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Reviews from
Where Red Poppies Sway


A soldier's pledge

  65 total reviews 
Comment by
Tier V. King
 
Review Stars
 
 
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Hello, my friend: I could see why this poem won, "Poem of the Month!" It is a poem rich with expression, of the horror, of war but the bravery that the men and woman displayed in going forward without hesitation into these battles.

I am in love with your poetry. The way you express yourself poetry grabs my heart each time and holds it so lovingly. It is so smooth and cool - like sweet jazz and good wines, but all of the great and wonderful things from god. Yours is a true gift from God. You should shout it from the roof tops and mountains. It is so clear that you are so gifted. I am speechless.

Okay now that I have gotten that off of my chest:

"Red poppies sway as the sun bows its head to the freshening breeze
Bronzed, autumn too creeps as summer's frayed coat snags on gnarls of trees
The piper laments shorn lives of men, long asleep of cruel deeds
They'll not quiver of time, so remind how silent valour bleeds"

Unopened my mouth, lest I shout, thus silent the words that bray
Yet would say, as death my door too mark..." not this day, not this day"

Where skips the child in gentle song, as bright blossoms rouse in play
In salute stand, again to death say..."not this day, not this day"

This poem begins so strong and so powerfully awesome. It stays this way all throughout. I read it with a lump in my throat - when I thought of the fear these soldiers must have carried but could not give heed to it - I get sick to my stomach.

You share what some must have said, twice, when you entered,
"not this day, not this day."

I seldom like to think of war and the horrible battles these brave mean and women give themselves to for the sake of their countries. I look to the day when all war would be a thing of the past, just like this wicked old system of things, as we call it in spiritual words. I look to the promise that one day this all of this would be a thing of the past.

I don't know if you are a spiritual man but I have seen some references in your poetry to people of faith. I hope that i don't offend you if I share a few scriptures with your about the hope that we have regarding wars on the earth.

Psalm 37:9-11,29
King James Version (KJV)
9 " For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth. 10 For yet a little while, and the wicked shall not be: yea, thou shalt diligently consider his place, and it shall not be. 11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
29 The righteous shall inherit the land, and dwell therein for ever."

Revelation 21: 4 - King James Version
4And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away

Isaiah 2:4 : - King James Version - And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.

This poem is fabulous!


 Comment Written 26-Oct-2017



reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
    As you go through my portfolio dear T, you bring aspects of lines and couplets as verse, that even I now see in a different light. I now see some lines of good poetry. I say that because as you write, you write, and you release when satisfied it has reached ones own standards, but that's mostly all, one never sees the true beauty of certain lines..UNTIL..such as you, dear marvelous lady, points out the various. It is then, one truly believes in ones own writing, or even, better still, gets the endorsement needed to believe.

    You honor me so, for reading the little excerpts that you have taken out, makes me wonder if I wrote them...lol, sounds strange, but at the time do not feel this good. I can't tell you how much I am grateful that you like my work...its so much more than I could wish for, for it is as you that will propel me on to forwards. Thank you, thank you. And I like how you connect faith to it, for you know, though I seldom mention, its always within my work as a private wave.

    Than you so much. Extraordinary review.
    Have a beautiful day, my dear friend.
    So appreciative of you. Best wishes and love to you and your family...you just hang in there and keep that strength that I know you have.
    RG

reply by Tier V. King on 26-Oct-2017
    Thank you so much RG: Your work also makes me want to be better. After I read your work I want to dig deeper. I want to study writing to be a better writer. You are indeed and inspiration to me and I know that there are possibly many who do feel this way about your work. You are here for many of us.

    I do know that the reason God had saved my life so many times - is because he does want me to write about it all. It reveals him, that he is here, a loving and True God, merciful and full of forgiveness.

    I dealt with some pretty terrible people in my past, marrying into a really bad situation but God never gave up on me and I never stopped trying to explain him to those who do not know but were reaching.

    I am here in Fan Story to learn to write better. I am here for that push, that inspiration that will help me write the great story about His constant saves and shows of His existence. I am here to see how the greats write their stories and I will now seek some education to perfect my skill. This is what I get from your work. There are some great writers here but your work, each and every thing you have ever written is so amazing.

    I am just so grateful that I could read you work as it is available for me here. I am thinking that I may not sign up for the second year here. My profile will expire in January 2018. I am hoping that you will publish so that I could still read your poetry. Yet while I am still here I will continue to read as much of it that I could. By January I plan to have read everything in your portfolio.

