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Reviews from
Whisker


Death - Metaphorically speaking

  40 total reviews 
Comment by
rama devi
May All Beings Be Happy
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  59
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  114
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I love this! Its superb original and imaginative. Voiced with poetic artistry and novel eloquence elevating mundane observations to art.

The opening drew me in. I like the long sentences with run on enjambment but it is over done in the first stanza, I think...please note a few suggestions:

Monotonous, this thrust and steer,
slaloming the floor's fine wooden grains,
trying to gather dead skin,
(and what not)
just laying there, smirking,
as it suffocates every orifice,
nice and settled,
at home, with its feet up,
all across the floor's laminate lid,
like poppies on Remembrance Sunday,(SUGGEST PERIOD HERE)
i(I)t's been a while, maybe even a year,
but now, here I am,
motivated, like a New Year's Day resolution,(--)
a cutter ant marching in cadence,
ready to awash my mind
with gallons of satisfaction,
very therapeutic: vacuum cleaning.


I applaud all the well woven poetic phonetics in phrasing. Bravo! Not listing all those nuances--too many!


the flow is hampered (in some spots) by your punctuation choices, IMHO. Suggestions for your consideration:

**

A tiny thread, white and familiar,
calls out,(.) I abort the thrust, just,
bending,(no ,) to lift a single whisker,

LOVE THIS SIMILE and VOICING:

stuck like a thumb
at the lip of the skirting board's
sardonic glare,

*
as if,(no ,) hitching for a ride,


dead nearly a year now,(.)
m(M)y companion,(--)
even more than that,(:)
my best friend for ten.


POIGNANT and well voices---and superb alliteration of C:

All this time, hiding,
avoiding cleanliness,
camouflaged among
the crumbs, fluff
and shrivelled peas
-reminders of what we had,
a tapering, a finely splintered skein,
now wedged in solitary confinement,
between finger and thumb.


Poignant stanza:

As I settle into my shadow,
comfortable on that sofa we used to share,
and she is snuggled like a button
into the folds of my lap,
it brings it all back,
how my eyes spilt like lily's at a funeral,
the things we have to let go
-as life sweeps up around our feet,
the dust, the fluff
-the cancer.


This line is superb but needs a spag fix:

how my eyes spilt like lily's at a funeral

how my eyes spilt like lilies at a funeral

I further suggest not putting dashes at the start of lines but the end of preceding ones.

It will go in the box,(no ,)
at the garden's foot,
the one that holds her ash,
her name tag
-a dull penny in the dirt,
sentimental gush,
resisting life's unforgiving elbow,(no ,)
as it vacuums away everything,(no ,)
that ever meant something.

the closing stanza (and especially the closing lines) make a powerful impact. Superb imagery, as it has been through all stanzas, and closing note with a poignant punch to it. The punctuation choices are okay there except for the unnatural comma in line one and after the words elbow and everything, but I do suggest alternatives:

It will go in the box
at the garden's foot--
the one that holds her ash,
her name tag--
a dull penny in the dirt,
sentimental gush
(essential sentimental gush),
resisting life's unforgiving elbow
as it vacuums away everything
that ever meant something.



Do let me know if you have questions about the suggestions. This would otherwise be a six, so i am awarding a five in spite of those rough spots.

Brilliant emotional intensity.
Outstanding imagery and creativity.

Loved it.

Warmly, rd


 Comment Written 06-Sep-2017



reply by the author on 10-Sep-2017
    Thank you so much Rama for such a wonderful review
    Mitchell

reply by rama devi on 10-Sep-2017
    Thanks for your wonderful and gracious response, Mitchell. Best, rd
Comment by
Leftkansas
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Free verse is usually not my cup of tea. But your writing talent won me over. Sometimes the role of "family" is best filled by a pet. This seems to be what you found. I also have written about death of a loved one from a very different point of view. You can read "Forsaken Passage" on this site if you are inclined to do so.


 Comment Written 27-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 27-Aug-2017
    What a wonderful review, thank you so much for your kind words and fantastic rating
    Mitchell
Comment by
bichonfrisegirl
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  435
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Terrific! Six star worthy and then some! One never knows what treasures they'll find when vacuuming. In this instance it was a beloved cat's whisker, and with it came a flood of memories to open the floodgates.

