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Reviews from
The Moon's Christmas


A magical experience

  39 total reviews 
Comment by
giraffmang
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2018 2nd for short works
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Hi E,

nice inventive piece and so glad to see some more real prose fiction pieces for the competition. They are becoming a rarity these days. good use of the existing characters to further world-build too. very nice.

A few things I noticed when reading-

twelve-year-old Derick reached for a hand full - handful.

"The news. Turn on the news. It's on all the channels"- need end punctuation here before the closing speech marks.

Channel KPRN Breaking News: "We interrupt this report to bring you another story - this is a very minor point, and I'm sure no one will mention it but it is highly unlikely that the tv would be turned on right at the beginning of the news bulletin. It is more probable to come in halfway through a sentence or such. It is pedantic but just thought I'd mention it.

The terrorists found Santa's home and workshop, and hoping to take the free world down, and have destroyed it. - this reads a little awkwardly. I think you don't need the 'and' before 'have destroyed it'.

Rescuers have arrived and have begun the search - perhaps delete the second 'have' here.

They lifted to float - not sure here. You could just say floated, or rose into the air.

"I ain't no Airedale," yipped another, doing a flip. - very nice... lol

"Moon shine down and make it true.
This flying pack is reindeer ... too!"- maybe stick a blank line in before this to separate it more.

In the interrupted speech sections when you use the dash, occasionally the speech marks are inverted to look like opening rather than closing ones. This may just be on 'classic' though. It happens when you put the speech marks in after the dashes. I usually insert the speech marks, go back and then put in the dashes, this seems to help.

wipe out sub-conscious recall - subconscious.

"There'll be plenty of time for snacks, ... Santa - I'm not sure about using the ellipsis and commas in conjunction here.

Since the gifts keep replicating themselves, my boy, you will have to hurry, or there won't be room for you in the sleigh.- very nice touch here.

"But I'm here, little man. Aren't I?" - Little Man should probably be capitalised as it's used as a proper noun.

"You're doing just fine, nephew." . - delete the extra full stop at the end here.

Norman Rehnquist here in Berlin - need opening speech marks here.

Jimmy yawned. " Hey, Mom." - delete the space after the opening speech marks here.

the Eiffel Tower, Big Ben - Just a minor point here but the clock tower isn't called Big Ben, that's the bell, not a landmark. The building is the Houses of Parliament.

I knew it. I knew it." Connor jumped up and down on the sofa and pointed to the TV. "Thee, Thanta's okay." - who is Connor? Jimmy, Sally and the twins, Robbie & Dwight were on the sofa?

All the best
G


 Comment Written 27-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
    Thank you a bunch for all of your editing.
    I guess I screwed this entry up, big time.
    I tried so hard to get everything right. Editing is not my forte.

    'The Houses of Parliament and Elizabeth Tower, commonly called Big Ben, are among London's most iconic landmarks and must-see London attractions.' From Google. I did know that Big Ben was technically the bell, but here it's also deemed a landmark.

    I removed the comma preceding the ellipsis. It looked wrong to me too.



    :) e
Comment by
mvbrooks
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The opening lines are intriguing:
"With Helweena vanquished, and the Moon family inheriting Halstead Manor..."
Starting in the middle (appears much has already happened) makes the reader want to know more.

It was playful how you altered "On Donner, On Blitzen..." to fit the storyline.

Fun story with enough references to things familiar to the reader to keep our interest.


 Comment Written 27-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
    Thank you for a very supportive review, mybrooks.
    I'm glad you found the story fun. That's exactly what I'd hoped.

    :) ellen
Comment by
Mary Wakeford
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Exceptional
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You've done it again, Ellen, this time with a Christmas theme. An exciting read with so much imagination and character build, storyline. I enjoyed the way you brought the current Star Wars craze into the story, and the dogs being the saving grace taking the place of the reindeer. I hope you win the contest!

Not being sure where the name Brindal came from, but if you were going as in a coat type, it is spelled brindle.


 Comment Written 27-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
    Thank you very much, Mary for the lovely and VERY generous six star review.
    With Brindal I was going for the rhyme. I could change the first letter so as not to confuse others with spelling.
    Thank you for the head''s up with that.

    Happy New Year.
    :)e

    BTW. What did you give your hubby? I checked yesterday and didn't find a video. Maybe, it 's there today ...
Comment by
emptypage
 
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The story is wonderful. Very creative, original, and fresh. I enjoyed it thoroughly. A couple of things to note:

You wrote, "We. Drew and I, and you. We have to fix Christmas."

Oy! Try "You and Drew and I...." You hurt my grammar feelings with this. And the speaker always mentions him/herself last!

But this:

"On Danger and Ranger and Bowser and Mindy,
Presents for all from Evon to Cindy,
On Wrinkles and Trooper and Blackie and Brindal
Dash away, dash away, dash away ... all.

Lead on Guardy.
Let's all party."

Very funny and delightfully entertaining passage. I love it.

Good luck!


 Comment Written 26-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
    Thank you for your review, emptypage.

    I was trying to simulate normal speech.
    Because of the word count, I had to delete the ellipses which count as words.
    I had written this: Velda said, "We ... Drew and I ... and you. We all have to fix Christmas."

    :) e
Comment by
Pearl Edwards
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  Rank:  106
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I really enjoyed this story (must still be a kid at heart) and you had many good life lessons scattered throughout for the kids (and not only them). Good luck in the contest, great job with these characters. I think many more adventures coning up for this family.
cheers,
valda


 Comment Written 26-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
    Thank you very much, Valda, for your six stars and wonderful review.
    I'll try to write another Moon Family adventure. They are quite a crew. haha

    Happy New Year!
    :) ellen
Comment by
2019 Novelist of the Year
Ulla
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Hi Ellen, this is a fantastic Christmas story so full of sweet imaginations and great suspense. Thank God Santa is still alive. I'm sure it will place high in the contest. Well done. Merry Cchristmas and happy New Year. All the best. Ulla:)))


 Comment Written 26-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
    Yep, we couldn't let the terrorists REALLY kill Santa. lol
    Thank you for a great review.

    Happy New Year!
    :) e
Comment by
davisr (Rhonda)
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Exceptional
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That's a Christmas story full of pure imagination and wonder.
I love the story of the family that pulled off Christmas when Santa was indisposed.
Funny how you played in terrorism, and a pull for animals to be cared for in your brilliant little story!
Lovely job,
Rhonda


 Comment Written 26-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
    I'm so glad you enjoyed this. Thank you very much for the six stars and lovely comments, Rhonda.

    Happy New Year!
    :) ellen xx
Comment by
barbara.wilkey
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barbara.wilkey Recommends:
St. Louis Chapter 23 part 1
McKenzie and Logan make plans for the day.
Pays:10 points
10 member cents

 

#5 Ranked Novelist
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This is a very wonderful Christmas story contest entry. I enjoyed reading and do happen to believe that things are possible if we believe. Good luck with the contest.


 Comment Written 26-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
    Thank you very much, Barbara, for the six stars, wonderful comments and good luck in the contest wish. One can always hope. haha

    Happy New Year!
    :) ellen xx
Comment by
evilynne
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I sure am over ten and thoroughly enjoyed your magical story. It is delightful, well written and appeals to the child in all of us. Best of luck in the contest! Evi


 Comment Written 26-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
    Hi, Evi.
    I'm waaaay over ten and still believe in Santa. (Big Smile.)
    Thank you so much for this lovely six star review and best of luck wish.

    I hope you had a lovely Christmas and your New Year will be a happy one.

    Hugs,
    :) ellen xx

Comment by
bookishfabler
 
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The family's snack went airborne, resembling the wintry weather outside, as the three jumped to their feet and rushed to fling open the door.

Perhsps this should come after "What the."
Typing on my phone sucks. Sorry. Perhaps my last 6 for the year. Well desrvef. Great job. Good luck in the contest.
Hugs
Heidi


 Comment Written 26-Dec-2016



reply by the author on 26-Dec-2016
    Thank you so much, Heidi, for the generous six stars.
    And I also appreciate your suggestion.

    I hope your Christmas was merry and that your New Year is a happy one.

    Hugs,
    :) ellen
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