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Reviews from
Checkmate.


story poem

  24 total reviews 
Comment by
meeshu
 
Review Stars
 
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Your writing is smooth and the language is colorful. I enjoyed reading this writing, it is metaphor for many things. the art of war, the art of love. Very well done and best wishes in the contest..


 Comment Written 29-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Thank you, Meeshu

    Actually no. It's the king on a chess board, talking about his chess match against the chess master. :)

    thank you for the review.

    Perhaps you could read the last two stanzas again?

    kind regards
    :)
Comment by
DragonSkulls
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  68
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  44
Review Stars
  Rank:  449
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
Wow, fantastic piece of work, author. This deserves nothing less than a sixer. I've written a couple that were close to this myself, long long ago. I wish you the best of luck. I'll go check the booth right now. Great write.

Ron


 Comment Written 29-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Hello there, Ron

    Thanks ever so for the shiny review and special rating. Glad you enjoyed this :)

    And a big thanks also for the vote!

    Lucky me!

    x
Comment by
Carola Fernandez
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  318
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Excellent
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Beautiful writng piece! I like the chess theme (I have a chess club with my students)...very bright approach and language. Great rhyming selection. Nice flow with very deep emotional impact. Majestic picture that adds to your poem! Best wishes! This is a very strong entry!


 Comment Written 29-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Thank you, Carola

    So pleased you enjoyed this story poem.

    kind regards

    x
Comment by
June Sargent
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  19 (+1)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  58
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A very unique story written from the standpoint of chess pieces! Though stripped of her kingdom the Wueen will rule another day. I really enjoyed this poem. And the artwork chosen was perfect. Well done.


 Comment Written 28-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Good afternoon, June

    Thank you so much for your encouraging review and rating.

    Glad you enjoyed this for the story competition.

    kind regards

    x
Comment by
catch22
Level 7 Pro
 
Poet Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  325
 
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Hi Tracey, this is such a clever write personifying the pieces of a chess game. I enjoyed the poem very much, and your end rhymes were clever and unique. I did have some troubles with the meter in some places. I am not sure if it a pronunciation difference or not.

The night that we chose was as pale as the moon
as we reasoned and battled our fate and fortune--good slant rhyme
We were pawns in a game that had ended too soon,
but our courage was such, that our egos ballooned.--this does not scan well

Otherwise, this was an excellent entry into the story poem contest. Best wishes to you.



 Comment Written 28-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Hello there, Pam

    Thank you so much for taking the time to review this story poem.

    Perhaps the scan is lost on me then. I will see if I can conjure something else up after the competition ends.:)

    Glad you enjoyed this none the less


    kind regards

    tracey
Comment by
Kathleen S.
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  Rank:  575
 
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Brilliant and moving, and the game of chest is well played by some and not so much the opponent and that falls. Of course, then the game of chest can be played again and a different outcome makes someone else or the winner again the victor. Well done, and nicely written and engaging story in your poetry.


 Comment Written 28-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Hello there, Kathleen.

    Thank you so much for your splendid review and rating for this, my entry to the story-poem contest.

    So pleased you enjoyed this.

    I love writing these story poems

    much love

    tracey
Comment by
Sandra du Plessis
 
Review Stars
  
 
 Rank:  11
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
A very well-written story/poem. Our lives are like a game of chess, we have to consider each move we make so that we do not land in a bad situation. Sometimes we had some bad luck and then we havr to deal with that too.


 Comment Written 28-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
    Thank you for your review, Sandra
Comment by
rama devi
May All Beings Be Happy
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  
 Rank:  192
 
Excellent
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Second review
CONGRATS ON WINNING THE CONTEST!!!!

A few more minor suggestions:

*
but our courage was such,(NO COMMA) that our egos ballooned.
*
we were bound to receive,(NO COMMA) a resounding, touche!

*
though(,) tomorrow(,) I'll move,(no ,) with my Queen once again...

GReat stanza:


At my side, you were there with your clever techniques.
The dynamic between us: devout and unique.
But old grudges had harbored and mounted so steep,
that destiny waned and slipped out of our reach.


Love this rhyme pair:
Now the chess master has us, back standing in line;
thirty-two figurines of exquisite design...

*The closing two lines are my favorite, but I recommend revision:

and, with a drink, in his hand he replays in his mind
and we wink to each other and say 'till the next time...'

EDITED:
With a drink in his hand, he replays in his mind,
and we wink to each other and say, "Til next time..."


First review

Good story poem...well rhymed, imaginative, unique and finely depicted with interesting imagery. A few rhymes and lines were forced in meter slightly, but not enough to revise, as there is not formal meter mandatory. However, since many lines scan iambically, let me know if you want them all to fit iambic meter. (For example, the word fortune is forced to fit the meter if you want iambs).

Punctuation suggestions (as requested)


I was easy to find, and you were eager to please,(;)
with such gentle persuasion, the moment was seized...
but(,) with some trepidation and no guarantees,
we both became blind,(no ,) to the one who foresees.

The night that we chose was as pale as the moon
as we reasoned and battled our fate and fortune.
We were pawns in a game that had ended too soon(,)
but our courage was such,(no ,) that our egos ballooned.

As we conquered our fears and continued our way(,)
between shadows,(no ,) we rode on this perilous day.
Our horses well traveled;(,) our minds lead astray(,)
we were bound to receive, a resounding, touche!

At my side, you were there with your clever techniques.
The dynamic between us;(:) devout and unique.
But old grudges had harbored and mounted so steep,
our destiny darkened; was (delete was and ; and use dash) now out of our reach.

