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5-7-5 Poetry Contest
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Deadline: Jun 14th

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Deadline: Jun 16th

Four Line Poem
Deadline: Jun 20th


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Reviews from
Chianti Blues. (chapter 1)


contest entry (chapter 1)

  12 total reviews 
Comment by
Van
 
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Excellent
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Good contest entry. Well written. I could find no SPAGs or mechanical issues to note.
The only reason I paused at giving this a 'six' is because it's obvious that it's part of a larger work or it's going to be part of a larger work. The number of questions that arise due to brevity seem to take away from the overall gist of what's going on. This would be a perfect lead-in to a novella where the reader can find out, as the chapters unfold, what's going on.


 Comment Written 07-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
    Hello there, Van

    I think I screwed up somewhat, by turning this into a chapter rather than a complete story as others have done for this particular competition.

    Saying that... I've been unable to write a damned thing for a good year or so now and although I lean more towards poetry than prose, the prompt's title 'It was a dark and stormy night' helped to unplug my writer's blockage.

    I very much appreciate your thoughts of a sixer and take it as an indication that my attempt wasn't half bad.

    I'll pop over to your profile in a bit and see what ya up too :)

    Kind regards

    and a big thank you.

    tracey



Comment by
Angela Hayes
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Good read, educational, interesting...first post with this image caught my eye
to stop and read, i was captured by the neat display witch i did not see before,
the display is very impressive, reading through it has a good story line, a lot of action...although it was actions by one person it kept the interest, not an appealing personal choice but interesting and educational, it displayed interesting information, the actions were believable as roll play. This could be good as a movie, not focusing on the actual detail but the story line, glad to see it is a fiction post.

Good Luck!


 Comment Written 07-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018
    Thank you so much for your review and rating.

    kind regards

    trimple

reply by Angela Hayes on 20-Jul-2018
    You're welcome!
Comment by
2012 Script Writer Of The Year
Spitfire
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  Rank:  10
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  Rank:  96
 

#10 Ranked Author
Excellent
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You did fine in the first paragraph and emphasized the opening. For me, it would have worked better to keep the bad weather throughout the flashback. Aside from that it's well-written and you have fresh imagery: e.g.

embroidered handkerchiefs cursed the air full of bluebottles

a permanent bruise in the crevice of her father's heart

continued on until the last smoke-ring from Gabriel's cigar, hung another precautionary layer of patina to the stucco walls of the enclosed courtyard...


The Festival of Near Death--how gruesome. Not sure about the story line. Has Emilio been chosen to be the saint?


 Comment Written 06-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 08-Jul-2018
    Hello there, Spitfire

    Lovely of you to pop over and read this. I think for this particular competition, I should have just written a story that had a complete start and finish. Instead, I decided to write a chapter, which of course was a bad mistake on my part.

    As a result, I'm not sure if dragging the bad weather along would have made much difference. lol

    The problem I have given myself here, is that I have started the story with Isabella sitting beneath an old tin roof, listening to the pelting rain and suggest that she is then taken back to where all of her troubles began...

    The problem thereafter, is... How the hell would she know, for eg, that Emilio was sexually aroused by the aroma of Gabriel's cigar smoke, or that of the details of his death throws on the bathroom floor?

    This is where I got all tangled and confuzzled :)
    There is the story teller, [me] and the one who is looking back at what the story entails...

    The festival of death actually exists in Spain, although it's true title is called 'The festival of near death experience', whereby people actually lie in their coffins and are hoisted up above the congregation and walked to the statue of death. lol I had my widows drag their coffins behind them instead.

    No Emilio is not a part of that in any way except that he, like the others, helped adorn the 'statue of death' and felt a bit queezy shortly after doing so. He was poisoned, and we can assume that it has something to do with his homosexual affair with the vineyard owner.

    Thank you for your compliments... I am a bit 'wordy' I suppose...

    I am a great fan of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. The guy who wrote a marvelous book entitled 'One hundred years of solitude' and Federico Lorca, a Spanish poet.

    I blame them :)


    Thank you Spitfire

    much love

    tracey o/

Comment by
DragonSkulls
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  47
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  24
Review Stars
  Rank:  510
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Okay, Tracey, I'll admit, whose trunk? Who are the two under the tree? Why was the dog murdered? Why are the other two being led to their graves? What's Emilio wanking it too and did he at least flush first? Lol. Plus, who poisoned him? I guess I'll have to wait and get the answers in the next chapter. But as far as the poetic value in your writing...WOW. Fantastic descriptions and with such a poetic flair. I wish I could write prose like this. I can pull a little of it of in poetry but not in stories. Very impressive. I love it.

Not sure if this is on purpose or perhaps a mistake or maybe I don't know another meaning for it, but did you mean to use 'crouch' rather than 'crotch' in your last stanza?

Besides me being in the dark about everything, I guess, I love your style of writing prose. I wish you the best of luck in the booth. Have a great weekend.

Ron


 Comment Written 06-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
    Dear, Ron

    What a wonderful review!

    I'm so pleased that you understood everything, including the clue as to whom, Emilio was wanking over. :)

    You recall those smoke-rings?... The dirty money and the 'selective memory' it could induce?

    I have rarely written prose before and like you, tend to lean on the side of poetry.

    My style of writing is influenced very much by my favorite writers--

    Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Leonard Cohen and the masterful poet, Fredrico Lorca.

    If you like my style, then ya in for a real treat should you make time in your life to read Marquez and Lorca. Lorca incidentally, influenced Leonard Cohen.

    Books entitled, 'One Hundred Years of Solitude' and 'Love in the Time of Cholera' By Marquez are a poets wet dream and I think you should read them, but warn that lovely wife of yours to get the washing machine going as ya may need to change ya bed sheets a little more often :)

    There is a very short story by Marquez called 'The Handsomest Drowned Man in the World'.

