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Reviews from
The Reunion

Radio Script for two women.

  5 total reviews 
Comment by
Ms. Snyder
 
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This is for a six-part script-writing course, that I will shortly attend.

Please advise me on:

1. Does the conversation sound natural? NO it doesn't

2. Sometimes I type rhymes into the text by accident. Need they be avoided? occasionally it is okay

3. Is the author obviously a man? If so do I need to feminise this piece? How? you need to be a little less blunt

4. Could you follow what's going on? NO it had too much slang
[There is no villain, but there is some tension . The characters are meant to be quite different.]

5 Could you identify the empathy as well as the enmity between the two women? no

6 Is this a good format for a Radio Script? The format would be better served if you polished the conversation
[ By next month I'll probably have a scriptwriter software program. ]

7. This is my first script, so I need all the advice I can get.
Advice have a real conversation take place and record it. Then transcribe it. How they are talking to each other.
8. My course will probably be attended mainly by women.
Hence the characters here are women. Great - women characters have a way of speaking a little differently but I am not in the UK - I know they say bugger off - and things like that - which I didn't hear.
I am a man. Yes I get that - but even as a man - you can over hear women speaking to each other - I don't think they are that blunt...
You guessed that!

9. This is a draft, and will be edited no doubt.
NO doubt
10 Wazzamagulu is a made up word. It means "Lots of good things may be happening to me in the next month. Allelujah!" Apologies if it means something different in your language.
means nothing in English I think - I will take your definition.

So overall please try to hear ladies speaking to each other and see how they intonate. Have a person that is female tell you a story about a guy they know. Just any story and see what words they use. Record it. So that you can understand some of these words are too much. This passage for sure I don't picture a woman saying out loud; You're talking a load of toad in the hole and sausage rolls. But then again it's been years since I've watched Benny Hill or Absolutely Fabulous to know my UK speak. Hope I helped. Cheers, Fonda


 Comment Written 15-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 15-Jan-2019
    .
    Fonda,
    Thanks for the best critique I've ever had.
    These are early days for me.
    Like having a happy splash in the mud bath before attempting the Seals 3 Hour Combat Course.
    Will get serious from now on.

    Thanks

    Richard.
Comment by
Susanjohn
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So I am not familiar with a Radio script...but this does sound like two young girls chatting..but, this part.

O! M! G! He's just like Keanu Reeves from The Matrix. Spitting image. Wow! Do I get a share of him? After all, I am your good friend. Can I have him on Monday mornings, six 'til seven, perhaps?

Bardoe
Zena, you never go into the cave of danger yourself. You expect someone else to go and get the treasure, and then give you some! No way! He's my Shane and he thinks I'm Aphrodite. I am. I'm the bleedin' goddess of love.

Share him?? Give you some?? Hmmmm I don't think even in joking girls might say this..It would sound more like " omg where the hell did you find him?? that?? you lucky... you also find the gems??...something like that. "give you some" is leaving a weird image in my mind. lol... and how the heck did a 22 yr. old afford to travel for a year??? school?? mission work??


as far as relationship?? are these two friends or friendenemies.. Curious about the mouse comment. True friends might not bring up all that nonsence in HS...
I enjoyed reading this and I did find it quite interesting> I hope this helps..if not, let me know...and I'll try and explain myself better. :-)


//


 Comment Written 14-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 15-Jan-2019
    .
    Susan,

    Thanks for your detailed critique.

    My style is too clunky, with its tangents.

    Needs to be more smooth.

    Am trying a different style with Penalty Point Serena that I hope to post up today.

    Am always experimenting and exploring.

    Thanks for all your help,

    Richard.


reply by Susanjohn on 15-Jan-2019
    ok, ill watch for it
Comment by
2016 and 2018 Script Write Of The Year
judiverse
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#6 Ranked Author

#1 Ranked Script Writer!
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I received your note about script help. I see that you're from the UK. I don't know how popular shows like this are in the UK, but such dramas aren't often used in radio here. Radio relies a lot of voice. I've been in the Crosley Radio Players old time radio shows to know that parts are assigned according to the actor's voice. Here you need to distinguish between the voices. Since Bardoe likes to rhyme, perhaps you could have her singing some of the lines. You could use an announcer at the beginning to set up the scene and the characters. Finally, the sad fact is that if you want reviews, you have to promote, promote. Many reviewers are resistant to scripts, anyway, so they'll be more inclined to review if you shell out to promote. This story has interesting characters. I've seen enough British TV dramas to know that darts is pretty important. and it sounds like you'll be playing that up. Best of luck. judi


 Comment Written 14-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 14-Jan-2019
    .
    Judi,
    Thanks for your brill reply.
    In the UK, we use 15 minute scripts on radio a lot (about 2000 words)
    Also a series of 5 (15 mins) to run Monday to Friday.
    Also half hour and sometimes longer.

    What sort of Radio scripts are liked in the USA?

    Thanks,
    Richard.

reply by judiverse on 14-Jan-2019
    I don't think we do much of that creative script sort of thing in the US. I'm so glad you have them. They must be a lot of fun. Read yours aloud to see if it meets the time requirement. Also, I like the idea of announcer to set the scene at the beginning. They do that a lot in the old radio shows we perform. judi

reply by the author on 15-Jan-2019
    .
    Judi,

    Please could you give me a critique on my latest script "Penalty Point for Serena?"

    Thanks a million,
    Richard.
Comment by
Ada Jewell
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Well, I really know nothing about writing a script but I do know when something keeps my attention enough to read it all the way through and enjoy the read. Job well done!


 Comment Written 13-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 14-Jan-2019
    .
    Ada,

    Thanks for your review.
    My script is a bit too weird to actually use, but I enjoyed writing it.

    Read about the motorcycle death - like your writing style.

    Thanks,

    Richard.
Comment by
Jaye Bennett
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I'm in the USA and haven't a clue as to how women talk in other places. Woman can talk worse than men, but I can't say I've ever heard them this loose. I thought the whole script was a hoot. You can write pretty funny. I liked the picture. Good luck in you script-writing class. Good job.


 Comment Written 13-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 14-Jan-2019
    .
    Hi Jaye,

    Thanks for your brill review.
    The conversation is obviously dramatized.
    No, you never hear them this loose, but it's what they might think.

    "When it's dangerous to say, we're allowed to think!"
    Not Shakespeare, just made it up.

    Thanks,
    Richard.
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