    Please my friend, my inspiration, have a marvelous day.

reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
    I thought about you the other day and your writing. I hope to email you with a little more depth of how I think your improvement could benefit in a certain way, as I have been studying your writing. With view to enhance. When and when not good to use personal pronouns determimers, strthening lines...and key...my quote ...in poetry..apart from the soul..."Saying something, without saying it" I am going to review your works, not all, but at least one a week or two...properly...so I'm going to be hard on you where warranted, as well praing the good, so be prepared. This way will add to your improvement, as well mine, noticing the traits. I think you are caught between two strong elements and features. A song-like -rap-like quality, and that studious excellence that I have seen you write, and there is a definite blend of the two at times. I would like to see you take the studious road, as this is where you will be listened to as a person and not as a product. The other must be your go-to formula which you can call on in certain works or deviations. Its always good to have many styles, but your main must instant attention as signifies you, by even just reading the first ten lines. Your subject matter is always spot on, and your mind finds the right way, as well as right themes, for it is naturally you, and that is what is needed. We can never escape ourselves, but we can incorporate the virtues of.

    Don't be too quick to leave here, for one of the things I have found, is...as soon as you get over the psychology of accolades and who is better at what , and asking yourself if my work is as good and put behind titles, stars, and praises...even thigh, the right praises and thoughts of direction are invaluable, and needed, you will fall into the folds of your writing, bettering yourself, bettering your deliveries, fine tuning your wording. And, do you know how you will see the improvements, without someone telling you each month? By looking back. You will look back on works written a year or two, hence, you will see the differences. You will know when ready, for step 3, whatever that may be. I am still balancing on the am I completely ready....so I write on, and only I will know when to push the button, as you will, for it is as you that gets me nearer. We'll get there T. No rush, what will be will be. If God gave us a gift, let it manifest in its time, with the help of yourself.

    Do not ever forget, that you quoted "God Believed in me" as you do Him...but you never forget, that is not enough, and I say that in the nicest way possible, for you forget the main thing;
    YOU MUST BELIVE IN YOU!

    Be well dear friend...we will climb together there, and I am not looking for any quick way, just the right way.
    RG

reply by Tier V. King on 26-Oct-2017
    Well, this is surely a blessing. I am honored that you would want to help me. I want to remain extremely humble so I will try to remember that each time you do help me. As I stated before, I did not go all the way in school so yes, I have been afraid to really go on with my writing. It's just that I do have so much to write about that must be written. YWMA and ideasaregems have both offered to help but I have not as yet taken them up on their offer.

    I now see that there are truly those here that really only want the best for me and I appreciate this so much. I can not express to you just how much I truly appreciate your offer to help me better my self in my writing abilities.

    I do have a problem with believing in myself as you have pointed out. I believe that I could become a better writer but I have put it off for so long that I sometimes wonder if I ever will.

    Well, this is finally the day that I will say okay to the help. I will PM you my e-mail.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you...

reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
    There is cretaive writing, and there is what I call, dynamic writing, yet, still keeping hold of your form and person, and both you mentioned are good writers. Where I am going is the why's and why nots and how they make a difference, though with me it took time to find out why some things sound and read well, whether or not the adjectives and nouns are of the best qualities.

    You just keep writing, its already in place. I have much faith in you.
    Best wishes.

    RG
Comment by
Joan E.
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  42
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  36
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Kudos on having your poem be so well received in the contest, and thank you for your additional notes of context. I admired your mono-verse rhyme and use of personification and vivid imagery. Sighs--and well worth six stars- Joan


 Comment Written 07-Oct-2017



reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
    Thank you, Joan. Tell me, could you hear the audi when you opened the poem as the all the audios on this work and all others seem not to be working. I am trying to see if it is done by Fanstory or my computer. Thank you for reviewing, Joan. Have a great day

reply by Joan E. on 07-Oct-2017
    I'm sorry I forgot to let you know I could not hear the audio, since I got so caught up in your words. Ask Tom or one of his minions to help troubleshoot the problem. Best wishes- Joan

reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
    Thank you, Joan. I think it strange that suddenly under poem of the month all files have stopped working including the one being voted on. Thank you

reply by Joan E. on 07-Oct-2017
    Please call it to Tom's attention--I hope he can resolve the problem quickly. -J

reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
    Honestly, I think I have had enough. I asked, and one of the advisers wrote back saying, not aware of problems. That is all the answer you get. And we don't know from where the advisrers are. Strange . Thank you so much Joan

reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
    Joan..I found the problem. If you are using the old site, at the top if blank where the notices should be you have to right click and allow plugins from the site...the new site you should be able to hear the audio...Thank you so much. I nearly gave up...being trying to solve all day...I might have expected just a little more help or understanding from the support side. Best wishes.

