A Race To Save A Family
1,360 words. Can Lew stop the future from happening?
Pays: 10 points.
96 member cents
Contact Us | En español    
         Join today or login

Status

New Here?
Sign Up
Fast! Three Questions.

Already a member?
Login

Contests

100 Word Flash Fiction
Deadline: In 2 Days

Haiku Poetry Contest
Deadline: In 3 Days

ABC Poetry Contest
Deadline: Mar 9th

6 Word Poetry
Deadline: Mar 13th

Cinquain Poetry
Deadline: Mar 16th


Writing Classes

0 classes available. Click here locate a class and to learn more.

Rank

Poet: None
Author: None
Novel: None
Reviewer:None
Votes: None






Reviews from
Highland View


An exercise in internal and cross rhyme

  31 total reviews 
Comment by
ciliverde
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  43 (+3)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  192
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This really is wonderful, my only comment is the line "...I had frustrated grown"
What about something like, "truncated range; frustrated ire had grown..." just something that flows more like normal English.
The rest of it reads like a fast-paced story, one is drawn through the lines with high interest, and it is beautiful. What a trip that must have been!
Carol


 Comment Written 21-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 21-Feb-2019
    The points on the stag were exaggerated to make a better story, but the rest is exactly as it happened. Thanks for looking at this. I did make a change to that line. It now reads 'truncated range. Frustrated too I'd grown,' The 'too gives me an additional cross rhyme with 'new' at the end of the previous line. What do you think?

reply by ciliverde on 22-Feb-2019
    I think that sounds much better. I don't know if I ever said this, but some of your poetry has a rather muscular feel to it. Not sure how to explain it better, and it's not a bad thing! This poem is a good example. It's good stuff :)

reply by the author on 22-Feb-2019
    There you have me. I am not sure what you mean 'a rather muscular feel' to poetry, but I suppose I should be happy that you do not consider it a bad thing. I must go away and think thoughts as weak as water and try to be less of a poetic fitness freak. Talking of fitness you haven't mentioned running for a long time. Is that just because you have not been well recently?
Comment by
Treischel
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
 
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
A well written story of spotting a sixteen point stag during a walk in the highlands. You convey the drama and delight of the experience. I love the flows of this excellent format. It must have a name. ABAB rhymed Quatrains on progressive meter would be 4,6,8,10, but 4,8,10,10 is unique. . Lots of the use of inter-stanzaic enjambment. With the buildup, I was expecting more in-line and cross rhyming than I found. I did find a sly, slanted, cross rhyme in eyes/meters. I couldn't find any in the second stanza. Lots of alliteration in the third. Might be a form of crossed in-line rhyming in the fourth with alerted/herd. In the fifth , we have a delightful trio of in-line: there, they're, unaware. In the sixth I only find alliteration. In the seventh, we have definite, clever slant rhyming: Obedient/they won't, height/foot, some slanted in-line: yet/height, hinds/behind; and alliteration: his/hinds, fleet/foot. Cross rhyme in the last stanza: 'till/fill; in-line he/be. I like the format. The poem was delightful.


 Comment Written 19-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 20-Feb-2019
    Thank you so much for this detailed review. The form is in iambic metre. Line 1 - dimeter. Line 2 - tetrameter. Lines 3 & 4 pentameter. End rhyme scheme is alternate. Any internal and cross rhyming is up to the poet. The form has no name as yet. you can have the honour of naming it if you wish.

    I believe that the thing that makes it unique though is the punctuation and enjambment. The joke being that. read aloud it sounds like free verse, despite the plethora of rhyme of various types. Without that I don't think the form would really be worthy of note.

    When I had written it I was surprised at the amount of internal and cross rhyme that had worked its way in there. I would not want to include it as part of the form though as too tight a form is ultimately restricting. I feel that the slant, internal and cross rhyming here works within the context of the content. For example, in S4 the end 'rhymes' are far, air, near and for. But what do you call that? It is not assonance as all the vowel sounds are different. It is not consonance despite each word ending in the letter 'r', because none of those 'rs' are aspirate so there is no 'sonance'. What I believe it does by twitching the vowel sound is to echo the unease of the herd at that point.

    We discussed this in class and Tony Fawcus came up with a term he had received off Ray Griffin in one of his rhyme classes. Ray called it 'subliminal assonance', which reflects the element of euphony present plus a little extra something.

    I still have your email address so I will send you a copy of my eventual analysis by way of an attachment, in case you are interested.

    The six stars were an added reward so thanks also for them.


reply by Treischel on 20-Feb-2019
    Yes, I would be interested.
    I like tony's suggestion. I think the rhymes you suggest fall under the category of near rhyme. As for a name, the 4,8,10,10 construct suggests a Terrace. I also agree that the enjambment is an essential characteristic. How about calling it a Terraced Jamgynt? or a Pantyjam Plateau?
Comment by
Pam (respa)
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  14
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  29
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
-Very nice image and presentation.
-Your notes are appreciated.
-A well penned poem that paints
a vivid picture of your experience.
-I like how you develop the poem
with the description of the setting,
noticing the stag and the herd,
and trying to stay out of their view.
-But they are sensitive creatures,
and as soon as "the scent carried...
That monarch's off in flight..."
-I like the conclusion because
you never intended for him to
leave, but his instincts told
him otherwise.
-I enjoyed this poem very much
and appreciate all of the poetics
you employed to write it.


