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Reviews from
Within These Walls


Unacceptance of any more family tragedy

  17 total reviews 
Comment by
2019 Poet of the Year
Dolly'sPoems
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#1 Ranked Poet!

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I am sorry to hear about your losses and life can be cruel to us at times. As we get older there seems to be more change and losing relatives is hard because they are part of our lives, a heartfelt poem here, love Dolly x


 Comment Written 11-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 11-Jul-2017
    Thank you so much Dolly. Yes I agree with every you said. Life can be so cruel sometimes and for some most of the time. I can't wait to pass the test and to gain the prize from God. Much love Dolly...
Comment by
Poetic Friend
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Tier,

You poetry is always poignant. Your poetic is strong and powerful.

I am sorry your family members have endured so much pain. Oftentimes, the challenges bring the family closer. The Lord allows certain situations to happen for different reasons -- to trust and have faith in the Lord, to build charactesr, to be compassionate. In your case, to share your experience as a means to help others.

You are truly an inspiration.


 Comment Written 09-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
    Thank you my friend. As I said before I have missed you. I am happy that all is well with you. Sometimes we all just need to take a break from this site. Life is extremely busy but this site has a way of sucking all of your time away from the other necessary things in life, if we let it. I am sure learning that. I really don't have this kind of time but I am happy to have met people like you so I stay devoted to these friendships when I have the time.

    Thank you for the compliments. You know how I feel about your poetic voice. Some poets should be recognized or their work the way Maya Angelo was. I feel that you are one of them.


Comment by
Sis Cat
 
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Tier, this is a compelling poem about losses piled atop of losses, making one numb to the pain and the constant shocks to our well-being. This passage reminds me of the Simon and Garfunkel song "I Am a Rock":

For I have allowed myself to become a stone
with sharp and jagged edges,
hardened and disheartened
so I pardon any penetration
so you could never please my surface
or get in
where it is only cold and bare.

You paint a compelling picture of a family under siege within walls as death and the Devil sniffs and lurks about outside:

He roared, soared, devoured with power,
ripped me and tore me,
bore through me and sawed me,
leaving me raggedy and tragically shaggy
then claimed me as a work of art,
but then...
my loved ones were being stricken and hitten,
taken and they were dying

I enjoyed the flow of your words I can hear in my ear as if this was performed at a poetry open mic. You consistently write some of the best free verse poetry on FanStory. Your verse is infused by blues and rap, by Sunday sermons and Wednesday's testimony meetings.

Add the hyphen to un-throbbing in the text of the poem as you have in the author's notes. I love your creativity to make new words that fit the beat and your message.

I always feel refreshed, energized, and inspired when I read your poetry. Thank you for sharing your compelling plea which concludes:

So I am begging you...
I'm begging you please,
please...stop messing with my family!

because we...
we are staying...
within these walls...

Thanks again.


 Comment Written 08-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
    Hello my friend Sis Cat: You know how much I always look forward to you reviews. You have me blushing this time, be careful my head is getting bigger. By the time I send you a video of my poetry reading, my head won't fit the photo. What a compliment though. You always come just in time. Most of my reviews are always so positive and then every once in a while there will be some ___________(let me not call names) who say something unnecessarily negative and then I wonder why I am wasting my time on this site.

    I responding to that person though. They had the nerve to give me a 3 or a 4 star and to say that they did not even finish reading the poem. How do you give someone a review when you did not even read the complete post?

    Any way, thank you so much. I believe that your critiques and suggestions are way more valuable that MANY. So I look forward to hearing from you and I make the necessary changes that you suggest because I know you are an experience Poet and performer. You are one of the GREAT ones. Most of the others do not matter to me when it comes to you. Thank you so much for your support.

reply by Sis Cat on 10-Jul-2017
    Yes, Tier, how could anyone give you a 3 or 4 without finishing your poem? When I read a poem that makes me upset and I decline to finish it, I do not review. Don't review angry and don't demean the poet. Either a reviewer should read the whole poem and provide helpful feedback or don't provide a review at all. I am glad my reviewers help you.

