Sue by the Seaside
A rude Limerick: Be careful what you sit on.
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Reviews from
Tongue, Nebraska - Part 1 of 3


A story of manners, circa 1880

  39 total reviews 
Comment by
Sanku
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Excellent
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A pregnant girl looking for
her man in the back of beyond;her shock that no one has come to meet her; an apparently indifferent ,crude man, albeit with a heart; and a no nonsense Malaene. An interesting background for a story. Fantastic writing waxing lyrical at times with
alliterations and similes ,not to mention beautiful imageries......

congratulations! this was a lovely work


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2018



reply by the author on 04-Sep-2018
    Thanks so much, Sanku. I appreciate your good eye. I love to weave a bit of poetry into my prose. So glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment by
rama devi
May All Beings Be Happy
 
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 Rank:  149
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Excellent opening. Drew me right in. Outstanding characterization, dialog, pacing, descriptive detail and poetic devices woven deftly and seamlessly in your prose. Enjoyed this! Ready for the next part two, too!

NOTES


Love this: bone-bruising asthmatic iron antique


Loved reading this aloud:
whittling in the dwindling twilight as if whittling served some worthwhile purpose.

Great portrait here:

The man, aged somewhere between old and biblical, fingered-up the brim of his wide hat to reveal wolf-grey eyes too clear to comfortably inhabit such a weather-worn face. He glanced her up and down without expression, went back to his wood-paring. "Not unless you're the Robert E. Lee." His raspy voice bit like salt in a wound.



Great descriptive and simile:

A single frozen-mud-rutted street lined with colorless, ramshackle buildings--all apparently constructed sans benefit of level or plumb line. The affect reminded Brenda of her own attempts at quilting--lots of angles, none of them meeting without obvious coercion. She hurried along behind the shaggy man while noting that Nebraska snow had little in common with its more refined Philadelphia cousin.

CLEVER: "I'll agree to the rugged, but I'd switch bastard for brilliant. You slipped on his soft soap, did ya?



I've been enjoying all your amusing artistic alliteraiton, but this is my favorite:

Polite platitudes tended to evaporate on her palate.

HERE TOO:

Spoons scraped bowls while Nebraska-blown snow scoured insecure sills searching and scratching for ways in.


Also - bravo for no spags!


Warmly, rd


 Comment Written 04-Sep-2018


Comment by
c_lucas
 
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I have always enjoyed your Westerns. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is good imagery.


 Comment Written 03-Sep-2018


Comment by
lyenochka
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Excellent
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Love your characters, Lee! These down home folk with their interesting speech and how hospitable to take in a stranger and even care about her dilemma! Great opener!


 Comment Written 03-Sep-2018



reply by the author on 03-Sep-2018
    Thank you, Helen. I'm pleased that you like the characters. Usually, that's a primary goal. Good characters can help a so-so story, but it doesn't work the other way around. I hope you'll like the next two chapters. Thanks again. Peace, Lee
Comment by
heart of Lou
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This has all the makings of a really good western tale. I'll be interested to know whether CB Hoyt can be gotten to this place some way or the other. Maybe the girl is better off without him, or maybe he will at least pay for child care.


 Comment Written 03-Sep-2018



reply by the author on 03-Sep-2018
    Thank you, heart of Lou. I hate to break up stories into chapters, but the site isn't set up for 6,000-word stories. Glad you enjoyed part 1. I'm about to post part 2. I hope you'll stay tuned. Thanks again. Peace, Lee
Comment by
Craigitar
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Great cast of characters, setting, plot etc., Hw. Great writing pulled me right in and kept me moving right along to the cliff-hanger. I'll be waiting for the reluctant Jessup to drag CB back to Tongue for the big reveal. Craig


 Comment Written 03-Sep-2018



reply by the author on 03-Sep-2018
    Thank you, Craig. Glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment by
rtobaygo
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Good afternoon, Lee

Enjoyed the post. I hope its one of many. Virtual six. Excellent attention to detail.
The dialogue was spot on. Liked how the characters interacted with one another, how they figured out why Brenda was told to come to Tongue. Though they appear to be rough around the edges, they do seem to care about Brenda's plight. Well done.

Take care and stay safe,

Ray


 Comment Written 03-Sep-2018



reply by the author on 03-Sep-2018
    Thank you, Ray. Yes this is Part 1 of 3. I always like characters who are rough around the edges. I hope to post part 2 later today. Glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment by
2018 Short Works Writer of the Year
Mustang Patty
 
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Hi, Lee,

As usual, another wonderfully written saga. I enjoyed this piece very much. Your characters always seem to jump off the page.


A few minor things,

'...but who besides a simp would wait for a steam ship steamship at a train station?'

'The affect effect reminded Brenda of her own attempts at quilting--lots of angles,'

I noticed a few problems with quotation marks - the punctuation might be due to the 'action tags' versus 'speech tags.'

~patty~



 Comment Written 03-Sep-2018



reply by the author on 03-Sep-2018
    Thank you, Patty. I'm glad you enjoyed. I appreciate the spag alerts, but after another read through, I can't find the quotation problems you allude to. I wonder if you can be more specific? Thanks again. Peace, Lee

reply by Mustang Patty on 03-Sep-2018
    I think I was concerned about this:

    'She scowled. "Like any amount of dis-invitin'd get you to go away." Maelene spoke to Brenda. "Men. You let 'em slink between your legs once, you never have to ring the dinner bell again."

    I want to put a comma after 'away,' but I'm not sure.

reply by the author on 03-Sep-2018
    Yes, I see. Maelene had been shouting over her shoulder to Jessup in the back room, so I assumed she had to turn in order to speak to directly to Brenda, thus making it an action tag. I agree I did not make it clear. Thanks for your sharp eye. Lee

reply by Mustang Patty on 03-Sep-2018
    ...anytime :)
Comment by
Debbie Pope
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
At first, Jefferson Jessup reminded me of your crap seller. I really liked your crap seller, but Jessup is so much more. He is the salt of the earth--my favorite of all of your characters. I love his line "Can we keep her?" Thank goodness there are two more chapters (can't we have more?). I love this story.
Your writing style is wonderful as usual. I like "re-gripped her grip," and
"whittling mattered a whit," and "aged somewhere between old and biblical." Even if your characters weren't great and your plot wonderful, I would read your words.


 Comment Written 03-Sep-2018


Comment by
Mark Valentine
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I was about to comment that this one cries out for a Part 2, then I saw the note at the beginning. As is the case with most of your writing, even if there were no Part 2, the writing is so good that it's worth the time spent reading regardless of what happens with the plot.

"The man, aged somewhere between old and biblical, fingered-up the brim of his wide hat to reveal wolf-grey eyes too clear to comfortably inhabit such a weather-worn face." That's not a sentence that one just slaps together - some craftsmanship went into creating that, and many others like it.

The fact that the story has such an intriguing plot is icing on the cake. The relative ordinariness of the dilemma (no murders or international intrigue) makes it more compelling from my perspective - who isn't rooting for Brenda by the end of this chapter?

I haven't googled it yet, but I'm so hoping that there really is a place called Tongue, Nebraska "Where the Real Folk Live" - just one more wonderful touch to flesh out the world you've created here.


 Comment Written 03-Sep-2018


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