    This will give you a taste of his works, it only taken five minutes to read and can be read online.

    He is listed as the master of magical realism.

    Lorca, on the other hand, for me anyway, is THE best poet of all time.


    Thank you very much for the misspelling of the word 'crotch'. Since edited.

    This review has given me hope that I can write prose and I cannot thank you enough for the confidence you have instilled in me.


    Oh! and also a big thanks for the rating. Unfortunately I got a couple 4* so it hasn t kicked in. But hey ho. :)

    Cheers you

    much love

    tracey
Comment by
Sharon Haiste
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  Rank:  60
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  Rank:  16
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  Rank:  46
 
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
I think this is an interesting story for the Dark and Stormy Night writing prompt.
But, I find the story bounces around abruptly and is hard for me to follow.
Good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon


 Comment Written 06-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 06-Jul-2018
    Hi there, Sharon...Thanks for the review.

    I asked the contest organiser if I could submit a chapter, as I have here. I assume this is why it feels a little disjointed?
Comment by
l.raven
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OK Twilight, there went my breakfast...and now the question is...who poisoned him???....hmmmmm....very well written sweet lady....and I'm glad I caught it from the first chapter...I tend to always miss so much of the stories...I see you haven't lost it...awesome as always...love you...Linda xxoo


 Comment Written 06-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
    Hey Twosocks :)

    Lovely to hear from you. lol sorry about ya breakfast. I don t know! I really have no idea where the story goes from here. I'll have to sleep on it to find out myself and attempt to write it all down. :)

    Kind regards

    twilight :)

reply by l.raven on 09-Jul-2018
    LOL...I know it will be awesome...now I have to go catch up...I am so far behind...and never seem to be caught up...smiling back at you sweet lady...love you...Linda xxoo
Comment by
BeasPeas
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  Rank:  18
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  Rank:  25
 
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An outstanding bit of prose contained in this "dark and stormy night' entry. It's chock full of vivid descriptions. Holds the reader's interest throughout. An excellent entry. Marilyn


 Comment Written 05-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 05-Jul-2018
    Thank you, Marilyn.

    This is more than I have be able to put together in well over a year or so. It is a bit gloomy in parts... which I guess came out of the contest rule of 'It was a dark and stormy night'...

    I hope to turn it around and maybe make it a farce... :)

    Your support is very welcomed, Marilyn.


    Thank you so much

    Kind regards

    tracey

reply by BeasPeas on 05-Jul-2018
    Great job.

reply by the author on 05-Jul-2018
    :)
Comment by
2014 Novelist and 2016 Short Works Writer Of The Year
Phyllis Stewart
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Ewww... how horrible. Nothing remotely happy in any sentence, but that's how you wanted it, so that's how it is. Not my genre, since I like happy endings, but well written just the same.

You might want to try using Advanced Editor (located right under posting window) to be able to use more readable fonts in different sizes. I use Times New Roman in size 20. The basic font is hard to read since it's jammed together too tightly between lines. Advanced mode also has colored fonts and formatted quotes. Give it a try.


 Comment Written 05-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 05-Jul-2018
    Aww, bless ya cotton socks, Phyllis. Thanks ever so much for popping over.

    Horrid isn't it? I had no idea where this would end actually. The first sentence, according to the rules of the contest had to start with that classic cliche--

    'It was a dark and stormy night' and this just popped out of my head.

    Perhaps I'll turn it into a farce in the next chapter :) Lighten the load as it were.

    I shall take a look-see on the A/E and alter the font, as you suggest.

    The fact that you, 'a seasoned writer' say it's well written, is a great boost to my confidence.

    I thank you so much.

    Also, if you have no objections to me adding you onto my list of friends I'll hit the add too button.

    Peace be with you, me dear :)

    Kindest regards

    trimple o/
Comment by
Sarkems
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  Rank:  81
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  Rank:  190
 
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Ooh, dark. Some wonderful descriptive work, good introductory chapter, leaving a lot of questions. So, was Emilio the person whose car Isabella was in? And was it her that poisoned him at the end - gruesome death scene, there. All the questions make me want answers, and that makes me want to read on.
Good luck in the contest


 Comment Written 05-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 05-Jul-2018
    Hello there, Emma

    Thanks ever so much for reading and reviewing this horrid little number. It just all popped out of me as the dreaded 'It was a dark and stormy night' line took hold. lol

    I dare say it won t do well in the booths, but at least it got me writing again after a long and lousy bout of writer's blockage.

    I may turn this into a farce... we'll have to wait n see.

    Happy days :)

    Thanks again.

    Kind regards

    trimple o/

Comment by
royowen
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  Rank:  1
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 Rank:  2
 

#1 Ranked Poet!

#2 Ranked Reviewer
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Poor Emilio more than fulfilled the "Festival" of near death" the story had some great literary moments, and some excellent character commentary, not sure where the plot was going, it seemed to have a beginning and ending, a touch of irony perhaps, but anyway, great entry, good luck, blessings, blessings. Roy


 Comment Written 05-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 05-Jul-2018
    Hello there, Roy.

    Thanks ever so much for your review and rating. I havn't been able to write a damned thing for a very long time now and I am certainly not a story teller. lol I tend to dabble in poetry but thought I'd give this a go. This is a chapter, so I guess it's difficult to write in full, where the story may end up in so few words.

    Indeed, poor Emilio is in a pretty bad way.

    Cheers you. :)

    Kind regards

    trimple


reply by royowen on 05-Jul-2018
    Well done, that explains it, a chapter. Well done
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