    Andre
Comment by
kiwigirl2821
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Hello Tier.

Love it when you start out with a BOOM! "Kiss tenderly on my pain for I am still aching." Beautiful opening line and immediately presents the emotion of your write.
-
Abuse is not one I will ever accept. Behind each word lies a story of suffering.

I'm not sure about that word "un throbbing" I wonder if something more of an alliteration would be more powerful; perhaps [thrust-ed throbbing]



"so I pardon any penetration" do you think that second so is necessary?

so I pardon any penetration
you could never please my surface
or get in
where it is cold and bare ...

the word only takes for this reader away from the impact of cold and bare

You know Tier I'm stopping myself every time I see the word try. It's a useless word in my vocabulary cause it makes my writes feel weak and I hate that feeling even in fiction. When I take out that "try" word in this stanza it reads like this for me:

"Life has left me desensitized.

I want to trust again!
I want to love again!
I want to hope again!

Even when I want
to put my arms around that chance,
there is still a brick wall
I built but,
still can not climb over.
Don't waste your time
You will not climb in
for I only have those with me
behind my built wall
with a strong hope
they will not and can not climb over
to get out.

Lovely friend, I am sincerely not trying to rewrite your piece because it has soul my girl that bleeds from it. My point is sometimes we tend to go on and on to make a point and this piece is so close to the heart for you possibly you tend to use too many filler words. I don't know my friend, it's just a suggestion.

Love the piece and it all the emotions that it evokes within me. So good, so so good (lol there's that word again!) xoxo deborah



 Comment Written 08-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
    Yeah, you have a sense of humor and that's terrific. Well, my dear friend I am a poet who never seems to write the brief poems. I guess in time it will get better. I just started to write again in 2014, after the death of my son and I never went to college. In school, math was always my stronger subject. I hated writing which was called "English class" I didnt pay attention in those classes and I didnt care either because I worked a full time job during school and I was too tired to care. Oh but now I care, alright. I care a lot.

    Well, it's been a long night. Thank you so much for your review and rating. I will catch up with you later okay! Smooches...
Comment by
Oatmeal
Oatmeal
 
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Tier V. King,

There is a lot of feeling in this poem. The flow is smooth but I think that some of these problems are typos. I did not review the entire poem but I reviewed the top part. I have a lot to do right now but I will be back to take a look at it.

anything other than the real
of my (un throbbing.)

two so's in a row?

(so) I pardon any penetration
(so) you could never please my surface

sounds a little strange

or get in
(where) it is (only) cold and bare.

for I have only those with me
(that) I have also built that wall around,

hitten??

my loved ones were being stricken and (hitten),

Everything else looks fine.

Love you,

Oatmeal

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 08-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
    Hello Oatmeal, I dont understand how you rated my poem when you already admitted that you did not finish reading it. If you had read it, you would've seen ( in my Arthur notes) my explanation for using un-throbbing and hitten.

    Also I am very confident about my poetry. I write powerful poetry. When I write it I can express myself in what ever way I choose. My poetic license allows me to do that. "Within These Walls" is one of my strong poems. I don't have a problem with any decisions I made when writing it. I can use the word "so" as many times as I want to because it is my poem. I am insulted that you would grade this poem before you finished reading it, very insulted.
Comment by
BeasPeas
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Hi Tier. I do understand your poem and the pain that we experience when tragedy strikes. You've explained it perfectly. I hope you feel better now. Your made-up words, specifically "un-throbbing" and "hitten" are ones that give power to your poem. Marilyn


 Comment Written 08-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
    Hello my friend Beas Peas, Thank you so much for your understanding and encouraging words. Yes, I was so strongly criticized for using words that are not words but sometimes I simply use my poetic license when I see fit. We all have our own poetic voices and mines is sometimes a little unique. I do take chances with my poetry but I must stay true to myself.

