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Sonnet Poetry Contest
Deadline: In 4 Days

2-4-2 Poetry
Deadline: Nov 30th

True Story Flash
Deadline: Dec 1st

Lune Poetry Contest
Deadline: Dec 2nd

75 Words Flash Fiction
Deadline: Dec 4th


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Reviews from
Goodbye forever...


Rejection

  22 total reviews 
Comment by
Novelist of the Year!
For Six Years!
(2008, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2015 and 2017)
Margaret Snowdon
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
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Review Stars
  
 Rank:  603
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
short, sharp and to the point, Hitch - cleverly thoughtout.
Such a waste of life as time heals most everything.

no wonder this is a winner - congratulations.

Margaret


 Comment Written 27-Sep-2017



reply by the author on 28-Sep-2017
    Thank you very much for the excellent review Mmagare, im glad you liked it 😊
Comment by
Caveman1
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Very well illustrates the science completely. I just can't how this short piece is written. It tells a back story, middle and what's to come. Awesome job!


 Comment Written 26-Sep-2017



reply by the author on 26-Sep-2017
    Thank you very much for the exceptional review caveman😊 I appreciate your thoughts and praise. Hitch
Comment by
Bill O'Bier
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Congratulations on your win!! Great write. Too bad for the protagonist in this piece. I think that rejection can be a blessing because it's the universe's way of saying that there's something better for us out there.

All the best...


 Comment Written 24-Sep-2017



reply by the author on 24-Sep-2017
    Thank you for the excellent review Bill, I was delighted with the win mate😊 Hitch
Comment by
dragonpoet
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  88
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  Rank:  65
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
He must of really loved this girl to kill himself when she said no to marriage. Maybe he depended on what he felt was love or she played the wicked game and found someone else. But it is so sad. Your few word were full of emotion and images of a proposal gone very wrong.

Congrats on winning the contest.

Keep writing


 Comment Written 23-Sep-2017



reply by the author on 23-Sep-2017
    Thank you very much for the congratulations and excellent review friend😊 im glad you liked it. Hitch

reply by dragonpoet on 23-Sep-2017
    You're welcome on both accounts. Joan
Comment by
Contests
 
 

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A contest winning entry! A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for posting the winning contest entry.


 Comment Written 22-Sep-2017



reply by the author on 23-Sep-2017
    Thank you !!!
Comment by
Ric Myworld
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  656
 
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Wow, now this is a picture burnt into my brain, and I hope it won't become a reoccurring flashback. It's hard to make an impression with a 100 words, much less a haunting one. Great job. :-)


 Comment Written 01-Sep-2017



reply by the author on 01-Sep-2017
    Than you very much for the excellent review Ric, I'm real glad you liked it mate : ) Hitch
Comment by
pbomar1115
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  Rank:  126
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This person with the broken heart reminded me when I had one. But I did not want to die. I have known people like that. I guess it would be easy to know why some want to do themselves in after being rejected by the love of his life.


 Comment Written 27-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 27-Aug-2017
    Thank you very much for the exceptional review friend. I'm delighted to know you rate it so : ) My brother has just lived through such a nightmare 18months ago...
    My brothers fifteen year old daughter split with her boyfriend of two months, Yes, that's two months. He told her if she didn't get back with him he would kill himself. This stressed her out but she still said no I don't want to be with you anymore... He killed himself : ( She lost it and went off the rails for a good six months, drugs alcohol etc. It almost tore his family apart. My mother stepped in and got her to live with her for a year in another town which finally sorted her out... so f#cking tragic!! Hitch

reply by pbomar1115 on 27-Aug-2017
    I hope the best for your niece.

    Phillip
Comment by
IndianaIrish
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  Rank:  196
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Hi Hitch! A powerful flash fiction with a strong emotional ending. I do have a few things to suggest which you can consider or toss.

John frost finished writing the letter with tear filled eyes. At first I thought you meant frost to be John's last name (which I thought was perfect for the story and his situation!) and missed capitalizing it. But used as irrritated or angry, it should be written as frost-finished with a hyphen. Also, tear filled eyes needs to have a hyphen as well...tear-filled eyes.

cd needs to be capitalized CD.

Best wishes in the contest.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)


 Comment Written 26-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 27-Aug-2017
    Thank you Kar, as always you offer constructive and on point critique friend, it was meant to be Frost, tear-filled is now so and CD is capitalized... THANkYOU !! I hope everything is OK with you friend, haven't seen you on site for awhile? Hitch
Comment by
closetpoetjester
Metronomaniacal
Tendancies
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  124
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  Rank:  324
 
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
"With tear filled eyes" didn't feel quite right, a little awkward, heavy or bulky, but not clumsy LOL
I think the opener HAS to draw you in.

What about something like:

"Eyes filled with tears, John Frost finished writing the letter. Despair flowed freely from the wound that was his ruptured heart."

BTW I also felt the elipses weren't necessary. They usually indicate trailing off but yet a continuance. With respect I felt they were two clearly separate statements.
Just my opinion. I'll always be honest.

I'm not a story writer so please take this with a grain of salt.

I'm also a huge advocate of using different ways to start your sentence but saying exactly the same things...sometimes even a little reverse syntax but what the hell.

"He pressed play on the cd player"...a little ordinary maybe
What about
"Pressing play on the cd player, he..."

See?
Just my thoughts.
With that said, I don't profess to know diddly squat except what comes to me about a piece when I read it.

And I would never blow

smoke up your...well, you know.


I hate doing this, but it's a four. I think it needs a little tweak to give it more impact.
Remember it's a short piece so give it everything in the tank.


Oh shit, you did?!
LOL

Sorry haha

Nahhh, I KNOW you can take it like a man.

Cheers P

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 24-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
    A four!! A f#cking four, you're so lucky I CAN take it like a man : ) Hey, I don't really consider myself a story writer either P, I'm a fledgling story writer who's just flapping his wings poised on the edge of the nest getting ready to jump and see what happens : )
    That said I have changed the first line with a quick shuffle and somehow lost the ellipses : )
    I'm keeping ' he pressed play on the cd player though' but thank you matey. I Always enjoy the honesty of your reviews no matter what rating they come with, though I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the sixilicious ones more. LOL Hitch

reply by closetpoetjester on 25-Aug-2017
    Honey, I'm sorry
    LOL

    Like I said, I KNEW you could take the heat haha

    I'm sure some sixalish will be visiting your shexy shores shoon

reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
    No need to be sorry mate, I CAN take it, you know it!!
    Did I tell you me and the family are off to Vietnam in three weeks for a 2 week holiday? Can't wait, kids are almost as excited as me and Moana : ) Hitch

reply by closetpoetjester on 25-Aug-2017
    No!
    Sounds awesome...have a great time.
    I bet you will

reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
    You better believe it : )
Comment by
frierajac
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
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This is an interesting written piece. Enough said in 100 words to write an entire short story. The picture goes with the thought. The wooden beam in the kitchen is quite handy , so I wonder if the word choice could have included something about the song?


 Comment Written 21-Aug-2017



reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
    Thank you for the excellent review frierajac! I love that song, ( it was played at my wedding ). I thought that particular line from the song perfect for the direction of the story at the time I slotted it in BUT not the basis of the story. I think rejection and suicide fit in with Goodbye Forever... Hitch
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