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Reviews from
Secrets of the Rosary


discovering secrets from the past

  5 total reviews 
Comment by
Chrissy710
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  120
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  Rank:  295
 
Excellent
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Wow what a great story I have no sixes left but this is worth one so well done and Your kept my attention and created a good story including the rosary which would not have been an easy subject but you managed to fit it in perfectly. I enjoyed this and wish you good luck in this comtest Cheers Christine. Glad I peeked


 Comment Written 30-May-2018



reply by the author on 30-May-2018
    Thank you very mich gor your kind remarks and review.
Comment by
mvbrooks
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Good
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Overall it's an interesting story. It is much longer than it needs to be and editing for redundancy would make it more compelling. (Also, look for places where you are over-telling the story. The more extra words you use, the less visual (action) for the reader.

Editing suggestions:
In paragraph 2, this sentence seems to be missing some words in the middle to make full sense:
"Jimmy was a brat who'd spent every minute we shared the same air growing up finding ways to terrorize me."

In the beginning, if feels as though you tell us too much--such as telling us you hadn't been to Toronto in 10 years and then ending that same paragraph with how you hadn't been to Canada in 10 years. The writing needs editing to make it tighter and therefore more compelling and inviting.

In paragraph 4:
"and the unfamiliar man's baritone voice." -- this makes it seem that the man is unfamiliar, not his voice. Suggest rewriting as:
and his unfamiliar baritone voice... but using the pronoun "his" the narrator acknowledges that she knows her brother -- but didn't know his voice.

Example to make writer tighter:
original:
"I opened the shutter and stared out at the runway. Passengers were just stirring, but the ground crew was already beside the aircraft unloading luggage."
--omit -- "out" as you could only look out to find the runway so it's unnecessary. consider:

"I opened the shutter and stared at the runway. The ground crew was already unloading luggage."
(they would nave to be "beside the aircraft" to unload luggage, so these are unnecessary words and you've already told us that the plane's passengers were beginning to stir so don't need to repeat it.)


 Comment Written 17-May-2018



reply by the author on 17-May-2018
    You raise excellent points, all valid, and perfect examples of how a writer gets carried away with exaggerated trivia. Thanks for the thoughtful review.
Comment by
bob cullen
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  Rank:  247
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  Rank:  304
 
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The sentence beginning; 'I groaned inwardly,' concluded, 'sorry we did get to talk.' It should have read, 'didn't get to talk.' There are a couple of other faults also. I think it needs an edit.
That aside, the story is exceptionally well told. The dialogue between brother and sister is superb. As is the releasing of the family secrets. Dad a priest and mum a nun, wow. I really enjoyed this post, I wanted to read more. You have whetted this reader's appetite. I believe this has great potential to be developed into a novel.


 Comment Written 17-May-2018



reply by the author on 17-May-2018
    Thank you very much for the alert and kind words,I've4 spent a lot of time editing this pioece and yet still find nits. Greatly appreciated.
Comment by
giraffmang
Level 3 Pro
2018 2nd for short works
2017 Author of the year
 
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  Rank:  255
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  Rank:  24
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Review Stars
  Rank:  305
 
Excellent
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revisited after corrections. Nice.

Hi there,

You certainly came up with a great story here. the object is incorporated seamlessly here. Well crafted tale in which they feature prominently, a great device to a much wider story and revelation. Description were excellent and the tone of the piece fully engaged me throughout.

I really enjoyed this piece.

the rating reflects only the amount of typos which I'll readily up if you let me know they've been addressed-

I hoped it wasn't at me. Had I snored--drooled?" - delete the speech marks from here.

a whit knuckler who thinks booze - white.

He leaned back down and handed me his business card. "

My mane is David Carter. - move the opening speech marks down. and should be name.

"Oh, there're all kinds of secrets in this house, he said - need closing speech marks here.

He said Dad had then in his hand - them.

A fifty-pound back of potatoes stood in the corner - sack?

leaving a stain on the raw limber shelf.- lumber?

I d poured my second drink when Jimmy - I'd.

on the overstuffed so he'd dropped int0 - into.

makes 5things a little more blurry to me now - delete the '5' from here.

if you want to go out to eat out or order in - maybe delete the second 'out' here.

Without knowing my parents history, I'd grown up feeling disconnected. - parents'.

It all change with Jimmy's sudden fascination - changed.

H didn't let go when we hit cruising altitude - He.

"Three or four times a year," but I live in London," - delete the middle speech marks here.

All the best
G


 Comment Written 16-May-2018



reply by the author on 16-May-2018
    You'd think adter countless edits, I'd have got it righ























    I'd think after a half dozen shots art self-editing, U'd have got it right. Thanks for the free editing. It is appreciated. Corrections complete.




    1

reply by the author on 17-May-2018
    Thanks for the 2nd visit.. Wish I could type.

reply by giraffmang on 17-May-2018
    These were obviously all typos though. Some of the stuff... shudder...
Comment by
Swampfox1
 
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A very interesting story. This is a fantastic entry into the contest. What makes it more wondrous is the fact that it is fiction. The way the story is written is as though it is true, it is written from a viewpoint of experience , it is difficult to believe it is fiction. It held my interest from the beginning. It flows very well and I did not find any major mistakes/errors. I had noticed one minor error, barely anything at all. I kept reading cause the story grabbed my interest. I went back to look for it but could not find it. Thanks for sharing.


 Comment Written 16-May-2018



reply by the author on 16-May-2018
    i can assure you it's fiction,.Thanks for taking the time for a long read and review.

reply by Swampfox1 on 16-May-2018
    you're welcome
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