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Reviews from
A Secret Worth a Final Breath


A secret balance between life and death

  12 total reviews 
Comment by
Sasha
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Sasha
 
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I know I am late getting to this but I have been recuperating from my cataract surgery. I love the way you wrote this. I was a bit confused in the beginning but once I realized she was referring to herself, it all became clear. Great work with this one and I sincerely wish you all the best.


 Comment Written 18-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 19-Jan-2018
    THANK YOU FOR YOUR VERY GENEROUS REVIEW AND ALL THE STARS.
Comment by
F. Wehr3
 
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Nice work on this flash piece, Ingrid. I enjoyed the way you crafted this piece. Best of luck in the contest.

I retraced my steps, and slipped back into the hospital bed, --Suggest no comma after steps.

Good luck,
Russell


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
    Thanks so much for the alert. Those commas still baffle me at times. Appreciate the review.
Comment by
N.K. Wagner
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Excellent, Ingrid. Sadly, too many writers are using the gay thing these days and it blunts the impact of Jake's fear and confusion. Harry is making his son's life hell. Jake's mother should be protecting her son from this emotional abuse. Unfortunately, Grandma can no longer be Jake's confidante and champion. What a tragedy. Very well done. :) Nancy


 Comment Written 07-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
    Happy New Year, old friend. Yes, trying to figure our one's sexuality when puberty jangles the hormones and emotions run awry is a difficult and lonely time of life. Those not wired to fall into automatic expectations have to struggle with their personal truths. It's funny, one reviewer asked me why it was a big deal the kid might be gay. I wonder what world he lives in...lol.

    Thanks for the stars. How are the puppies and George?

reply by N.K. Wagner on 07-Jan-2018
    George is doing much better with his spinal stimulator in place. He needs far fewer meds. My hip replacement has been a blessing. No more pain at all. We lost our Molly to the canine version of ALS. At 13-1/2, Storm is just starting to slow down. Litter mates Ranger and Lori just turned 2. They're hellions. I should have a book of poetry/ photos out this year. About 100 pages. P&S is doing well. May will be 6 years. Miss you, my friend. :) Nancy
Comment by
giraffmang
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2018 2nd for short works
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Hi Ingrid,

very nice piece here. I was wondering who the narrator was as I was reading through. It wasn't until she decided to leave that I twigged on.

I have a feeling this should do well.
G

I heardAnna rebuke her husband- space needed after heard here.



 Comment Written 06-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
    Thanks for the heads up in the spag. Hope you've published since I last dropped in. Happy New Year.
Comment by
Sharon Haiste
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I think this is a good submission for the Flash Fiction - A Secret writing prompt.
Well said and well told. A good story.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon


 Comment Written 06-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 06-Jan-2018
    Many thanks.
Comment by
apky
 
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Very intriguing narrator whose identity escaped this reader to the very end of the story. This was really well done and suspenseful. I think I've know one or two Anna's in my life - married to absolute tossers but still thinks the sun shines out of their backholes.

Anna what she saw un(in) Harry(separate)she defended him with a list of attributes that sounded like a shopping list for a job candidate.


 Comment Written 05-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
    Thank you very much, especially for the spag. Greatly appreciated. I have very poor eyes and this was very helpful.
Comment by
robyn corum
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Hey, girl,

Nice one. This is one of the nicest stories I've seen in a while, composition-wise. Nice twist at the end. It doesn't QUITE work for me as it is, but with some adjustments, could be perfect. When it is, I would suggest submitting it to WOW -Women on Writing's Flash Fiction Contest - runs quarterly. You can find it at:

http://www.wow-womenonwriting.com/contest.php#FlashFictionContest

In the meantime, please look at the following:
1.) The afmily haveredm, starubg at the old woman
--> huh?

2.) Desperate for fresh air, I ran towards the front doors of the hospital. Outside the fresh spring air filled
--> 'fresh' x 2

3.) Okay, so this is supposed to be the grandma - nice touch, but in the images you've created for us, it seems that Jake is actually the one closest to the grandma in the bed. How can she be saying these things to the daughter and not having Jake hear them? Doesn't seem to quite work for me. I'd like it better if she came back and Jake was out of the room, maybe...

That's it. Thanks a heap and much good luck!



 Comment Written 04-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 04-Jan-2018
    My edits scrambled the first line. Eyes have turned to poop. She's actually thinking back when talking to her daughter--all in her mind--but obviously not clear. Will correct. Great info/. Thanks for the great review. ingrid
Comment by
patcelaw
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This was a good read and I was totally surprised at the flash ending. You have always had a way of telling and showing what is happening in a story/ Blessings for a great New Year. Patricia.


 Comment Written 04-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 04-Jan-2018
    thank you for your kind words. HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Comment by
kiwisteveh
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OK you caught me there with the 'slipping back into the hospital bed' line. Momentary confusion until I worked out who the 'narrator' was, and then I back-tracked to see if there'd been any clues...

Nice trick, but I think you cheated a bit by having her refer to herself in the third person, and the very first words, 'I stared at the old woman' are hard to accept. I get it that it's an out of body experience, but maybe you could dispense with that forst paragraph altogether.

Apart from that, beautifully done. Good luck.

Steve


 Comment Written 04-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 04-Jan-2018
    Thank you for your kind words. You're probably right, but it was a deliberate choice to write in first person as an observer until she returned to unite with her body for the last time.

reply by kiwisteveh on 04-Jan-2018
    Yep. First person observer is fine and if she's out of body, she would be able to observe herself too. I still think "I stared at the old lady..." is too blatant a piece of misdirection... and would she refer to herself in that way? Maybe even a little hint like "I stared at the empty husk of an old woman's body..."

reply by the author on 04-Jan-2018
    Your opinion means a lot to me. I changed the first paragraph to say the FAMILY stood staring at the old woman. Thanks again.
Comment by
Terry Arnold
 
 
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I stopped at my first reading when I had to think that phlegm was a noun and hacking was an adjective for the coughing. It was also sort of a jolt for me when the dying grandmother told her daughter that Jake thought he was gay. What does being gay have to do with it? He could be just an emotional grandchild who truly loved his grandmother. Otherwise, I enjoyed reading this piece of work.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.


 Comment Written 04-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 04-Jan-2018
    uPON YOUR ADVICE, i CHANGED THE WORD TO PHLEGM-RIDDEN. i VERY DELIBERATELY CHOSE TO WRITE IN FIRST PERSON UNTIL i UNITED WITH BODY AND SPIRIT, CASTING THE OLD WOMAN AS A THIRD PARTY. IT WORKS FOR SOME, AND NOT FOR OTHERS. tHANKS FOR THE REVIEW.
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