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64 total reviews
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
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 Rank: 150 | | | |
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Did the photo inspire the piece? Or was it found to represent the haiku? Either way, it is an engaging presentation. The tree is scarred, but the pine needles sparkle through the broken glass. Interesting. The flow is a little less than smooth, but my guess is, that was what you were going for. Are the sparkling pine needles the silver lining? Or, am I reading more into it than is there?
Thanks for sharing.
Take care, Jesse
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Comment Written 25-Mar-2017 |
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reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
Oh, no, Jesse, I composed my poem first after reflecting upon old car crash sites along the side of the road landmarked with scarred trees and broken glass. After i wrote my poem, I then spent hours trying to find online a picture of broken auto glass among pine needles. I should have went back outside and took a picture of the crash sight, but my picture would not have been as detailed as the one I found.
One of the things I like about these poems is that it sparks your imagination to read more into it. Thank you for your review.
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reply by Jesse James Doty on 25-Mar-2017
You are an inspired writer, with an eye for the unforeseen. Kudos to you for writing it.
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 62 | | | |
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| Well done. I'm curious, which came first - the picture or the story? I like what you did here. The leap is not obvious until you tell us, then it's - wow! Thank you for writing and sharing. If you could help me with the 5-7-5 I would appreciate it. I counted different but maybe it isn't always necessary...?
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Comment Written 24-Mar-2017 |
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reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
Thamp, what comes first is my picture in my mind of old car crash sites along my route to work. Off road, scarred trees stand sentinel above shattered auto glass as if the trees represent roadside crosses. After I wrote my poem, I spent hours online trying to find a picture online of broken auto glass among pine needles. Once I found my picture, I posted my poem. I do better with composing poem based upon personal experience, observation, and memory. I don't use photos to inspire me when I have a world of inspiration right beneath my feet.
Regarding my 4-8-5 haiku, contemporary poets are playing with or abandoning the traditional 5-7-5. Last year an American won an international haiku competition in Japan with a 3-4-3 haiku. I am submitting this year. Thank you for your review.
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reply by Thamp on 25-Mar-2017
Very informative, thank you!
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Hi Andre,
You have an excellent knack for choosing just the right words to enhance your haiku. There is an art to that ability for brevity and impact.
I'm mulling over the word sparkle, and I get that it is a verb:
1. shine brightly with flashes of light.
"her earrings sparkled as she turned her head"
But, I'm wondering if you had considered any other words in this particular line? I would probably have gone with something like:
shattered glass peppers pine needles or
shattered glass showers pine needles
Maybe I'm not thinking 'out of the box' enough? I liked your haiku and your satori line is perfect. I was just wondering about the thought process involved.
Good job! :)
Kim
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Comment Written 24-Mar-2017 |
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reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
Oh, no, Kim, you are doing a great job thinking outside of the box. I spend sometimes minutes or hours and even days puzzling over each word. Your suggestions are good ones and show a keen and creative thought process. I chose "sparkle" because it best describes my experience when I go on walks and encounter an old car crash site. The wreck had long been removed, but all that remains are the scarred tree and the sparkling shards of auto glass glittering among the dried pine needles like diamonds. I do not get the same picture of sparkling, glittering, diamond-like shards of glass with the verbs "peppers" or "showers." Knowing me, I might borrow those two words for another poem! Thank you for your review.
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reply by ~Dovey on 25-Mar-2017
Hi Andre,
Thanks for the understanding reply... now I see what you see.
Kim
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