Such a unique way with words, you have, that truly captivates and awes your reader. I loved every line, but the line that really struck me ... "essential sentimental gush"! ... yes, those feelings have to get out somehow.

Fantastic write, Mitchell! ~ ~ Connie


 Comment Written 21-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
    What a lovely review Connie, thank you so much for such kind words and fantastic rating
    Mitchell
Comment by
DALLAS01
Level 1 Pro
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
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Review Stars
  Rank:  553
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Another winner. Your imagery and word play combine to cause the reader to consider for a moment the un-seemingly small daily events that might trigger an old pain that perhaps we think we'e put to rest.
I share space with a cat who literally studies me as soon as I come in the door and then takes a running leap onto the sofa and orders me with an intent stare that says timeto sit down with me.


 Comment Written 16-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
    Thank you so much for such a wonderful review and fantastic rating...you've made my day

reply by DALLAS01 on 17-Aug-2017
    Welcome.
Comment by
LaRosa
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
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Review Stars
  Rank:  315
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Not knowing where you were going, I smiled, wondered at the genius, to wax poetic about my hated chores.
In the end, I smile, knowing the depth of love that can never be forgotten. My webs, dust, and findings of a world I'd rather pass on, have become the reveries of beauty and love.
God blesses you in even the mundane.


 Comment Written 16-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
    What a wonderful review, thank you so much LaRosa for such kind words and brilliant rating
Comment by
BOO ghost
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Like this:
It will go in the box,
at the garden's foot,
the one that holds her ash,
her name tag
-a dull penny in the dirt,
sentimental gush,
essential sentimental gush,
Collect your doubloon.

GOLD NUGGET. BOO Ghost

Image by Cool Text: Free Logos and Buttons - Create An Image Just Like This


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
    Awww, thanks Boo, for a great review and fantastic rating

reply by BOO ghost on 16-Aug-2017
    Anytime, bud. cheers!
Comment by
Tier V. King
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Ooooooooh and at this one I almost cried. How lovely the remembering but sadness still. It is clear how this person felt about their cat. Is this fiction or biographical? It is so excellently written and I can totally relate. I still have my memories of my dog that died and I cried like a baby right at work, all day at the mere ask of "How is your dog?" I fell apart right there and no one bothered me, just let me do my job while sobbing uncontrollably. I did not realize how much I reall loved that dog. She was my 10 year old son's dog. AMAZING WRITE, as usual.


 Comment Written 15-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
    Hi Tier, it is biographical, this is such a wonderful, heart felt review, thank you so much for such kind words and fantastic rating.
    Mitchell
Comment by
2017 Poet of the Year
Barb Hensongispsaca
Barb Henson
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  8
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  167
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  27
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  84
 

#8 Ranked Poet
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Wow you took my heart and turned it inside out. All the little things in the box brought back such tough memories and it is very hard to lose a member of the family no matter who or what it is. I have lost so many, when I stop to dwell on the love I received over the years, the tears come.
This is exceptional


 Comment Written 14-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
    What a wonderful review Barb thank you so much for such kind words and over whelming rating.
    Mitchell
Comment by
Irish Rain
Level 4 Pro
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  73
Review Stars
  Rank:  177
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I can so empathize with this. Our cat died 4 years ago, October, from cancer. I still come across a stray toy, a speck of blood...(she had an aggressive tumor, that burst)...we still miss her so, and have mostly vacuumed her away. But our hearts will always be full. Lovely, blessings....


 Comment Written 14-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
    A beautiful, heartfelt review, thank you so much for such kind words and fantastic rating.
    Mitchell

reply by Irish Rain on 15-Aug-2017
    You're most welcome, always!!
Comment by
frogbook
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Quite remarkable as always. A flowing, poignant description of dealing with the end. The description of the box filled with little reminders was bittersweet and something I will think about long after the read.


 Comment Written 14-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
    Thank you so much for such a wonderful review.
    Mitchell
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