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Reviews from
Tongue, Nebraska - Part 1 of 3


A story of manners, circa 1880

  39 total reviews 
Comment by
Father Flaps
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  Rank:  47
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Wow! This is what I call great writing, Lee!
In one short chapter, you have introduced three characters who seem as real as Donald Trump.
So young Brenda Wilshire is pregnant. That was surprising. She's a tad naive for sure.
Wonderful imagery... I can easily picture the town,
"A single frozen-mud-rutted street lined with colorless, ramshackle buildings--all apparently constructed sans benefit of level or plumb line."
Maelene and Jessup remind me, with the help of all that country slang you write so well, of Ma and Pa Kettle, Marjorie Main and Percy Kilbride. I could clearly hear her voice every time Maelene had something to say.
I'd like to mention a few choice lines,
"The young woman ignored mention of her unmentionables..."
"Storm's on our doorstep an' it's gonna bite like a bear with a bad tooth tonight."
" Eighteen rooms--countin' the indoor facilities--all emptier'n a pauper's pockets and colder'n a eskimo gal's teat."
"Well, since there's nothin' wrong with yer ears, must be the puddin' between 'em what's not up to the task."
"Men. You let 'em slink between your legs once, you never have to ring the dinner bell again."
"I'll agree to the rugged, but I'd switch bastard for brilliant. You slipped on his soft soap, did ya? Well, you ain't the first."
"Jessup ain't much good company, but them burdened with peckers seldom are."
"Plenty of angels have fallen for the same serpent's hiss."
***********************************************************
Are they married, Jessup and Maelene? I had no idea they might be until this conversation,
{ In bed, Jessup whispered, "We cain't keep her, can we?"
Maelene kicked him under the covers. "She ain't a kitten. Besides, what's a girl like that gonna do in a hole like Tongue?"
"So, we gotta send her back?"
"Back to what? Back to who?" }

This could be a novel, Lee, but I guess you're looking to close it after 3 chapters?
I'll be sure to continue reading. Thoroughly enjoyed so far!

Cheers
Kimbob




 Comment Written 03-Sep-2018


Comment by
kiwijenny
 
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I love your style ..
Maelene pursed her lips. "I'll agree to the rugged, but I'd switch bastard for brilliant. You slipped on his soft soap, did ya? Well, you ain't the first. Do your people know where you are?"...
Great insight great writing
God bless


 Comment Written 03-Sep-2018


Comment by
trumby
 
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Fantastic job with this one, mate. You really are a master with dialogue.
She came to the town all ready to meet her man and it turned out that he was just a cad.
Favorite line- "Men. You let 'em slink between your legs once, you never have to ring the dinner bell again."


 Comment Written 03-Sep-2018


Comment by
barkingdog
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Exceptional
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Hi, Lee.
Tongue, Nebraska sounds like the last place in world anyone would want to be. Inhospitable climate as well as people.
Toss in a naive, pregnant city gal and you've got a might compelling 'what will happen to her' story.
I'm IN.

I really wish you'd pull together some of your short stories and publish. So many don't want to read a novel. They don't have time. Your short stories carry the excitement, character development and so often comedic edge that readers want.
It isn't hard to do on Amazon. Free isn't much to pay. haha

LOVE your work . This cat lady, NEEDs your book; her cat just isn't enough.

:) ellen xoxox


 Comment Written 02-Sep-2018


Comment by
Beck.fenton
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Exceptional
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The extra star is intended to encourage you to continue quickly with this story.
I love the precise tone of Brenda's speaking, which is perfect for the time and place compared to the rougher English of the lone prairie.
I'm glad Maelene has a plan and Jessup will do her bidding... peckers can be relied upon more than one thing. " You let 'em slink between your legs once, you never have to ring the dinner bell again." one of my fave lines. Grin.
Love this new story!


 Comment Written 02-Sep-2018


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royowen
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I'd have to say this deserves a follow, you've created a ready made plot, but this is probably a one off. You've developed an appetite for a plot, as well as your gift of literary rhetoric Lee. Loved it, I must admit I like the way you think. You and I aren't terribly different, I have little time for law based religion, and so did/does Jesus, I love ordinary people. And these folk are ordinary, (except Brenda) well done, good job, blessings, Roy
Typo : "In fact why don't (you) go out back"


 Comment Written 02-Sep-2018


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Jannypan (Jan)
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#4 Ranked Poet
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This is a great part one, Lee. You did a great job with the dialect of the area. Your use of descriptive words/phrases. alliteration, and consonance made this enjoyable to read. I could 'see' the events as the story unfolded. I look forward to the next part. Thanks for sharing. Jan


 Comment Written 02-Sep-2018


Comment by
Roxanna Andrews
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As always well done. I saw no errors and enjoyed the story. I look forward to seeing what we become of poor Brenda and how Maelene will deal with Mr. Hoyt. Rox


 Comment Written 02-Sep-2018


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barbara.wilkey
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barbara.wilkey Recommends:
Football Chapter 5 part 2
Mrs. Frost pays Katherine a visit.
Pays:10 points
10 member cents

 

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I can't wait for part two. I think CB has met his match with Maelene. I sure think so. Poor little Brenda. She fell for a sweet talker. Not good. I so love your characters.


 Comment Written 02-Sep-2018


Comment by
Winslow
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Exceptional
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Dear Humpwhistle,

An engaging story with a nostalgic sense to it. Excellent descriptions and realistic and humorous dialogue add a lot. Tension spirals and builds wanting the reader to know what the outcome will be.

A small nit. I would eliminate ly words. Also in the following paragraph I suggest this edit.

She shivered in the blustery-grey cold, tightened her grip, and marched over to the lumpy man. Though she stood in front of him, he continued whittling as if she didn't exist and whittling mattered a whit. Well, it doesn't. She dropped her grip with gravitational emphasis. "I suppose you're waiting for me?" she asked, nay, demanded.

Regards,

Winslow



 Comment Written 02-Sep-2018


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