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Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Kyle"

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  11 total reviews 
Comment by
rama devi
May All Beings Be Happy
 
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I love this! Well-composed with fine deep POV, a clear message, good pacing, and a satisfying balance of detail and insight. Cohesive. Words well-weighed. A few spag suggestions...coupled with applause:

NOTES

Excellent insight and well-voiced:

Four-year-old boys seem to question the oddest of things, while being totally incurious about matters an adult wouldn't let pass.


*

- like how life is such a fragile thing, and for some, so terribly short.

Suggest:

- like how life is such a fragile thing and, for some, so terribly short.

TOTALLY AGREE: Perhaps it doesn't hurt us to try and exercise kindness where we can.

*A tiny action on our part which improves someone's day might end up being of great importance to them.

suggest changing WHICH to THAT:

A tiny action on our part that improves someone's day might end up being of great importance to them.


A pitch perfect closing--almost like a bookend with of the childhood landscape (inner and outer):

I miss Kyle, even though I only met him once, and I miss a time when life seemed so much simpler.


Bravo and good luck.

Warmly, rd


PS close to six, but I have none left...


 Comment Written 24-Mar-2017



reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
    Thank you, RD, for the lovely review, and the helpful suggestions. I've incorporated both of them. Much appreciated, Craig

reply by rama devi on 25-Mar-2017
    Thanks for your gracious response, Craig! :-))
Comment by
strandregs
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  Rank:  309
 
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Hey rich
I love getting paid for reviews.
these remember stories bring back to life my childhood.
I love it.
you tell the story well.
a good read it makes.
small acts of kindness
that's all it takes.
I went over yesterday to help a neighbour clean out his multi freezers that a rat fried itself knocking them out.
his thanked me.
moral support. That what it was.
:-)) Z.


 Comment Written 24-Mar-2017



reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
    I had a rabbit chew through my fridge cord without doing itself the slightest bit of harm!

    Thanks for the lovely review, much appreciated. Craig
Comment by
Meia (MESAYERS)
 
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  Rank:  474
 
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I vaguely recall we had a fun time playing with my construction set that day, more than fifty years ago. At some later time, possibly that same evening, I was told that Kyle was very sick. That explained the pajamas. A couple of weeks later, my parents informed me that Kyle wouldn't be coming to play any more.

Looking back, my brief friendship with Kyle taught me some things - like how life is such a fragile thing, and for some, so terribly short' what a novel, tragic story. Bless you both. I am always aware of the fragility of life yet it always hits so hard love Meia well done x


 Comment Written 23-Mar-2017



reply by the author on 23-Mar-2017
    Thank you for reviewing my story, and for the kind words. Craig
Comment by
fionageorge
 
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A heart-rending and yet uplifting I remember story. So much to learn at such a young age, and some very empathetic advice for the readers. Great read, well written, I wish you well in the contest. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)


 Comment Written 23-Mar-2017



reply by the author on 23-Mar-2017
    Hi Marijke,

    I didn't mean that I realised the implications at 4 years of age. At the time, it was just two boys playing. It was recalling the incident many, many years later that made me think how silly it seems to waste time on the things we so often concern ourselves with. Thanks for the lovely review :) Craig
Comment by
--Turtle.
 
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Hi, Craig,

What I really like about your writing is you aren't afraid to pull out the heavy and complicated topics with a sophisticated and without needed frills voice. Then turn the spot light on a tidbit of 'think' toward human flaws, pride, pettiness...; In this case...how we make the little seem so much more bigger without a clue on the bigger picture. Or how each tossed pebble in the pond, small as that pebble might seem, might stir a tidal wave through time with a bit more reflection. Short, but potent reflection of 'I remember'.

A few things I thought as I read, for your consideration if you like:

Being an only child, I {was never going to complain}(never complained?) about
(maybe tighten?)

That he was wearing his pajamas and robe in(during)? the day time didn't seem

parents informed me that Kyle wouldn't be coming to play any more.
(so much unspoken that just leaves a punch to the heart, my little one's turning four next month. Random thought: I also remember when I was four... and had a one-day friend. (I still think about him from time to time, though he helped me escape my backyard to go play with him, thus giving my parents quite a scare.)

or whether those in our social group think we're clever, or pretty, or cool.
(nice use of rule bending for good effect, does well to emphasize each additional as it's own aftereffect with a specific voice about it.)




 Comment Written 22-Mar-2017



reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
    Hi Turtle!

    How good to hear from you after more than a year (yes, I know, my doing, not yours).

    Thank you for the wonderful review, which as always, is both helpful and encouraging. I'm sorry it wasn't promoted - I thought I might sneak it into the competition with no one noticing, as I haven't got enough to promote it yet - I'm getting there though :)

    I did follow your advice about tightening that phrase - thanks for that.

    "In the daytime" sounds more natural to me than "during the daytime". I'm sure it's just a local idiom thing - never going to please everyone!

