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Deadline: In 3 Days

My Faith
Deadline: Oct 30th

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Deadline: Oct 31st

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Deadline: Oct 31st

Haiku
Deadline: Nov 2nd


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Reviews from
Human Error (haibun)


Hawaii missile crises

  10 total reviews 
Comment by
2019 Script Writer of the Year
Bill Schott
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  30
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  11
Author Rating For Novels
  Rank:  11
Script Rating
  Rank:  3
Review Stars
  Rank:  8
 

#3 Ranked Script Writer
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This haibun, Human Error, captures the mindset of a person waiting for the bomb to drop. Such honest and chilling reactions give us pause as to what the costs of nuclear war are. Survival is neither a guarantee or expectation. The haiku that follows gives new meaning to the phrase, God's Waiting Room . Nice.


 Comment Written 24-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 24-Jan-2018
    I still wonder how the people in Hawaii survived the emotional rollercoaster of that day. A horrific life-changing few hours. Thank you
Comment by
rama devi
May All Beings Be Happy
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  52
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  109
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Outstanding entry. The intensity in pitch is dramatic and effective. Excellent descriptive imagery, deep POV and closing AHA. Excellent haibun style. Excellent metaphors. Some stand out lines as well. Bravo.

NOTES

POTENT LINE: Yesterday's sanctuary, home becomes my designated tomb.

Excellent use of short staccato sentences for swift intensity in pacing, like here:

No time--phone lines jammed--no goodbyes.

*
Scorrched coffee

scorched


Potent juxtaposition of mundane action and intense emotion:

Mechanically, I gather up breakfast dishes and fill the sink with water taking comfort in the soapy familiarity until the absurdity reduces me to guttural laughter, dissolving into hopeless tears.

Potent line:

Nothing I do will make the slightest bit of difference--not a thing.
Potent line:

The flimsy protection of glass and mortar will not protect me from hatred.


*The thick scent--flowers I planted--blossoms I nurtured--they cloak and comfort me as I walk in my tropical garden and let the world drop away.

Spaggish. Suggest:

The thick scent--flowers I planted, blossoms I nurtured--cloak and comfort me as I walk in my tropical garden and let the world drop away.


*I want to kaugh or cry--feel something.

laugh (spelling)

*I'm numb, already dead.(ADD SPACE)I accept my fate.


Potent AHA in the closing line of the three-liner:

clinging to the sea
lush green island paradise
God's waiting room


A strong contender for my vote.

Warmly, rd


 Comment Written 24-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 24-Jan-2018
    Miss RD. Receiving a review from you is like standing under a rainbow. I haven't submitted for a long time and had forgotten how meaningful your feedback has always uplifted as well as educate the contrivutors. Thank you for the generous review. Getting six stars from you is a great honour. Corrections mad.

reply by rama devi on 24-Jan-2018
    AW, thanks. What a super sweet thing to say. So glad to be of help, and glad you found the feedback useful - and welcome back!

    Warm Smiles, rd
Comment by
MissMerri
Merri, Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  20 (+1)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  161
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This was a magnificent haibun, just as I imagine a haibun should be... with short, descriptive sentences creating a clear and vivid scene and the emotional impact of that scene, ending with a beautifully crreated haiku. It was perfect and I had to overlook the one typo, which is nothing compared to the beauty of this piece. (the finger sometimes slips and types a k instead of an l. I know you didn't mean to do it.) " I want to kaugh or cry.... " Great piece and I wish you first place in the contest. ;p


 Comment Written 24-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 24-Jan-2018
    You are very kind and I thank you for the generous bouquet of stars. Yes,--fat finger--I will correct that typo right away. Thanks so much.
Comment by
robyn corum
Word Twister
Story Catcher
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  15 (+1)
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  13
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  17
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Dear Mystery Writer,

I can't imagine what this message felt like to those who had to experience it. I have to wonder if this was real for you or just imagination -- if this is fiction, it is truly well done. Extremely well done. Thanks for sharing a horror-filled moment. Good luck in the contest.


 Comment Written 21-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 22-Jan-2018
    No, I wasn't there, but I thought about the state if mind of the people who were and was truly horrified. Thanks for reading.
Comment by
Wetbelly01
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Wow!.. This is a great entry for the 'Haibun' contest....
Kind of haunting... Very well written...
I certainly don't see any problems with it...
Well Done as far as I'm concerned!!


 Comment Written 21-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 22-Jan-2018
    Thanks for the kind words, especially the WOW.

reply by Wetbelly01 on 22-Jan-2018
    You're most welcome!
Comment by
Sugarray77
Melissa
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  22
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  64
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A well-written and appropriate Haibun. You used a 'very' current event to develop. A nice story and the haiku was exceptional. Thanks for sharing this with us. Well done.


 Comment Written 21-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 22-Jan-2018
    Thanks so much.
Comment by
James H. Oldfield
Level 2 Pro
 
Poet Rating
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Excellent, another great example of the form.

'Island clinging to the sea' is a particularly lovely line.

Great work, very well done, and best of luck in the contest.

Take care.

-James


 Comment Written 21-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 22-Jan-2018
    Thank you very much.
Comment by
Sharon Haiste
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  82
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  28
Review Stars
  Rank:  88
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is a good Haibun, for the contest.
Well written, well done, and your verse is a perfect match to the story. As it the beautiful picture.
Good luck to you with the competition. You should do well, I would think.
Sharon


 Comment Written 21-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 22-Jan-2018
    Thanks so much.
Comment by
2019 Poet of the Year
Dolly'sPoems
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  2
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  4
 

#2 Ranked Poet

#4 Ranked Reviewer
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is a clever and sombre write, your write is real and honest and I pray it is never true, I wish you luck with the contest, best wishes, love Dolly x


 Comment Written 21-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 22-Jan-2018
    Thank you very much.
Comment by
Alcreator Litt Dear
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  11
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is a nice poem about human error in perspective of Hawaii Missiles crisis, well said, well done, thanks for sharing this with us; good luck for the contest. Keep writing. DR ALCREATOR


 Comment Written 21-Jan-2018



reply by the author on 22-Jan-2018
    Thanks so much.
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