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Reviews from
Breath


Last moments

  31 total reviews 
Comment by
Brigitte Elko
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This was one of the most powerful poems that I have found on Fan Story. Your words are descriptive and the narration to unfold this story exceptional. I have not read your work before but will from now on. Good luck in the contest with this excellent entry.
Have a great evening.
Brigitte


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
    Thank you so much,what a lovely review
    Mitchell
Comment by
MissMerri
Merri, Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  24
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  252
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This poem is remarkable. It is so filled with vivid sensory images which all contribute to its powerful emotional impact. It is movingly beautiful yet sad. I truly enjoyed the experience of reading these lines. I hope it does well in this POM contest. Congratulations for the nomination. I loved it.


 Comment Written 05-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
    Thank you so much for such kind words and a fantastic rating
Comment by
mfowler
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Lovely, deep and highly emotional poem. I needed to read it several times to feel the pain of the writer as the physical and emotional state of his lover is described and put into context alongside his own decline emotionally. Your word choices are both bold and supportive of the changing circumstances. I particularly like your use of imagery to make your point and aid the poetic flow of the poem.

And all I can do is
wish I could swap places,
remembering, before the sickness,
when your supple spine
moulded against my palms,
as my body, a rudder
guided your pliant shell,
trembling like bamboo wind chimes
across the kitchen floor,
your breath, a ghost
against the window's chill. ... This is particularly good verse. The bamboo wind chimes drew me in fully.

Great entry. I hope you do very well.
Regards
Mark


 Comment Written 05-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
    A wonderful review Mark, thank you so much for the kind words and humbling rating
Comment by
pome lover
Premier Author
Katharine Folkes
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  126 (+2)
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  49
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  118
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A painful account. Memories longingly and beautifully spoken.
Anguish of lost love and closeness.
Your analogies are fresh and original; familiar feelings thoughtfully imagined,
combatting the difficulty of this writing with soft, expressive words.
very nicely done.
pome lover


 Comment Written 18-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 19-Jul-2017
    Thank you so much for a wonderful review
Comment by
Rasmine
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
YNWA,

Hello. This was a very sad poem but very good!

My favorite stanza:
And all I can do is
wish I could swap places,
remembering, before the sickness,
when your supple spine
moulded against my palms,
as my body, a rudder
guided your pliant (did you mean 'plant'?) shell,
trembling like bamboo wind chimes
across the kitchen floor,
your breath, a ghost
against the window's chill.


 Comment Written 18-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 19-Jul-2017
    Thank you so much for a wonderful review....I loved it.
    I did mean pliant...meaning 'yielding'.....but maybe plant was a better option.
Comment by
Eternal Muse
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
How tragic. You described the last moments beautifully. This is powerful stuff, and brought tears to my eyes. Yes, this real. This is life. And death. But how poignant.

But now,
as the sun slips
through the billowed fingers
of cover,
and the oceans roll,
crowned with ancient salt
-had unfurled its bolts of rage,
I wonder, that
'dying might just be like that'
as I watch,
you lose your final breath.

Striking work.


 Comment Written 18-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 18-Jul-2017
    What a wonderful review, thank you so much
Comment by
N.K. Wagner
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  106
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  297
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A very good, very touching free verse poem about a man helplessly watching his beloved die. A couple of things you might look at below. Let me know when you make the changes so I can increase your rating, YNWA. :) Nancy

your withered vertebrae - you've changed POV; consider "her"

the lesion that gorge on your neurons. - S/V agreement: gorges

a ghost against the windows chill. - should that be "window's"?




 Comment Written 17-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 18-Jul-2017
    Thank you so much Nancy, just the sort of review I'm after, advice taken and changes made, thanks again.
    Mitchell
Comment by
Sandra du Plessis
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  2
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  38
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  3
 

#2 Ranked Poet

#3 Ranked Reviewer
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A very well-written heartfelt poem. Our breathing is what keeps us alive. There are many ways we can regulate our breath when we run or do exercises, but there is nothing that can stop us from taking our last breath.


 Comment Written 17-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 17-Jul-2017
    Thank you so much Sandra
Comment by
BeasPeas
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  13
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  117
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  10
Review Stars
  Rank:  23
 

#10 Ranked Novelist
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This is a potent poem that tries and does describe what possibly occurs as death nears, the struggle for breath, the moisture provided by a grape's juice on the tongue. Very descriptive throughout of the way it was and the way it is. You pull words from the air that seemingly don't go together and yet they blend into a cohesive write. A pleasure to read. Marilyn


 Comment Written 17-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 17-Jul-2017
    What a wonderful review Marilyn, thank you so much for the kind words and fantastic rating
Comment by
Mrs Happy Poet
 
Review Stars
  
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Hello nay friend this is well written it must be heartbreaking to watch someone take their last breath you bring this to life with feeling and emotion well done again regards Jill


 Comment Written 17-Jul-2017



reply by the author on 17-Jul-2017
    What a wonderful review, thank you so much Jill, for your kind words and fantastic rating
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