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Tanka Poetry Contest
Deadline: Today!

15 Syllable Poem
Deadline: In 2 Days

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5 Line Poem
Deadline: Mar 5th


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Reviews from
Balance


A Little To the Left of Expendability

  68 total reviews 
Comment by
Delahay
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Review Stars
  Rank:  432
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I didn't think you did much in the way of poetry but I'm impressed with your descriptive phrases. I am particularly partial to the night sky as a shattered crystal dome. It makes me think of the stars as scattered pieces of glass. I feel kind of silly for asking but, is the feathered weapon with arthritic claws an old bird of prey trying to catch a fish?


 Comment Written 09-Jun-2017



reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
    Don't feel silly, Ward. That poem has an unbelievable array of interpretations. I was trying to convey the way the eagle's (or as some see it, the gull's) claws are bent and curved in readiness for the kill. Ward, thank you so much for the six stars and your kindness in reading it to such a depth. I just posted a new poem about 5 minutes ago that lacks the imagery, but I hope it resonates at some level of meaning beneath the surface. Once again, THANK YOU!

    Jay
Comment by
lalajovanoski
 
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Excellent
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Hello Friend
I love this piece. It is a great ABC and I'm sure will do really great in this contest. Great use of imagery throughout. The nights shattered crystal dome, the desperate plunge.... Pretty deep.
Thanks for sharing this.
Good luck in the contest. ?¡?¡


 Comment Written 09-Jun-2017



reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
    Lala, as always, your reviews are so very appreciated. We'll see if it makes the first cut and gets to the judges. You are very kind.
Comment by
jusylee72
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  Rank:  441
 
Excellent
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Nice abc poem that depicts some darker thoughts. At least that is what I got from it . Earthly life destroyed. Expendables as you put it at the end of your poem. Loved the colors.


 Comment Written 08-Jun-2017



reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
    Fascinating, Jusylee. There has been more variety in the interpretation of this poem than any other I've written. It's run the gamut from Evolution to Christianity to one fella who was afraid I'd gone off the deep end and was contemplating suicide. I convinced him I was happy as a clam. Thanks so much, though, for adding your feelings to it.

    Jay
Comment by
Sugar Cube1
 
 
Excellent
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I really enjoy the title of your poem. "Balance" just fits the poem so nicely. I really like it. I think the writing was very nice and I like your descriptive words. I really love how powerful your poem feels.


 Comment Written 08-Jun-2017



reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
    Those are some wonderful accolades, Sugar Cube1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review.

reply by Sugar Cube1 on 09-Jun-2017
    No problem, Jay, I really enjoyed your writing! Keep it Up!
Comment by
mvbrooks
 
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Excellent
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The cadence and word choice are intriguing and force the reader deeper into the poem to be able to visualize and imagine what is occurring. The choice of "expendable" to describe one of God's creatures is startling (as likely intended). The word choice adds to the serious tone of the poem.


 Comment Written 08-Jun-2017



reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
    Strange, MV, you chose the key word to be "expendable." I considered after it was posted, with thoughts to Jesus' Feast of the Fishes and Loaves, to change it to "expandable." But that would tighten the focus too much. Thanks so much for your thoughts on this review.
Comment by
closetpoetjester
Metronomaniacal
Tendancies
 
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  Rank:  486
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Wow! To start with I didn't quite know what I was reading here and upon a second more thorough look I find a soul filled with stress, angst and possibly not much self worth.
We are all Gods creatures. I hope this isn't a bio but if you are in the depths of despair, look for anything positive and run towards it. If there is nothing positive, create something. Your wonderful poem is certainly in touch with the mind set of someone who may not be enjoying life as they might deserve to. Such a heartfelt write and it engulfed this reader from go to whoah!
Sixer for you. Well done. Hope things get a little brighter for you, if this is how you're feeling.
Cheers P


 Comment Written 08-Jun-2017



reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
    No, I'm happy as a lark, my dear friend. But don't ask for your six back. LOL, I've already run away with it. I think what it is is the openness I intended this poem to have, so there would be a number of interpretations. Thanks so much for the sixer. I appreciate it.

reply by closetpoetjester on 08-Jun-2017
    Wow!
    You did GOOD then Jay!!
Comment by
Oatmeal
Oatmeal
 
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Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Jay,

You did a wonderful job with the challenge that was presented to you. Well chosen words are excellent. The theme is strong. Your feelings are expressed well. Your arrangement looks very nice. The flow is smooth.

There was no SPAG. No room for improvement.

The words you chose worked well.

I look forward to seeing you again.

Love you,

Oatmeal


 Comment Written 08-Jun-2017



reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
    Love you, too, Camille. You are so kind to have read this at such depth, then doubled down with enthusiasm. Have you been on hiatus? I haven't had any of your posts on my inbox queue.
Comment by
kiwigirl2821
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  Rank:  312
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi Jay. Wellll now, this piece has a presence doesn't it? I'm not sure the images created in my mind are what the piece demanded, but I do think it is an excellent write if not sad. I personally do not like to think anyone is "expendable" Good luck in your contest. xoxo Kiwi


 Comment Written 08-Jun-2017



reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
    Thank you, Kiwi, for your personal take on the poem. More than just about any poem I've written, this one has created a dialogue. I am happy to hear of your part in it.
Comment by
Lena Borghi
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Jay,
This poem is exceptional. It has such effortless flow that I was surprised to see it was an ABC poem; I had thought it was free verse. The imagery is excellent, painted by vivid language:
"shattered crystal dome"
"suck and muscled crawl of sea"
The smattering of alliteration and consonance gives it great musicality.
It is in perfect synchrony with the art work. Indeed, a theme perfectly carried out. I read it several times and enjoyed it more each subsequent read.

Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.

Lena


 Comment Written 08-Jun-2017



reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
    Lena, this is one of those times I dread. Such a fine review deserves recognition and I have no more "thumbs-up" awards owing to my frivolity early on. It is so refreshing to have poets bring the tools of their craft to bear on the construction of my poem. Unlike my inability to give a six to a deserving post, what I can do here is add your name to my list of next month's nominations. I hope you find that satisfactory. Additionally, let me thank you for your much appreciated six! (I just added your name to July's Thumbs up.)

reply by Lena Borghi on 10-Jun-2017
    No recognition necessary, Jay, but I appreciate your intent and your kind words. A good piece of poetry deserves a thoughtful read and analysis. I'm afraid I don't do nearly as much reviewing as I should, as often, I find the need to educate, rather than applaud, and don't know if it's welcome. It is most refreshing to come across a fine piece of poetry such as yours. Write on!
Comment by
evesayshi
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  170
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  196
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
In my opinion, a plaintive and earnest study of resignation, but in utter appreciation and awe of nature's realm and its individual inhabitants - this being one of search and seize...


 Comment Written 08-Jun-2017



reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
    Search and seize ... What an interesting thought. Thanks for giving it, and for your fine rating.

reply by evesayshi on 08-Jun-2017
    You are very welcome, Jay - my pleasure - I truly enjoyed this thought provoking read...Eve
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