reply by Joan E. on 07-Oct-2017
    I am sorry the help was not forthcoming, but I'm glad you finally solved the problem. Here's to better support in the future- Joan
Comment by
Contests
 
 

Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for the recognition this post has received from the FanStory community. While this was not a Contest Committee decision, the committee recognizes this achievement with a seven star review.


 Comment Written 19-Sep-2017



reply by the author on 19-Sep-2017
    Thank you, very much Committee
Comment by
Aussie
Premier Author
Kace
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  102
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  72
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  150
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Wonderful poem/story of those who did not come home. You truly are a gifted writer and I do respect your writing, especially this one.
"At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them."
The poppies of Flanders are beautiful and make tourists remember fallen soldiers that fought and died that we may live. "Christ died that we may live." There is no death only transition to eternal life. Excellent work my friend. XXK.


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2017



reply by the author on 04-Sep-2017
    Dear Ausie. I just went to your profile as an insight to your person, and feel full of admiration for your courage and outlook to life. This lifts and motivates me, for we, all, have short lives, however long they are.
    It is people like you who inspire me to write with feeling.
    Would love to write something to one of your paintings as a tribute and good of memory.
    Thank you so much for the six stars and support.
    Have a beautiful day.
    RG

reply by Aussie on 04-Sep-2017
    Thanks so much RG. Not painting at present, just came out of hospital. Watch this space! Much love, Kay. XX
Comment by
victortouche
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  60
Author Rating For Short Works
 
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  Rank:  547
 
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My friend, please never take the forthcoming suggestions as any indication I don't respect your writing.

You sometimes become lost in my crypticness, so to speak.
I sometimes become lost in your heavy word play.

The first stanza is what troubles me. It is hard for me to follow. Would these minor cuts change too much?

1.red poppies sway as (the) sun....leave out (the).
2.line two-leave out (too), make creep-(creeps)
Then stanza rocks. (for me)

Your extensive vocabulary always shines.

Second stanza-shouldn't "too" be (to)?

See? Stanza three is so good. I accept the (the) before lark, but prefer only lark and robbin as next line has "the" child...

In my opinion, which of course carries no authority but my own, you write far, far too well-to be encumbered by the definite articles. No?

No matter, you maintain a depth far beyond man's mortal ken when you write.

Nicely done,

Doug


 Comment Written 02-Sep-2017



reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
    Victor, I like that you make suggestions my humble friend, and it is with all reference to enhance the write...which I love. Yes, creeps I changed recently from brays, but forgot to add the s as I was working around a plural before it.
    I think with, 'too' it is a vocabulary thing I suspect. In English, school English. It is a very refined tool, or word to use in the aspect it is used in...not so familiar I can think with oversees, but you will find it used in many of my poems...it means ' as well as', but very much a shortened refined way of saying. When using ''too'' in this respect it adds to the emotion instead of having two separate things to say...therefore I say, as well as the sun bowing its head in the freshening breeze....double jeopardy for autumn is also closing in while summer fades drastically. So, 'too' keeps these emotions together rather than just listing them one after another, by which one loses the potency in mind. I haven't heard anyone yet use it this way, perhaps not familiar, yet, it is always good to hear from another excellent writer as to what he or her could suggest. I hope you can see around why it is used in that respect. I actually like its usage where it can be used this way.

    I think my friend, I would have to keep ''the sun'' as ''sun'' would simply mean rays of it, and I think because the sun is being personalized with bowing its head, I must refer to the sun itself rather than just the rays of it where' sun' could be used.


    As to 'too' in the second stanza...no, should not be 'to'

    ''Yet, would say, as death my door too mark.''

    There it is again, the same usage where ''too'' plays a vital role for without it, there would be no connection to the fact that death had ALSO marked their door, and they are dead. The emphasis that too adds here is that ''death came and marked their door (metaphor for death calling them home or more direct, them dying) therefore means that death also asks his life, but he deifies and once again promises, or pledges, not to die that day. So, 'too' only adds the fact that he is confronted by death AS well as they were, and differently, he resists where they were taken...so it binds him and his comrades with the same question. That is why 'too' is used there...so once again, 'too' very important there.


