Smothered
Hidden poverty
Pays: One point.
32 member cents
Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Status

New Here?
Sign Up
Fast! Three Questions.

Already a member?
Login

Contests

Flash Fiction
Deadline: Tomorrow!

Write A Script
Deadline: In 4 Days

ABC Poetry Contest
Deadline: Mar 21st

Haiku Poetry Contest
Deadline: Mar 23rd

80 Word Flash Fiction
Deadline: Mar 25th


Writing Classes

0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.

Rank

Poet: None
Author: None
Novel: None
Reviewer:None
Votes: None






Reviews from
The Galactic Decision

Film Script......FATE OF THE EARTH

  8 total reviews 
Comment by
Y. M. Roger
FantasyGirl
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  29
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  56
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Very well done, Sir -- like that you have employed a number of true script-writing techniques that really help focus the scene. Fun characters with enough description to give the readers mind a 'jumping off point ' but not too much that you lose them in detail. Sense of humor maintained while action is advanced...kinda funny that there are a number of boyfriends that are sods throughout the galaxy! :) LOL! :) ;) So, Jane the new Eve...? And a beach is so much better than a garden...;) ;) Good luck in the contest! :) Yvette


 Comment Written 08-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 10-Feb-2019
    Hi Yvette,

    Yes life is hectic.

    Thanks for your great review.

    The Rainbow Transform in my "Galactic Decision" is a homage to the Laplace Transform!

    To get from this world to the next, can we use a mathematical Transform!?

    Have completely rewritten Galactic Decision for the competition Year of the Script.

    The new title is "No Turning Back."

    It's a shortened, simplified version. More dialog, less action.

    As the competition was set up by the late Michael Cahill, have omitted any humor.

    Thanks,

    Richard.

Comment by
giraffmang
Level 4 Pro
2018 2nd for short works
2017 Author of the year
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  15
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  157
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Hi there,

There's something odd going on with the formatting at the start here, during the character introduction bit - weird line breaks.

I have to say that Zena's dialogue came across more as disjointed rather than witty with words left out and so on.

My brother Jack, he was an activist - an activist for what?

I'm excited. Its' a beach.- It's.

Ante-chamber to the main conference hall - antechamber a single word.

to middle of anti-chamber. - antechamber.

Good effort with distinguishing the speech patterns although it doesn't always make good reading.


 Comment Written 29-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Thanks, needs more work, and will incorporate your comments shortly.

    There is a difficulty with a person [ or an alien ] whose second or third language is English. It's disjointed. You know people like this?

    But the screenplay really needs all characters to speak crystal clear English. Or do they? Interesting thesis. Often gangster dialog is vey disjointed and hard to follow. For me anyway.

    Jack is dead, so there's no need to love him. Possibly he was better left out altogether.

    Thanks for your comments,

    Richard

reply by giraffmang on 29-Jan-2019
    I get what you're saying about the disjointedness but this was only meant as a comment on the description of it being witty.

    Also the majority of scripts don't write the dialect into them. The script is the bare bones, leaving some interpretation for those bringing it to life to add these bits. Having sat in on quite a few writer's rooms, the scripts don't come along like this.

reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Hi Giraffmang,

    Could I ask you two questions.

    If I write a script for FanStory, can I then hawk it to a film director (or a production company, etc, etc ) as if it's never been seen by anyone before?

    How do you turn your work into cash?

    Thanks,
    Richard

reply by giraffmang on 30-Jan-2019
    Yep, you certainly can. It's a good idea though to make sure your account us set to private, so no one outside of FanStory can see it.

    There are quite a few submission sites out there as a starting point.
Comment by
Debra White
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  73 (+1)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  120
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Richard :)
I'll award 6 stars for this - must've taken an absolute age to put it together.
It was a very entertaining read - I enjoy your humour :)
I have to tell you though, Yorkshire people don't really talk like Grachu... I will have to coach you in the subtleties of our lovely dialect!
My attention was held the whole way through, I sniggered quite a lot whilst I was reading, some of the lines really amused me ie; the comment from Jane in relation to something about her opposition not standing up... so innocently said, but I detected the smut LOL
The last scene, where Oliver and Jane are holding each others' 'heads'...a little bit concerning if you take things literally - Are they touching each others' faces tenderly...? Or actually holding each others' heads...? - I know it's only the stage directions and probably open to interpretation but, I'd kinda like to know, just so I can visualise it!
Great stuff all in all. I enjoyed it :)
Best wishes, Debs


 Comment Written 29-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Debs,

    Re holding heads. This is never done in real life, because the one who holds the other is superior.

    In my scene he has his hands gently on her ears and then she puts gently her hands on his ears. The idea is to quadruple the intensity of the eye contact. Try it with your partner. Cannot try it with mine as she does not do role play.

    Am amazed that hardly anyone got the message of my script.

    Earth is dooming itself.

    Nobody said "Get what you mean. Will spend the rest of my life saving the Planet."


    For example.
    Nobody killed any lapwings. The 80% decline in my lifetime is due to humans altering their habitat. But it's not my fault. It's their destiny to become extinct.

    It's human destiny to kill everything off inadvertently.

    Then the humans will die out.

    But not in our lifetimes.

    So why on earth bother?

    Y'no, I'm smashing my fist through the plaster boarding.

    With frustration.

    No-one got the message!

