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11 total reviews
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Comment by | | May All Beings Be Happy | | | | | Poet Rating
 | Author Rating For Short Works
 | Review Stars
Rank: 133 | | | |
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I love this! Well-composed with fine deep POV, a clear message, good pacing, and a satisfying balance of detail and insight. Cohesive. Words well-weighed. A few spag suggestions...coupled with applause:
NOTES
Excellent insight and well-voiced:
Four-year-old boys seem to question the oddest of things, while being totally incurious about matters an adult wouldn't let pass.
*
- like how life is such a fragile thing, and for some, so terribly short.
Suggest:
- like how life is such a fragile thing and, for some, so terribly short.
TOTALLY AGREE: Perhaps it doesn't hurt us to try and exercise kindness where we can.
*A tiny action on our part which improves someone's day might end up being of great importance to them.
suggest changing WHICH to THAT:
A tiny action on our part that improves someone's day might end up being of great importance to them.
A pitch perfect closing--almost like a bookend with of the childhood landscape (inner and outer):
I miss Kyle, even though I only met him once, and I miss a time when life seemed so much simpler.
Bravo and good luck.
Warmly, rd
PS close to six, but I have none left...
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Comment Written 24-Mar-2017 |
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reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
Thank you, RD, for the lovely review, and the helpful suggestions. I've incorporated both of them. Much appreciated, Craig
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reply by rama devi on 25-Mar-2017
Thanks for your gracious response, Craig! :-))
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 103 | Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
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 Rank: 309 | | | |
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Comment by | | | | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
| Review Stars
Rank: 168 | | | |
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Hi, Craig,
What I really like about your writing is you aren't afraid to pull out the heavy and complicated topics with a sophisticated and without needed frills voice. Then turn the spot light on a tidbit of 'think' toward human flaws, pride, pettiness...; In this case...how we make the little seem so much more bigger without a clue on the bigger picture. Or how each tossed pebble in the pond, small as that pebble might seem, might stir a tidal wave through time with a bit more reflection. Short, but potent reflection of 'I remember'.
A few things I thought as I read, for your consideration if you like:
Being an only child, I {was never going to complain}(never complained?) about
(maybe tighten?)
That he was wearing his pajamas and robe in(during)? the day time didn't seem
parents informed me that Kyle wouldn't be coming to play any more.
(so much unspoken that just leaves a punch to the heart, my little one's turning four next month. Random thought: I also remember when I was four... and had a one-day friend. (I still think about him from time to time, though he helped me escape my backyard to go play with him, thus giving my parents quite a scare.)
or whether those in our social group think we're clever, or pretty, or cool.
(nice use of rule bending for good effect, does well to emphasize each additional as it's own aftereffect with a specific voice about it.)
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Comment Written 22-Mar-2017 |
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reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
Hi Turtle!
How good to hear from you after more than a year (yes, I know, my doing, not yours).
Thank you for the wonderful review, which as always, is both helpful and encouraging. I'm sorry it wasn't promoted - I thought I might sneak it into the competition with no one noticing, as I haven't got enough to promote it yet - I'm getting there though :)
I did follow your advice about tightening that phrase - thanks for that.
"In the daytime" sounds more natural to me than "during the daytime". I'm sure it's just a local idiom thing - never going to please everyone!
I'm surprised any parent survives their offspring's childhood - if my parents knew the half of it, I'm sure they would have died of heart attacks.
Thanks again for the lovely and generous review.
Craig
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reply by --Turtle. on 22-Mar-2017
It's good to see you back, Craig. I was truly sad when you went away.
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Comment by | | | | | | Poet Rating
| Author Rating For Short Works
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Rank: 392 | | | |
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CD, you're back! Well, this is a lovely entry to the contest. A lump came into my throat as I read about your brief friendship. Some wise words about kindness at the end. Not a single nit did I spot.
I seem to remember, some moons ago, you suggested a beer for the first of us to win a site contest. Well, I've got an entry in this, too, but I think the beers will be on me this time. Excellent work and welcome back.
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Comment Written 22-Mar-2017 |
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reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
I wouldn't be too concerned about having to buy a beer, if I were you - but thanks for the lovely review, Emma. I'm sorry it wasn't promoted at all - I'm still working up to being able to afford a thingy. Kim also is trying to twist my arm to enter NoPoMo (I think that's what it's called), so I'm going to have to get my finger out and start reviewing!
Muchos Gracias,
Craig
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reply by Sarkems on 22-Mar-2017
It's hard when you start again after an absence. Don't worry about the pay, just glad to have you back.
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Comment by | | | | | Review Stars
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Hello Craig,
While I'm not posting on this site any longer, I do skulk around here occasionally.
Enough to see when injustices are happening. It's usually then, and only then, that I will step in.
I saw your post in the reviewing forum... I read that review... I agree with you, it's only one reason I don't post here anymore.
This is a wonderful entry for this contest, and that person is ignorant BECAUSE he didn't even read the contest rules before reviewing your work.
*rolls eyes*
I hope this pushes this back to the SIX STAR RATING where it belongs. Where Gloria attempted to put it in the first place. Believe the ones who know. That's all I can say.
Yeah, I'm a bit ruffled at this point.
I loved your writing, as always, and I do wish you great success in this contest.
Cat
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Comment Written 22-Mar-2017 |
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reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017
Awww Cat - it's my first day back (didn't take long to get into trouble!) I didn't realise you weren't posting any more. Maybe you just need a break for a while - I'm hoping that will have done the trick for me, or it could be a short return lol
Anyways, I'll miss seeing your work, which was often phenomenal, so don't leave it too long.
And many, many thanks for your support, on this occasion, and many others.
Craig.
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
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Comment by| 2018 Poet of the Year | | | 2014 - #365 Poet of the Year | | | 2014 - #56 Author of the Year | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 14 | Author Rating For Short Works
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Rank: 31 | | | |
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Comment by | | That is the true legend... | | | ...but the legend may not be true ... | | | Author Rating For Short Works
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Don;t feel bad about the four. It has to do with the intro. Your feelings flowed well through this one and your questions are excellent.
"like how life is such a fragile thing, and for some, so terribly short. What a pity it is that most of us waste so much of it worrying about inconsequential things, like how much money we have, or if our house is the biggest and best in the street, or whether those in our social group think we're clever, or pretty, or cool."
I had a few Kyles in my life so I enjoyed this although it brought back memories.
Try working on the intro:
"I remember the day Kyle came to play. I was about four, so it didn't seem strange to me that I should be playing with a boy I had never met before."
"Having Kyle, a strange boy coming to play didn't seem unusual when I was only four years old."
You could take a lot of choppiness out if you tried tightening your sentences a little more. On the other hand you succeeded in getting your points across.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations. |
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Comment Written 21-Mar-2017 |
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reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
Thanks for the review and the suggestions. I won't be replacing my original opening with the suggested one, It's not the effect I was after; not to mention the writing prompt specifically says it MUST start with "I remember". But I do appreciate the time and effort you have spent on your comments. Craig.
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reply by trailblazer101 on 21-Mar-2017
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