For the clergy dishonored my beautiful Queen;
to the tower there driven, I could not intervene.
We'd exchanged our last wishes;(:) a gamble, foreseen,(;)
thus her head would be severed,(no ,) where her crown had once been.

Now I stand here alone;(,) as my savior is slain,
on this old checkered board,(no ,) where my gambit took blame.
My kingdom is scattered; I'm no longer its reign,
though tomorrow I'll move,(no ,) with my Queen once again...

Now the Chessmaster (chess master) has us,(no ,) back standing in line;
thirty-two figurines of exquisite design...
and(,) with a drink,(no , and no 'a') in his hand, he replays in his mind(,)
and we wink to each other,(no ,) and say 'till the next time...'

With above edits: (please read aloud to hear the difference in pacing)...

I was easy to find, and you were eager to please;
with such gentle persuasion, the moment was seized...
but, with some trepidation and no guarantees,
we both became blind to the one who foresees.

The night that we chose was as pale as the moon
as we reasoned and battled our fate and fortune.
We were pawns in a game that had ended too soon,
but our courage was such that our egos ballooned.

As we conquered our fears and continued our way,
between shadows we rode on this perilous day.
Our horses well traveled, our minds lead astray,
we were bound to receive, a resounding, touche!

At my side, you were there with your clever techniques.
The dynamic between us: devout and unique.
But old grudges had harbored and mounted so steep,
our destiny darkened--now out of our reach.

For the clergy dishonored my beautiful Queen;
to the tower there driven, I could not intervene.
We'd exchanged our last wishes: a gamble, foreseen;
thus her head would be severed where her crown had once been.

Now I stand here alone, as my savior is slain,
on this old checkered board where my gambit took blame.
My kingdom is scattered; I'm no longer its reign,
though tomorrow I'll move with my Queen once again...

Now the chess master (chess master) has us back standing in line;
thirty-two figurines of exquisite design...
and, with drink in his hand, he replays in his mind,
and we wink to each other and say 'till the next time...'

This could be trimmed and revised a bit for smoother flow. Let me know if you want an example. Using mixed meter might be ideal. The story is good. Flow is the main issue.
Five stars in advance...

Good luck!

Warmly, rd


 Comment Written 28-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
    Thank you very much, rd.

    I have punctuated as you suggest here and have also changed a few of this lines for a smoother read, however there are still a couple lines or so that I'm stumped with. :)

    kind regards

    tracey

    I have changed a few lines now although there are a couple that still need tweaking.

reply by rama devi on 30-Jan-2019
    Which lines do you feel stumped with? I'll be happy to take a second look. :)

reply by rama devi on 30-Jan-2019
    I forgot to mention: I LOVE THE INNOVATIVE PERSONIFICATION AND POV!!! :-))

reply by rama devi on 30-Jan-2019
    I made a second review with a few more suggestions...and your poem now nears a six! Bravo...

reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
    Dear rd.

    Thank so very much for this detailed review. I have edited as you suggest, which certainly makes for a smoother read.

    The line I am having trouble with is--

    My kingdom is scattered; [I'm no longer its reign,]

    For the life of me, I cannot conceive another. lol


    Thank you!

    Not only did I win, but I level pegged with Dean Cutch. A far more experienced writer than myself.

    I'm quite proud of this poem and thank you again for your magical polish :)


    much love

    tracey

reply by rama devi on 30-Jan-2019
    Thanks for your gracious response, dear.
    About this line:
    My kingdom is scattered; [I'm no longer its reign,]

    May I suggest an alternative?

    My kingdom is scattered--no longer do I reign;

reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
    Good evening, rd

    Ah ha! Well... Not exactly...lol

    But you have just lit a match! Now I have sorted two lines I was unhappy with.

    Okay... this is what I have now--


    Now I stand here alone, as my savior is slain,
    on this old checkered board and my gambit to blame.
    My kingdom is scattered; no more do I reign,
    though, tomorrow, I'll move with my Queen once again...



reply by rama devi on 31-Jan-2019
    Perfect! YAY!

reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
    Thank you!
Comment by
CD Richards
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  70
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  217
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Very clever. You start off describing a chess game, as a metaphor for.... oh, no, it's a chess game, really. I very much enjoyed this. The only query I have is the rhyming in stanza four, the lines of which end with techniques/unique/steep/reach. The final three don't appear to me to be near rhymes. Of course, that's just my opinion, it's up to you.

Excellent job, best of luck with this in the contest.

Craig


 Comment Written 28-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
    Hiya, Craig

    Well... to my ear they are near rhymes. Solid rhyme schemes I find, if over done, become quite the bore :)

    Glad you enjoyed this.

    Thank you Craig

    kind regards
Comment by
2020 Short Work Writer of the Year
LisaMay
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  8 (+2)
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  3
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  23
 

#3 Ranked Author

#8 Ranked Poet
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is a very well imagined and written poem... the images conjured up almost describing something like a pre-Raphaelite painting.
Jut checking... in the 3rd stanza, should it be "lead" as you have it, or possibly "led astray" ?


 Comment Written 28-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
    Hi there, Lisa

    You know it's the king on the chessboard speaking right? He is playing chess with the Chessmaster.

    Thanks, I have edited as you suggested. Cheers for that :)

reply by LisaMay on 28-Jan-2019
    Yep, I figured it was the king talking about his beautiful queen being dishonoured and other references. I played a bit of chess years ago. By the way, I love the b/w image of the horse and knight.

reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
    Cheers you, Lisa

reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019



    something to make you smile :)
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