    ''Hear your voices with the lark and robin sing a summer's day ''

    Your last request to take away 'the'...my friend, you are certainly not wrong, it could be without...all it is...is dynamic writing, it gives more emphasis to the two species of birds, and a key point is the word before, '' with''

    If I was using ''where'' instead of with,
    ''Hear your voices where lark and robin sing a summer's day''

    That would be much better without ''the'' in front, gives another feel to the whole sentence...so you are not wrong my friend, either or. But, as you see, the lines are 15 syllable lines, all, so it would give one short and no better word, in a dynamic sense, than 'the' (determined form of the birds)

    Excellent feedback, and know that I have taken your suggestions seriously, but again try to show you the angles I am coming from, which are some of my trademarks in writing.

    Thank you so much dear friend. I will go directly and change creep to creeps...a mistake.
    My best wishes...and thank you again.
    RG

reply by victortouche on 02-Sep-2017
    Thank you so much for such an excellent response. Perhaps you and I can talk privately about "too." Ha ha. I understand much better why now. But don't think I have ever been taught the complexity of its use like this before. You really do write divinely and I'm so glad you took no offense. Doug

reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
    Never, my friend, never.
    Thank you, for that is why we review, because it also opens the door to the author's angle of things which also offers other ways of writing.
    My best to you.
Comment by
l.raven
Premier Author
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  Rank:  93
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Hi Roy, I know our fallen will never be forgotten...and on every Veterans Day I always stop to get a poppy flower...in memory of our men and women who died for us...and are still doing so...I love your poem my sweet friend...you have a wonderful way with words...so very well written...and your picture speaks for itself...love Linda xxoo


 Comment Written 31-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
    Thank you so much dear friend. Wishing you a gracious evening.
    My best
    R G

reply by l.raven on 02-Sep-2017
    you are so welcome Roy...and all the best to you my friend...love xxoo
Comment by
Walu Feral
 
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G'day mate.

It seems ages since I've seen your name pop up (Pardon the pun.)

A great tribute to all the brave souls who have fallen in the duty of saving the rest of us.

Very well written and presented as always.

Cheers Fez


 Comment Written 31-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017
    Been also away a while, but thank you for looking in on this. My very best to you, and best wishes to your loving family. Keep striding on Feral. Good to hear from you.
    Best wishes.
    RG
Comment by
Unspoken94
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
A very sobering piece and it is such a tribute to those
who sacrificed everything for what they believed needed
fighting for. What makes this so important to me is the
way you avoid politicizing the issue. Masterful, as
always.
Have missed you. Hope you are okay. -Bill


 Comment Written 30-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017
    Hey, Bill. Missed you too my friend. Just easing back though not fully so apologise if I missed any work as I love to read from you. I hope your journey has been fruitful. I have been out a couple of months hoping to rekindle motivation, nothing to do with writer's block...luckily don't ever suffer from that....fingers crossed. Looking forward to read from you as you are one that always motivate me with your depth.
    Thank you my friend. Good to have your support.
    Thanks for the super six.
    My best wishes.
    RG
Comment by
Poetic Friend
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  Rank:  181
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  Rank:  261
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Welcome back, my friend. I was hoping you would return soon. FanStory missed your poetic voice, which is one of compassion and elegance.


Wow, I shed a tear or two as I read this poem of a fallen veteran. Your told his story well, using several poetic devices (internal rhymes, imagery, personification, andmetrs). Your ending couplet says it all and leaves the reader pondering.

Thank you of the information on the red poppies, thank you for this exceptional poem, and thank you for returning to FanStory.


 Comment Written 30-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017
    And my dearest, Author. Good, so good to hear from you. Hope all is well with mom. You have a fine voice yourself, and so good to hear it, personally or publicly.

    I must have missed some of your old work but looking forward to the new.
    Thank you so much for the six stars.
    My best to you.
    RG
Comment by
Pantygynt
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  Rank:  29
 

#4 Ranked Novelist
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A finer in memoriam style poem that pays tribute to the fallen. The mono-rhyming quatrains work well with the instances of cross and internal rhyme as well. These devices hammer home the feeling of sacrifices made.


 Comment Written 30-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
    Thank you ginty, much appreciated. Thank you for taking the time.
    My best wishes.
    RG
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