    It is always a please to hear from you and to read your work, Beas so I look forward to reading some more of you excellent poetry. Please have a wonderful day.
Comment by
Jannypan (Jan)
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#3 Ranked Poet
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Tier,
You did a great job expressing your thoughts/feelings with this emotional poem.

Readers can feel the emotional turmoil within the lines. Those lines flow well with a great, but sad story, & great imagery.

I understand how the loss of your mother could upset the normalcy of your family. I understand how attending funerals causes much emotional pain, too. I am sorry for your other losses. Each one of us handles grief in our own way. I can't say I know how you feel. But I know how I felt at the loss of my mother, father, grandparents, & several friends--one just recently. Please take time for yourself to regroup. Stay strong even when it is difficult.

I hope writing about this helps you. Thanks for sharing. Jan



 Comment Written 08-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
    Hello my friend, Jan - It is always so great to hear from you. I have met some very special friend on this site and I consider you one of them. Thank you for your continued encouragement, kind words and reviews. I really appreciate you.

    Yes, writing does help a lot. This is why I found it necessary to publish my first book. I was aching so horrible after the death of my oldest son, I prayed for poetry to write again. I was facing a writer's block because I became so speechless from all of the loss and tragedy. At my son's funeral I promised the audience that I would publish some of his poetry because he was an extraordinary Poet. However I could not find enough of his poetry to publish a whole book so I gathered poetry from my other children and then went on to write 35 poems concerning the loss. It is my baby. (the book) I will be reading some more of your excellent poetry by tomorrow. I have been so busy lately but you will be hearing from me. Please have a wonderful day.
Comment by
Bucketlist
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Hello friend Tier, This defiantly reads as from two distinct , but hurting people. Thai first part reminds me of two things
The negative effect of abuse
Some males lack of awareness of the geography of desire for females. It's located between the EARS lol , not the South Pole!. I loved your description " So you could never please my surface,or get into where it's dark and cold" as the result of emotion shutting down..
The second person is repenting, and the penning style changes.
You are still hurting ? Have you though of writing prose? I sadly related to the first, and felt
Support for the second. Thanks for sharing. Hugs,Trisha


 Comment Written 08-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
    Hello my good friend, Trisha:

    It is always so great to hear from you. You definitely have become someone who really understands me and my poetry. You have nailed it completely in explaining this poem. This is exactly why I so eagerly look forward to hearing from you. Every artist requires this kind of understanding. You are a great friendship, one of great value to me. You have made my day with you encouraging review. I hope that your day will be full of love, joy and sunshine. I am sending my hugs to you as well. Much love...

reply by Bucketlist on 10-Jul-2017
Comment by
Gert sherwood
 
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Hello Tier V. King

What a well written long poem, which to me let out all your upsets and loved the part about the brick wall really brought how you feel

My family and me...
My family and I...
We..
(are staying within the brick wall.

Gert





 Comment Written 08-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
    Thank you Gert. I appreciate your review and rating. I hope your day is going well. Thank you again, my friend...
Comment by
MelB
 
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This is a tremendously, well written piece. It is raw, heartfelt, and gripping! I'm so sorry for all the tragedy your family has endured. I'm not sure why some families seem to have more of it happen than others. Prayers of healing for you and your family!


 Comment Written 08-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
    Thank you so much Mel,

    I am so happy to hear from you. Thank you for the six stars, wow! I really appreciate your encouragement and reviews. You are someone who really understands my poetry. This is necessary for me as a Poet and Writer and your words are always encouraging and kind. I appreciate you and value your opinions. Please have an excellent day and I look forward to reading some more of your great work.

reply by MelB on 10-Jul-2017
    You're most welcome! I think I understand your poetry, because I have been through so many things in my life. My story is posted on here in a book called Abuse No More.

reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
    Oh that is so interesting. I need to note this so I can check into your book.
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