haiku (Mother Earth sheds tears)
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Reviews from
Postponed introduction 101 words


Jadyn has second thoughts.

  18 total reviews 
Comment by
dragonpoet
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This is short and sweet and both sad and hopeful. She has found her birth mother but not in the situation she had hoped. Maybe in the future she can help her out of this drug house and slum. The speaker is lucky to have love adoptive parents to return too.

Congrats on placing second in the contest.

Keep writing

dragonpoet


 Comment Written 11-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
    Thank you.

reply by dragonpoet on 16-Aug-2019
    You're welcome.
    dp
Comment by
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Dolly'sPoems
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This is a very sad write and such a turnaround of fortunes, when we always expect our parents to be the one's guiding us, a poignant write, love Dolly x


 Comment Written 24-Aug-2018



reply by the author on 24-Aug-2018
    Thank you for reviewing.

reply by the author on 24-Aug-2018
    Thank you for reviewing.
Comment by
Mark Valentine
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I think the key to these flash fiction pieces is for the writing to allude to a more complex backstory that will be understood by the reader, even though not explicitly spelled out. You do that wonderfully here. The protagonist has an adopted family that loves her, but is intrigued at (and scared by) the prospect of meeting her biological mother. For now, the security of the known serves as a secure base for her. (I think that's what the story's about anyway - I could be wrong). At any rate, it's wonderful - good luck in the contest!


 Comment Written 24-Aug-2018



reply by the author on 24-Aug-2018
    That is exactly what it is about. I am finding that in writing flash fiction, it is very similar to writing an opening paragraph that you hope will peak the readers interest to read on.
    Thank you for your insightful review
Comment by
Dawnya
 
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Wow. That was a profound bit of short fiction. Most of the flash fiction that I've read ends in a light surprise and is fun to read, but this is powerful. I feel her fear, anxiety, and desperate hope. As she turns to leave, it's not fear that consumes her, but the knowledge that she can return to a loving home. Well done!


 Comment Written 24-Aug-2018



reply by the author on 24-Aug-2018
    Thank you do much for the great review.
Comment by
giraffmang
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hi there,

A good piece you've crafted here for the competition. Good depth considering the limited word count which is spot on.

Jadyn side-stepped the spilled - sidestepped could be a single word here.

in the used syringes underfoot.. Damn - you have double punctuation after underfoot.

what waited just beyond.
.
Reconsidering- delete the full stop / period from the clear line here.

All the best
GMG


 Comment Written 23-Aug-2018



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
    Thanks for the corrections

reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
Comment by
2018 Poet of the Year
Gloria ....
2014 - #365 Poet of the Year
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Dallas this is a terrific flash fiction. Setting, characters, conflict and resolution all present and the twist at the ending is surprising and heart wrenching.

Really great write and I wish much luck with this beauty.

Gloria


 Comment Written 22-Aug-2018



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
    Thanks for the great review.
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tfawcus
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Exceptional flash fiction. The tragedy of having a mother who is on skid row is delivered with high impact in that last sentence. The way you have structured the story emphasises the role reversal.
I'd be surprised if this one isn't in the winners' circle.


 Comment Written 22-Aug-2018



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
    Thanks fot the vote of confidence.
Comment by
nancy_e_davis
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So she was going to visit her Mom who is a crack head and she thinks better of it . She returns to those people who had loved and raised her. I had to read it a couple of times before I understood what it was all about> LOL well done Dallas. :) Nancy


 Comment Written 22-Aug-2018



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
    You got it, Nancy
    . Thanks fir reviewing.
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Joan E.
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This work has reached the exceptional level
I relished your detailed opening lines with the alliteration of "s's" to intensify them. Your unexpected conclusion was compelling. Well done! Best wishes in the Flash Fiction competition- Joan


 Comment Written 22-Aug-2018



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
    Thanks for the great review and the bonus star. Have a great wéekend.
    .
Comment by
Mastery
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Hi, Alice. This is excellent flash fiction. Your use of strong adjectives and verbs propels the story just fine,


Suggestions though, if I may: Start a second paragraph after the word " breezeway."

Also, You might change the word "clothed" to either "cloaked" or "hidden"

Good luck in the contest, Alice. Bob


 Comment Written 22-Aug-2018



reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
    Thanks , Bob. I was going to use the word shielded but used clothed because it is rarely used.
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