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Reviews from
The Park Bench


< ............. PHILOSOPHICAL Free Verse ...........>

  7 total reviews 
Comment by
Ms. Snyder
 
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
I had some very lovely words and then in an instant my world had been flipped. A person I looked up to her in the forum is gone now for good he has died and he was a welcoming soul to me. I don't know if he reached out to you but he seemed like the sort to try to meet everyone and help whenever he could. His name was Mike (Michael Cahill) and I am just trying to make it through the night. So when I have the chance I will send you my review on this via email.


 Comment Written 03-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 03-Feb-2019
    Was shocked myself. But I did not have any correspondence with him. Will look again at his work.

    Thanks,
    Richard.
Comment by
strandregs
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  Rank:  224 (+9)
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  Rank:  262
 
Excellent
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I like it very much, I think you polished it very well,
it was a pleasure to read , nice story, nice emotional display,
Philosophical like I like, I think you missed an apostrophy on the end of the smiles'.
but i'm no grammar man. :-))Z.


 Comment Written 31-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
    Hi ,

    Thanks for your review.

    I have altered it again!

    No, smiles is a verb here, so no apostrophe.

    [ The apostrophe can be a catastrophe! Hee hee!]
    I feel another poem coming, so I'll stop here.

    Thanks,
    Richard
Comment by
Debra White
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Excellent
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Richard,
Enjoyed this free verse - great imagery.
The punctuation doesn't matter that much to me in free verse - it's your choice and gives it some ambiguity, leaving the reader to decide what certain parts mean..

Just going to copy and paste your poem into this box and then make comments in brackets about anything that stands out in one way or another to me...

Girlfriend's left me

hash tag slash dumped (I don't think there is a need for the slash - teenagers and folk who talk that way, would probably just say hashtag dumped)

i stare into space (I like the extended spaces between the words)

hear a robin sing

see mallards and coots
float on the lake.

The park is forlorn
with a shadowy form (Nice almost rhyme)
a strong wind snaps twigs
and branches are torn. (Also in good keeping with the 'orn/m' rhyme)

Hello?

Zimmerframe man
half step by half step
takes the end of the bench.

Windy day, I say.
Always here, he says, (as in, it's always windy here? - that's how I took it and next line compliments that thought with the added info)
always here for my lunch.

He pulls out a sandwich
wrapped up in newspaper
and then starts to eat
lost in a world of his own.

And me, lone seventeen
sit in desolation
blown away at a stroke
by a rage with a coke. (don't understand this bit .... has he been dumped because he's a coke user, or because she is? or something else maybe?)

Who should pay? (for what?)
Who me?
No way.

Zimmerman finishes the sandwich
folds the crumpled newspaper
tucks it in his pocket, then looks up
conjuring words with his mind.

"The wind, the wind,"
Why does he say things twice;
is he giving advice?
"the wind will blow me home."

His smiles a goodbye, I smile in reply. (internal rhyme - nice)
There's a beginning and end.
Yet he's got more hope
than me who can't cope (Again, like the rhyme thrown in)

in a flash he is gone

vanishes like an elf

then i realise (nice spacing - shows the realisation sinking in)

he is my old self. (like the rhyming and the layout of this section)

Hope my comments are of some use, Richard :)
Best wishes, Debs



 Comment Written 31-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
    Debs,

    Thanks for your comments.

    Have rewritten it.

    Am about to print it for my class tomorrow.

    Thanks,
    Richard

reply by Debra White on 31-Jan-2019
    I hope you haven't made too many changes... message me your final draft - I'd be interested to read it :)

reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
    Debs,

    It's up,
    the final draft is already up on FS.
    Or are you suggesting
    it needs further work.
    I definitely hope not.
    Have bin editin it 6 hours already.
    Am wacked.
    Thanks,
    Richard.

reply by Debra White on 31-Jan-2019
    Not at all - I didn't realise you had edited your post... I will re-read it!

reply by Debra White on 31-Jan-2019
    I like it! It cleared up the queries on my original review and you kept most of the structure - enjoyed the additions too :)
    Hope it goes down well tomorrow... let me know how you get on :) Debs
Comment by
2016 and 2018 Script Write Of The Year
judiverse
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  Rank:  37
 

#6 Ranked Author

#1 Ranked Script Writer!
Excellent
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The poet's voice comes across strongly in this. You don't reveal much about yourself in your profile, so I don't know where you are on the age spectrum, but you reveal the angst of a teenager, wrapped up in loss of a girlfriend and apparently drug use. Problems of a young person can become overblown. Nice touch with the old gentleman who repeats words. Do people really wrap a sandwich in newspaper any more? "The wind will blow me home" is a great line from him. The insight at the end--"he is my old self" really resonates. If you want additional reviews, you need to review and earn those member dollars. It's just a sad fact.


 Comment Written 31-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
    Hi Judy,

    Thanks for your comments.

    Just re-written the poem to make things more clear.

    No people don't wrap their sandwiches in newspaper but
    'wrapped in a little self-sealing plastic bag'
    does not sound quite right.

    I am 67, so very close to being the old man.

    This is a homework poem, the theme being "Young person, old person."

    PS: There were no drugs in the original version of the poem, but all my Reviewers managed to sneak some in.
    Had to put a STOP to that! Ha ha ha!

    Stay warm. Avoid the vortex.

    Thanks,
    Richard.

reply by judiverse on 31-Jan-2019
    You're very welcome. You could have fooled me! You came across as the young bloke, all right, down to vocabulary and attitude. I'm even more impressed with that, learning your age. judi
Comment by
tbacha58
 
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Excellent
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OH, Richard, wow, amazing, outstanding, unbelievable, your poem or script I don't know, but I just fell in love with your writing, everything is a puzzle, one has to read it all to find out what is that poem talking about. A Bench. Then the translation was you before young and now. Please keep us busy here at Fanstory. Just think and write to make us happy the reviewers. Love Terry xoxoxo
I wish I had that six star. To shine like your poem.


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
    Thanks Terry,

    Took 30 minutes to write this poem, then 4 hours to improve it.
    Thanks for your generous comments.
    Have a great day,
    Richard
Comment by
gramalot8
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Richard, very good writing with this one. I like your picture choice. Very good imagery with your words as well. Loved the last unexpected line. Thanks for sharing this with us.


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
    Thanks.

    This is the first poem that I have spent a lot of time improving it.
    But I'm glad I did.

    Have a fab day,

    Richard.
Comment by
Carola Fernandez
 
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  Rank:  318
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Excellent
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Excellent writing piece. You are a good storyteller. You kept the reader interested. Nice rhyming. I like the title and the closing - "Then i realise he is my old self" - unexpected ending, but very good! You may need to correct the spelling of "realise" to realize" , and "i" to "I" . A comma after the would not be a bad idea either. The picture goes well with your poem. Best wishes!


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2019



reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
    Hi Carola,

    Thanks for your review.

    My spelling is normally UK English, so it's consistent.

    Sometimes I say Humor [ aka humour, UK English] as I know most readers are North American.

    The punctuation is non-conventional, but allowed as part of "Poetic Licence."

    All the punctuation and layout are deliberate.

    I spent 4 hours last night finalising it into the current shape.

    Thanks for your comments, and
    Have a Great Day,

    Richard
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