    Rant over,

    Richard.

reply by Debra White on 30-Jan-2019
    Richard,
    Sorry I failed to mention that I got the message...maybe I was just enjoying the humour too much to refer to the actual subject matter... I did, you know, get the message... we're making a right old mess of things and I really fear for the future of our planet.
    Hope you didn't hurt your knuckles.
    Best wishes, Debs :)
Comment by
TheStoryMan
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
What a way to go...we all will be rainbow transformed unless of course we're killed in nuclear war. I don't want to die from nuclear war. This is a very well written script.


 Comment Written 29-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    We deserve it.
    That is my .
Comment by
Rhonda Skinner
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Interesting characters and dialects in this film. A human with healing powers would be necessary if these two are going to repopulate a future, mended Earth. Noticed one spelling glitch
Anti (Ante)-chamber or was that intentional?
A compelling story. Well done.


 Comment Written 29-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Thanks, Rhonda.

    Have corrected the anti to ante.
    Senior moment.
    At an earlier time of my life, I know I would have spelled it correctly.
    Or spotted the error myself.

    Ha ha ha!

    Above all, the blood, sweat, and tears, I put into this!

    Means I must have learned something!

    Thanks,

    Richard
Comment by
Ms. Snyder
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
You did a great job with the idea and the presentation, THIS TURNED OUT FANTASTIC!!! I LOVE IT!

I think you're trying to the best out of the gate. It is the equal of trying to be Seth McFarlane out of the gate! Good job - big script good job! Lots of good changes - I am very happy with your end product! You are starting out STRONG - maybe you can equate it to Seth - Ask google or Siri to list for you the top 75 writers in Hollywood. Seth came out guns a blazing and has been like the Midas touch. What I think you want to do is look at the styles of different scripts you like humor and romance so you can see tempo and character build. I see you with a very unique voice and great comic timing - I gave you a suggestion in my review reply to the review you gave me. Check that out- Also one last thing - I find this funny - Thomas - I swear this guy - he's like Steve Martin - he can't even spell the name of his own story right in your review. You should bust him on that - now that would be funny too - I hope you are writing his review reply after reading mine! Boy do I hope you get him good on that one - I read your review. Thomas liked your script - he also wanted to size up his competition. He is a cad. He is also a very good writer - I think he genuinely liked it though - I could see where your humor would reach him. I will explain more in other protocols. He also offered a crack in the door to talk shop. I would snap that up. He has a lot of wisdom he could impart - Cheers, Fonda


 Comment Written 28-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Fonda,

    The script has a message.

    No one got it.

    I wasted my time.

    Thanks,

    Richard.

reply by Ms. Snyder on 29-Jan-2019
    What was the message - don't worry about that - you did a good job! I'm sorry you're having concerns.

reply by Ms. Snyder on 31-Jan-2019
    Hey Richard,
    I didn't mean what was the message of your script. I meant what was the message you left - sorry - I know what the message was. It was that we need to stop being stupid humans and start to really care about what is happening to the earth. If we don't do things differently it probably won't matter and things will just implode on their own. With the Sun etc. Also were you making a statement with the final scene that it will be the beginning of the world all over again like Adam & Eve and/or that is how we started in the first place? One last thing - I should have warned you - Elyssa cannot spell - she relies on many programs to check her. One she told me to pass along to you A.S.A.P. is Grammarly - it is free to download as an app, not sure if it is available in the U.K. If it is, please get it and it works for free in your browser. It will underline things that are wrong, it will help you with punctuation and spelling as well as comma placement. Last - I think you put way too much pressure on your shoulders for the very first script. I hope that you will get the answers you are looking for with connections you will make. But please don't get discouraged okay? It is a process. There are people in here who have published more than one novel and they have never won a contest. That is what I am trying to convey. So if you don't win, you can use that as a measuring stick. Also toughen up that skin of yours. Because writers that review also can be painfully brutal. So be ready to hear it, take it and swallow it! Also you can dish it out too! I want to know that you are okay from this experience. I also want to apologize if Elyssa missed anything in proofing for you. Okay? Let me know if I can be of any help here in Fan Story. Cheers, Fonda
Comment by
tbacha58
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
OLIVER
We live in hope/
JANE
/of our future generations, bearing in mind what's just happened on planet Earth.
(They wander together along the sand, into the distance, as the credits roll.)

I read as much as I could, enjoyed the names the title and the talking between each other. It is a script that is what you wrote. I am sure it will be a hit to others also once read. Terry.


 Comment Written 28-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Terry,

    Let's hope they can get reproducing as quickly as possible, and be the New Adam and New Eve!

    I put a few bible ideas into the script. In a cunning way, of course.

    Thanks,

    Richard
Comment by
2018 Novelist of the Year.
2017 Short Works and 2017 Script Writer of the Year.
Thomas Bowling
Premier Author
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A very good script. I didn't like scripts, then a fellow member suggested I write one. Now I'm hooked. My latest script if The Wrath of Zerteck. It is also science fiction. You should have entered this is the contest.


 Comment Written 28-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Hi Thomas,

    Glad to meet you via Fanstory.

    One question.

    If you publish on Fanstory first, are you then able to sell your work at a later date to a film company?

    Thanks,

    Richard.

    PS: No-one has as yet got the message of my story.
    Why's that?
  -1-   Next Page 


Market your book.
Advertising options.
A Man's Justice?
More Fact than Fiction


Share or Bookmark
  Contact Us | En español | Advertise With Us

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy