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18 total reviews
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Comment by | | | | | Review Stars
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Well, Jimi,
You certainly had me captivated and stirred, imagining what it would be like to enthrall a beautiful woman and be written about by her in such a wonderfully romantic way.
The imagery was sensational, your moments increasingly stimulating, to say the least ... wonderfully written, smooth and seamless, so convincingly realistic it's stunning, really.
Your imagination is so deeply appealing and effective to the senses I was pulled into you, into your feelings and emotions, as if inside your skin; this takes genuine skill to enchant Me to that degree.
For the end of that penultimate line, I'd spank you if I could, but I loved it at the same time.
Thanks, Dear Jimi, for sharing You and your amazing craft! ~ Richard ; )
PS: What a handsome horse!
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Comment Written 30-Jun-2018 |
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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
Another huge thank you!
Written on the spur of the moment. This horse is simply a sweet heart. Now he is at the fence almost every morning to greet me and he , also, has a buddie who is also a beauty or handsome as we speak of males.
Moving out of Houston was the best decision I have ever made in my life!!!!!
Again another thank you. Now I am on my way to take pics of the beauty around me. Have a great day Richard
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reply by Richard J on 01-Jul-2018
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reply by Richard J on 01-Jul-2018
OOPS!
I hit Save, on a comment with nothing in it ... duhhh!
As a Native born and bred Houstonian, I love getting away, Jimi, and take advantage of every opportunity that comes along; so, I get your drift.
After your reply, I think I shall have a great day, and for You I wish the same. : )
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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
I moved to Houston from Wichita Falls at the age of 14. Have lived a few other places including Dallas for 20 years of my life but most of my life in Houston.
or on the outskirts of Houston
Perhaps one day you may come this way. Let me know and we will go sailing.
Take care
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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
I moved to Houston from Wichita Falls at the age of 14. Have lived a few other places including Dallas for 20 years of my life but most of my life in Houston.
or on the outskirts of Houston
Perhaps one day you may come this way. Let me know and we will go sailing.
Take care
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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
I moved to Houston from Wichita Falls at the age of 14. Have lived a few other places including Dallas for 20 years of my life but most of my life in Houston.
or on the outskirts of Houston
Perhaps one day you may come this way. Let me know and we will go sailing.
Take care
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Comment by| 2019 Short Works Writer of the Year | | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 242 | | | |
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I am so envious. Can you guess why? How I miss all that you describe in this sweet 'love' story. Maybe someday I will be lucky enough to return to that life. For now, I make the best of the city-life bustle - I hide, at least most of the time.
But this beautiful description is so nostalgic for me, and so realistic, it's almost tangible. That, my friend, is skilled writing. Beyond that ability, however, lies what I like to think of as "the magic", the "mystery of the muse", and Jimi, you have it in spades. I've always known it. All the boxes are ticked technically - plot, pace, character-building, action, anchoring the scenes, conflict & resolution, and so on. (Yes, even in nonfiction autobiographical, otherwise the write becomes boring...)
But the literary language, the elegance of emotion that makes the reader feel everything he or she reads - that I can barely describe. It brings us into the story, rather than leave us an interested observer.
You've done that with this write.
"...the most unattractive species of woman he was used to." - add a "d" to "use" and subtract an "o" from "to". The one with two o's is the synonym for "also".
There's one other suggestion I have for you, and this one is more difficult because it's not a correction, as were the other two. It's simply my opinion (although here, on FanStory, I doubt more than a few, or even one, might notice. I don't say that to offend anyone, but it's been my experience here... *sigh*)
As mysterious as you wanted your visiting horse to be, 'he' should be eventually named/identified as a horse (picture or not) because pictures are used to adorn, not to explain.
It's my belief that if a picture is a necessity, rather than mere decoration, something is missing from the writing. In this case, it's that final hook, or "anchor" for your closing scene.
My suggestion: "My hand reaches out instinctively to touch his exquisite face (and he whinnies softly.)
I am in love."
I wish I had saved even one six. They were all gone last night. Regardless, a six (technically) wouldn't do anything for this tale (promote it) I guess. It deserves a galaxy of stars anyway.
Now go win the contest.
XX
Dawn
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Comment Written 25-Jun-2018 |
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reply by the author on 25-Jun-2018
You are right!!! And I love you Dawn!!!
I will change!!!!
Thank you, thank you!!
Jimi
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reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 25-Jun-2018
XX Most welcome, my friend.
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reply by the author on 25-Jun-2018
I am going to try and upload his pic..
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reply by the author on 25-Jun-2018
just put his pic up.. he is so sweet.. now he comes to me every morning..
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reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 25-Jun-2018
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reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 25-Jun-2018
OH! What a beauty! (Great photo, too!)
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reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 25-Jun-2018
Hint: apples and carrots... *grin* But you might end up with ALL of them coming over.
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 238 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 637 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Kace | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 168 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 11 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 58 | | | |
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Hi Jimi,
How different to read you in prose instead of poetry. But the imagery is still there. Stupid me, I forgot the picture of a horse, and thought you were writing about a man. Maybe that's what you intended? I think it is. Not until I got to the part where you touched his face did I sense something wasn't right. That's a bit too familiar, I thought. So I went back and realized, a horse! Leave it to me, eh? But you had me so mesmerized out there in the country, why not a handsome rancher right next door? Did you really do that... move out of the city? I guess you did...it says "True Story contest".
But you are a master at imagery. It was as if I was there with you, standing by the fence as clouds of dew rose from the meadow, sipping strong hot coffee I could almost taste. And then, I could almost hear the noisy city too. Such a contrast to a quiet country morning. No hustle and bustle there.
And then I started imagining this man in the distance, drinking from his own coffee mug. I could picture him in his blue denim jeans and shirt standing there on the other side of the pasture. Distant enough. Unapproachable.
Do you mind if I give you a few suggestions?
"A daily ritual (which is) carried out to my back porch. I sip it slowly, as I scan the awakening horizon (which is) imposing its radiance upon verdant fields of promise." ...(a simple fix
I sip it slowly, while the awakening horizon imposes its radiance upon verdant fields of promise.)
"My new humble abode sits much farther away from neighbors than the city (life) I had grown accustomed to for most of my (life)." ...(perhaps,
My new humble abode sits much farther away from neighbors than the closeness of city life.)
"...and city service workers gathering a weeks refuse." ...(week's refuse)
"... hopefully, discover a new way to create my happiness" ...(I just wonder if we can "create" happiness. I'm thinking "find" or "discover")
"Of course, the two hour commute to and back from work was part and parcel of this life altering decision." ...(life-altering)
"... but I firmly yet gently say no." ...(I suggest,
but I firmly yet gently forbid.)
"Perhaps, I was the most unattractive species of woman he was use too."...I suggest,
Perhaps, I wasn't as attractive as I thought.)
"Achilles (abounds swifty) toward the white oak fence."
(Achilles bounds swiftly toward the white oak fence.)
Such a nice read this morning, Jimi. You live a charmed life, methinks.
cheers
Kimbob
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Comment Written 15-Jun-2018 |
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reply by the author on 15-Jun-2018
Kim bob! I have missed you.
Thank you for the edits, I will get to them. You have always been the best reviewer.,
Yes!!! I moved. Originally more close to the water and then family circumstances took me to the countryside which has enveloped me in contentment.
He is such a handsome lad. He is at the fence this moment as we speak.
A man? No, no... though there is one of those creatures on the horizon. Quite smitten with him too! But I am a bit too reticent about a serious relationship right now. I am just reveling in peace and contentment.
Thank you ....you have made my day.. not only for the review but first and foremost!!!!!.... you are here!! I adore you, always have.
Tell me about what is going on and that beautiful granddaughter of yours. Any more?
Your ardent fan always
Jimi
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reply by Father Flaps on 15-Jun-2018
Hi Jimi
Yes, Alyssa is a big part of our lives. Presently, she has been involved in gymnastics, but that is drawing to a close. This summer, she is enrolled in dancing. And she loves to dance, almost as much as she likes blowing bubbles and painting. She starts kindergarten in September at St. Rose School in Saint John. I'll have to pick her up everyday around 2pm.
I haven't been in Fanstory much at all for over a year now. And the last time I wrote a poem? I don't even remember. Dave Goss wants me to write one about the Frankenstein monster for one of his Walks n Talks he presents around town. But it hasn't hit me yet.
Did you know that I finally got published? I forget if I told you. Sheree Fitch and Anne Hunt have been compiling an anthology of children's literature by Atlantic authors for a few years. They included two of my poems for their book which was released last September. It's called "Whispers of Mermaids & Wonderful Things", published by Nimbus in Halifax, Nova Scotia. It was all so exciting. I had to sign legal documents and everything. There are some well known poets in the book, some deceased... Bliss Carman, Sir Charles G.D. Roberts, Lucy Maud Montgomery, Alden Nowlan, etc.
We are in the middle of building rooms in the basement. Luckily, we have good-sized windows down there, so lots of light and breeze. There will be 3 windows in the rec room, and one in an extra bedroom. It should help us organize things better in this garden home. Open concept is for the birds... if one area is messy, it's all messy!
I watched some of the US Open (golf) yesterday... that course is like a cow pasture! There weren't many golfers under par.
I enjoyed the NHL playoffs, especially while the Toronto Maple Leafs were playing.
But my favorite sport is the NFL, and it's getting closer!
I'd love to see a picture of your new place.
cheers
Kimbob
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reply by the author on 15-Jun-2018
That is so awesome! I love hearing about your life. My granddaughter Alyssa had her 18th birthday yesterday.
I have a lot of pics!!! I live in such peace and contentment.
Send me your email and I will send pics. jlsavell@gmail.com
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
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Rank: 142 | | | |
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