 Comment Written 18-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
    Thank you so much for this appreciative review and the six stars. I am so pleased you got so much out of it.

reply by Pam (respa) on 19-Feb-2019
    You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and the review. I appreciate your reply, and I enjoyed the poem.
Comment by
A. Willow Bends
Premier Author
Wendy
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  125 (+1)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  160
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
What a fascinating experience that must have been! You have captured the very essence of it in the poem and in the picture. I truly appreciate the author notes also, very informative, but the poem stands well without the explanation. It is wonderful. I am out of sixes. Sorry. This is a very well done, unique and creative format and I love it. Great job!
Extraordinary!
Wendy


 Comment Written 18-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019

    Thank you so much for this enthusiastic review. I am so pleased you felt the poem could stand on its own.
Comment by
Susanjohn
Level 2 Pro
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  630
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
That's sounds like quite a story..how cool that you were able to put it all togther inthis poem. I enjoyed this poem filled with ryhmes/slants/cross etc.. :-)


 Comment Written 18-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 19-Feb-2019
    Thank you so much for this great review. Strangely enough the slants etc. kind of happened and were not originally planned. That is probably the best and most natural way. I only realised they were there when reading through after writing it.
Comment by
Shirley McLain
Premier Author
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  160
Author Rating For Short Works
  Rank:  33
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  131
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Beautiful picture set to words that were so descriptive. You could see that buck and cows chewing on their cud but alert to be able to run at a moments notice. Very easy and enjoyable to read. Shirley


 Comment Written 18-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
    Thank you so much for this encouraging review.
Comment by
Louise Michelle
 
Poet Rating
 
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  87
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
It's always enjoyable to read different types of experimentations in a poem. 'I had frustrated grown' I really like that, very smooth.

Too bad we humans can't sniff out dangerous characters in life. There would probably be a lot less murders. Best Wishes, Lou






 Comment Written 18-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
    Thank you for this encouraging review. I don't think we would really appreciate an animal's sense of smell. There are some pretty ghastly odours around.
Comment by
Pearl Edwards
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  59 (+2)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Script Rating
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  103
 
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
My mind is wobbling with this form Jim. My gosh it reads so smoothly, tells a great tale, but so many things to think of in the writing of it. wow
cheers,
valda


 Comment Written 18-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
    Thank you so much for this superb review and grading. a word of caution however as to the 'form'. Four iambic line stanzas of alternate rhyme, in the order dimeter, tetrameter pentameter, pentameter. That is the form. The internal and cross rhyme is random as the writer wishes. I wrote this initially without realising the proliferation on of slant internal and cross rhyme. Later analysis showed me how much of it there was and how well it fitted the mood of the content, but no one should try to replicate the incidence of it.
Comment by
gmartinez247
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  199
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Author Rating For Novels
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  204
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
O'dor, a hunters lament. Interesting captivating read and concept themed Short story. Thank you for sharing this and Good Luck if entered in a contest, with the classes as well.


 Comment Written 17-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
    Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this. your comparison is interesting.
Comment by
victor 66
Premier Author
Premier Reader
 
Poet Rating
  Rank:  224 (+1)
Author Rating For Short Works
 
Review Stars
  Rank:  282
 
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
This is a very nice poem with author's notes that were most informative. Just your explanation of your poetic format, is outside my realm of complete comprehension. But I do get the gist. If you don't mind, I'd like to use this poem as template if I decide to try an exercise in internal and cross rhyme. I wish you well.


 Comment Written 17-Feb-2019



reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
    Thank you for reviewing this so positively. You are welcome to use this as a template for the form. A word of warning however. Four iambic line stanzas of alternate rhyme, in the order dimeter, tetrameter pentameter, pentameter. That is the form. The internal and cross rhyme is random as the writer wishes. I wrote this initially without realising the proliferation on of slant internal and cross rhyme. Later analysis showed me how much of it there was and how well it fitted the mood of the content, but no one should try to replicate the incidence of it. Form should always be the tool and never the master.

reply by victor 66 on 18-Feb-2019
    I am so bad at the mechanics of poetry that I can use all the advice I can get. Thank you.

reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
    Pleased to be of service.
  -1-  2 3 4  Next Page 


Market your book.
Advertising options.
St. Louis Chapter 23 part 1
Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?

Pays: 10 points.
1.00 member dollars
A poem
A Beauty's Form
A Bellean Sonnet (read notes)

Share or Bookmark
  Contact Us | En español | Advertise With Us

© 2015 FanStory.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Terms under which this service is provided to you. Privacy