    I'm surprised any parent survives their offspring's childhood - if my parents knew the half of it, I'm sure they would have died of heart attacks.

    Thanks again for the lovely and generous review.

    Craig

reply by --Turtle. on 22-Mar-2017
    It's good to see you back, Craig. I was truly sad when you went away.
Comment by
Sarkems
Level 1 Pro
 
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CD, you're back! Well, this is a lovely entry to the contest. A lump came into my throat as I read about your brief friendship. Some wise words about kindness at the end. Not a single nit did I spot.

I seem to remember, some moons ago, you suggested a beer for the first of us to win a site contest. Well, I've got an entry in this, too, but I think the beers will be on me this time. Excellent work and welcome back.


 Comment Written 22-Mar-2017



reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
    I wouldn't be too concerned about having to buy a beer, if I were you - but thanks for the lovely review, Emma. I'm sorry it wasn't promoted at all - I'm still working up to being able to afford a thingy. Kim also is trying to twist my arm to enter NoPoMo (I think that's what it's called), so I'm going to have to get my finger out and start reviewing!

    Muchos Gracias,
    Craig

reply by Sarkems on 22-Mar-2017
    It's hard when you start again after an absence. Don't worry about the pay, just glad to have you back.
Comment by
I am Cat
 
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Hello Craig,
While I'm not posting on this site any longer, I do skulk around here occasionally.
Enough to see when injustices are happening. It's usually then, and only then, that I will step in.
I saw your post in the reviewing forum... I read that review... I agree with you, it's only one reason I don't post here anymore.
This is a wonderful entry for this contest, and that person is ignorant BECAUSE he didn't even read the contest rules before reviewing your work.
*rolls eyes*

I hope this pushes this back to the SIX STAR RATING where it belongs. Where Gloria attempted to put it in the first place. Believe the ones who know. That's all I can say.
Yeah, I'm a bit ruffled at this point.
I loved your writing, as always, and I do wish you great success in this contest.
Cat


 Comment Written 22-Mar-2017



reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
    Awww Cat - it's my first day back (didn't take long to get into trouble!) I didn't realise you weren't posting any more. Maybe you just need a break for a while - I'm hoping that will have done the trick for me, or it could be a short return lol

    Anyways, I'll miss seeing your work, which was often phenomenal, so don't leave it too long.

    And many, many thanks for your support, on this occasion, and many others.

    Craig.
Comment by
~Dovey
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Hi Craig,

You've never told me this story before. I like the way you shared the experience and went on to muse about those things that seem to swallow up our lives, but in the long run, really shouldn't be that important at all. I have a feeling it will be well received in the "I Remember" contest.

Good luck!

Kim
http://www.fanstory.com/contestdetails.jsp?id=104151


 Comment Written 22-Mar-2017



reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
    Hi Kim,

    Well, I have to have some secrets! It's a memory that doesn't surface all that often, and I'm not sure what triggers it (or many others, for that matter). Thanks for the good wishes.
    Craig
Comment by
2018 Poet of the Year
Gloria ....
2014 - #365 Poet of the Year
2014 - #56 Author of the Year
 
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Hey Craig! Great to see you again. I think is a wonderful story, and Kyle made a strong impression on you, and a good one too. The lesson imparted, that it doesn't hurt us to and exercise kindness is veeeeeeeeery important.

Good to see you back my friend. :))

Gloria


 Comment Written 21-Mar-2017



reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
    Thanks for the lovely welcome back, Gloria. Has it really been a year?

    Thank you too, for the wonderful shiny, sixer. I'm glad you enjoyed the story of Kyle :)

    Great to hear from you,
    Craig.
Comment by
trailblazer101
That is the true legend...
...but the legend may not be true ...
 
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Don;t feel bad about the four. It has to do with the intro. Your feelings flowed well through this one and your questions are excellent.
"like how life is such a fragile thing, and for some, so terribly short. What a pity it is that most of us waste so much of it worrying about inconsequential things, like how much money we have, or if our house is the biggest and best in the street, or whether those in our social group think we're clever, or pretty, or cool."
I had a few Kyles in my life so I enjoyed this although it brought back memories.
Try working on the intro:
"I remember the day Kyle came to play. I was about four, so it didn't seem strange to me that I should be playing with a boy I had never met before."
"Having Kyle, a strange boy coming to play didn't seem unusual when I was only four years old."
You could take a lot of choppiness out if you tried tightening your sentences a little more. On the other hand you succeeded in getting your points across.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 21-Mar-2017



reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
    Thanks for the review and the suggestions. I won't be replacing my original opening with the suggested one, It's not the effect I was after; not to mention the writing prompt specifically says it MUST start with "I remember". But I do appreciate the time and effort you have spent on your comments. Craig.

reply by trailblazer101 on 21-Mar-2017
    Go for it.
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