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Reviews from
The story of the cow


An Abecedarian poem

  10 total reviews 
Comment by
lyenochka
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  Rank:  4
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  Rank:  2
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  Rank:  3
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  Rank:  2
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  Rank:  4
 

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Excellent
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Great job with this abecedarian poem! It reads smoothly like a free verse with some occasional rhymes and tells of an interesting story like folktale with a surprising implication about the magic of marketing. You also used one of my favorite x words (xenophobia)


 Comment Written 01-Aug-2018



reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
    Thank you for your review and comments :)
Comment by
BeasPeas
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  Rank:  25
 
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This is an interesting ABCedarian. I like the form anyway, but you've added a new spin to it. That is ~ separating it into quatrains so that it tells a little story in continuous sentences. Very nice. Image is playful, colorful, and works perfectly with your piece. Marilyn


 Comment Written 31-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
    Thank you Marilyn. :)
Comment by
Pam (respa)
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  Rank:  23
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  Rank:  18
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  Rank:  32
 
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-A good image and poem
that tells a good story.
-The poem flows well as you
tell the tale of this widow and her cow.
-I also found it imaginative, as the
stories grew from the town folks:
"rumours grew taller each day,
some said the milks' full of wisdom but"
-Good luck in the contest.


 Comment Written 31-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
    Good afternoon, Pam

    Thank you for your review and comments.

    kind regards

    trimple

reply by Pam (respa) on 31-Jul-2018
    You are very welcome.
Comment by
Kathleen S.
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  Rank:  140
 
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That was an interesting story within your poem. How neat that you were able to get the alphabet in line at the beginning of each line. Very well done.


 Comment Written 30-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
    Thank you, Kathleen
Comment by
Alexander Vasa
 
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hahaha This is a bit of a hoot!! I enjoyed it, a romping tale. The picture sets the tone very well for the poem and I noticed it is for the Abecedarian competition, so best of luck with this humorous and entertaining entry, cheers, Ana.


 Comment Written 30-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
    Thank you, Ana
Comment by
phill doran
.
.
 
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  Rank:  55
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  Rank:  22
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  Rank:  211
 
Excellent
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Hello Anon
This is really very good. It is ambitious for you to attempt this in rhyme and at such short notice.
Where it works it works very well. The thing you have strongly is that the narrative draws in the reader. I forgot I was reading an abecedarian very quickly as the story took over. Also, laying it out in four lines stanzas makes it easier on the reader, so again this is a good point. I was distracted, however, by the punctuation. It took me a few attempts but I think I realized that you were using the punctuation to guide the reader on the stresses and pace of the piece, but I believe that this is unnecessary - your words do this of their own accord.

The first verse is actually a very good one, it get s going quickly and hiding your end rhymes in the enjambment is easily picked up by the reader, but as punctuated you maybe underplay it;

"...As the widow awoke from her slumber she
began as she did every day, by
collecting her cow as she ambled
down the road with a handful of hay..." Less is more.

I can only encourage you - this is a difficult task you have set yourself and yet you have accomplished 90% of it without a problem, but it still coudl have the last 10% added.
The most important part of a piece like this (and of many poems) is the dismount - the conclusion or pay-off. I think it is here you might still work on your piece. Normally "X" is the bothersome letter, but xenophobia works and makes sense in the narrative. You have even pulled off Z convincingly, but, given that the businessman isn't key to any rhyme scheme then he must be key to the story, and that is where you might still apply your mind: he's unexplained and the story does not conclude smoothly. The punchline it needs to be stronger, more relevant to the preceding - engaging - story line and then you have a six-star winner.

I wish you well with this piece and your further writing. I have written this review to encourage you. I mean no disrespect to your words or your work.
cheers
phill


 Comment Written 30-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 30-Jul-2018
    Hello there, Phill

    Thank you very much for your detailed and honest review.
    I must say, this was no mean feat! lol A real pain in the arse to to to get right. I know what you mean about the punctuation, but I can't see how I can omit it all. regarding the last line, actually, the businessman is the point of the whole story. I have, however changed that last line, and would appreciate it if you took a quick gander and tell me if you think this is better, please.

    Also, if you can break this nightmare down and fiddle about with the punctuation, I will adopt you every weekend :)

    Thanks ever so much.

    kind regards

    :)

reply by phill doran on 30-Jul-2018
    Hello again
    I am no expert at this, so this is just an opinion. I normally turn a piece into text, close up the lines etc, and punctuate as though it was prose - then re-lay it out in the poem form.
    I know the businessman is the point, but it is his significance that needs to be emphasized, don't you think? That he has bought the cow?

    As the widow awoke from her slumber she
    began as she did every day, by
    collecting her cow as she ambled
    down the road with a handful of hay.

    Everyone from the village would purchase
    from the widow her marvellous ware, but they
    gathered this day and all noticed that
    her hands were just squeezing the air. (fresh air?)

    It would soon be apparent; her ?Precious? had
    jumped over the heavenly gate though she
    kept up the milking, regardless ? she was
    lost in some hypnotic state. Still, the

    merciful carried on buying, as
    new rumours were gathering pace, which
    opened the door for the prying and sent
    patrons all jostling for space... The

    queues became longer and longer, and the
    rumours grew taller each day, and
    some said the milk was 'pure wisdom' but
    then others were left in dismay.

    United, believers grew bigger so the (but the?)
    voice of hysteria sprang ?
    whilst neighbours grew easily triggered,
    xenophobia sadly began.

    Yells of abuse at the widow were rebuffed by the wisest of all;
    Zig-zagging his way in the shadows, a savvy young businessman trawled... (a dairy executive trawled?)

reply by phill doran on 30-Jul-2018
    or
    "the abattoir manager trawled", if you want "that sort" of ending!
Comment by
Lady Jane
Lady Jane
 
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This is an excellent Abecedarian poem. The story, the sweet tale, ok...not so sweet when you get to the end, but the the support the town showed this widow was sweet and you wove it flawlessly with excellent form. Nothing to suggest for edit or revision. The entire package was delivered well and I wish you the best of luck in the contest with this clever piece of poetry!
Janelle


 Comment Written 30-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
    Thank you, JaCherie
Comment by
kahpot
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  Rank:  41
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  Rank:  24
 
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What a very clever writer to have this poem with the letters of the alphabet and to carry and maintain a story, this is an excellent poem and entry for this contest, best wishes****kahpot


 Comment Written 29-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
    Good afternoon, Kahpot

    Thank you for your review and comments.

    kind regards
Comment by
Alcreator Litt Dear
 
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 Rank:  11
 
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This speaks the story of a cow, how belief spread and rumours about state and status of the cow changed the living state of the widow; well said, well done. Keep Writing -- DR ALCREATOR


 Comment Written 29-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 31-Jul-2018
    Thank you Alcreator
Comment by
LefthandedScribe
 
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This is incredible. There's a real journey and some huge surprises along the way. The photo is just delicious. You have a very strong piece here. So much good work!


 Comment Written 28-Jul-2018



reply by the author on 28-Jul-2018
    Thank you, Shauna.
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