(next line.)
As if he was the only presence in the room, Giovanni stood.
(As is twice. You probably didn't notice)

like an anxious bull in (a)rut,

he gripped his belt, hiking (hiked) up

Hope you had a nice weekend. Thank you for sharing
hugs HEidi


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 09-Dec-2016
    Thank you so much, Heidi. I appreciate your catching the nits.
    :) e
Comment by
c_lucas
 
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Some men love to live in slime. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read. There is good imagery. A great job of writing.


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 09-Dec-2016
    Thank you, Charlie.
    :) e
Comment by
2019 Short Works Writer of the Year
Ideasaregems-Dawn
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  Rank:  47
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  Rank:  91
 
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Well, I'm glad you ended this like you did because I was seriously questioning the authenticity of the plot, in all honesty. What lawyer would allow his assistant or secretary to be so blatantly sexually harassed?

There's no question that's it's exceptional writing, the characters rich, the dialogue (and dialect) marvelous, and so on, but do I believe it? No. sorry. It's behavior by your Giovanni that's way over the top, IMHO - it went on too long. Even a mousy lawyer would have stopped it.


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
    I added that Giovanni had a gun and Brewster needed the money so was willing to take the insults. He also gave Jen a week's paid vacation to make up for the way Giovanni insulted her.
    I hope that makes it more believable.
    Thank you for the excellent input!

    :) e

reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 06-Dec-2016
    YES! Now that makes a difference. I'll give it another read. But would he not call the cops? Gun or no gun, when Giovanni left? Or maybe he's afraid of repercussions or his family...though I think the average guy WOULD call the police (unless he was Jack Reacher, of course. LOL. But think of the action that could happen! Giovanni doesn't get nailed by the cops, and now he's out to get Mr. Wise-ass lawyer, and maybe his family - kidnapping, etc... ok, see, the story IS exciting my imagination...gotta go read what you changed...

reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 06-Dec-2016
    Ellen, honestly - do you remember ever reading some of my really, really exuberant reviews of someone's work? When something touches me, is really beautiful, it tends to bring me to tears.

    This is one of those times. I wish we were allowed to change a five to a six. (Not that I have any left, anyway...sigh...) But woman, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!! EXCEPTIONAL!!!
Comment by
2014 Novelist and 2016 Short Works Writer Of The Year
Phyllis Stewart
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 Rank:  101
 
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Terrific chapter. I suppose "salamander" is a code word telling his wife he had to go into hiding or something. But why was he so frightened of that disgusting man? He took care of the job, so all should be fine. Unless he crossed him somehow. Guess we'll see. :)


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
    Thank you, Phyllis.
    :) e
Comment by
ciliverde
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  Rank:  194
 
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Oh, man, Brewster's got an Italian psychopath on his hands. No? Hanging a cat? Psychopath. Poor Jen, how horrible to be in a position like that, I would hate it, but fortunately I'm not the type to attract attention of guys like that (thank god). T

This is great, Ellen, I'd say that I can't put it down, but it's FS and not a book, so...I just end up anxious for more when I get to the end of each post. :)
Carol


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
    Thank you for your supportive review, Carol.

    :) e
Comment by
Sis Cat
 
Review Stars
 
 
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Riveting prose in this crime fiction and mystery. What stood out for me was the slimy , dangerous character Giovanni who steels every scene he is in and dominates it that you even wrote about it in this paragraph:

"As quickly as Giovanni had taken over my office to complete his territorial pissing, he exited it. It didn't feel like my office anymore. I stood abandoned in his claimed space, remembering the warning in his eyes."

You paint strong pictures of characters and danger. Your story engaged my imagination and got me wondering what the code name Salamander is. I will wait for the next chapter to find out. Thank you for sharing your thrilling writing.


 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 09-Dec-2016
    Thank you so much, Sis.
    :) e
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