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Pandemonium

A mine disaster stage play.

6 total reviews

Comment by

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Dolly'sPoems

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Excellent

Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I liked the contrast between the calm act of knitting and the disaster at the mine! I could picture the characters and the sorrow, I wish you luck with the contest, you get my vote, love Dolly x

Comment Written 01-Mar-2019

reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019

.

Christine,

Thanks for your review.

The original aim was to do a Jurassic Park, where the cast get chewed up for a reason.

Here, the original story, the Krebs mine disaster, is much more complicated.

So I simply told part of a generic story via the Grans.

Just before writing, I got a big "sayings and phrases" type book from Calke Abbey second hand bookshop.

Then I discovered half the sayings were American. So I stuffed in as many in as possible.

Of course most non-Americans are not aware of them!

As 100 died at Krebs, I originally wanted to repeat the macabre news 100 times. But a bit OTT, so reduced it drastically.

Also got quotes from a hymn book, which is full of good lines to say over the dead.

Also, I noticed that nearly all hymns start off with a scene on earth and then, on or before the last verse, you end up in heaven, with the glorious host.

Maybe congregations have always been made up of old people!

Thanks,

Richard.

.

Comment by

lyenochka

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Excellent

I like the way you set up this drama with people coming in and delivering the news. Also, Bet is a very interesting character who sometimes speaks and sometimes just quotes. Great job with the play structure and story!

Comments:
"Two Grandma's sit knitting front of a house" (grandmas) the apostrophe would make it a possessive, not a plural.

In notes: "There was a mine disaster at Krebs, Oaklahoma" (Oklahoma)

Comment Written 28-Feb-2019

reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019

.

Helen,

Thanks for your comments.

Have corrected the Grans. Will correct the Oklahoma.

In a script you are supposed to immediately recognise a character by what they say. Hence Bet is lop-sided towards hymn lines and American phrases.

Thanks,

Richard.

.

reply by lyenochka on 01-Mar-2019

It was a fun way to do the script. I did that with a character who just quoted, also.

reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019

Yes "also" is a good idea.

Comment by

Maria Millsaps

Review Stars

Good

Hello, I liked that you took a historical event and wrote a screenplay about it. That being said, a screenplay has specific formatting, and there are software e.g. Final Draft, and Movie online to help you grasp the general spacing standards. The scene heading is a one-line description of the location, time of day of a scene, known as a "slugline." When the narrative describes the events of the scene it is written in the present tense and it is not indented. When characters are introduced their name should be capitalized within the action. For example, JUNE runs in from the left stage. Finally, a character's name is CAPPED and always listed above his lines of dialogue.

I hope this helps you with formatting your screenplay.

Comment Written 26-Feb-2019

reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019

Hi Maria,

Thanks for your comments.

In fact I was trying to use BBC radio drama formatting.

I have now added this point in "Notes" under the piece.

But I appreciate the standard Drama script format is better for FanStory.

Thanks,

Richard.

Comment by

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Ulla

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Excellent

Hi there, ahh, so there's a fanstory competition going on. That's why we suddenly see so many scripts at the moment. I liked your entry a lot and I wish you good luck in the contest.All best. Ulla:))

Comment Written 26-Feb-2019

reply by the author on 26-Feb-2019

Hi Ulla,

Thanks for your comments.

I never would have thought of writing American style,
but most on Fanstory are that way born.

I spent as long editing Pandemonium as writing it.

There is no script style format in Fanstory.

I wanted to put some Native Americans in the story, but maybe that's for my next story.

Did you see the "Judy" in the script?

That an homage to Judiverse who asked me to submit a script.

There was only one entry to the competition at the time!

PS why call it a "blind" contest, where "this means your posted work will have no means to identify you."

Surely you well identified me!

I'm not that anonymous.

Thanks,

Richard.

Comment by

royowen

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Excellent

Well done, a very thorough script, very dramatic, the central characters are just enough, the background moves at a frenetic pace, but then it would have to. Good directions for the cast, a lot happens in a short time, it would have to be a soliloquy, with the mind speak of some character, well done, good entry, thorough with directions, good job, good luck, blessings, Roy

Comment Written 26-Feb-2019

reply by the author on 26-Feb-2019

.

Hi Roy,

Have returned to FS after a 2 year break.

I enjoy writing.

In this piece I experimented with American phrases, most of which will mean little outside America.

Also took many lines from a hymn book!

Well, with a 100-dead mine disaster, a hymn book is the place to look!

[Most who sing hymns have already got one foot in the grave.

Then as they sing, they imagine both feet in it!]

I jest.

It's now 8.20 pm in England. Probably its 8.20 am in Adelaide.

Thanks,

Richard.

.

reply by royowen on 26-Feb-2019

That's a pretty good time guess, although you're right on Sydney time well done Richard, welcome back, Roy

Comment by

Ms. Snyder

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Excellent

Hi Richard,
I think this is the one you wanted me to check for Americanized lingo - it seems okay. Please check your spelling of Wagon, I believe you have two g's in one of the spellings other than that the story seems to go along okay. It isn't a very fun story and it is rather monotone with the reveals of dead men. It is almost a matter of fact there is no emotional outburst or quality to the responses are you sure that is the way to have it? I would say that people would be far more distraught over the death of anyone in a mine. They would be sobbing and someone would faint during this time it was devastating to lose someone in a mine disaster it wasn't stoic like this. But that is just my take. People really broke down. Okay, you have to keep it 10 min I get it - but females aren't these powerhouse medics. My two cents. Cheers, Fonda

Comment Written 26-Feb-2019

reply by the author on 26-Feb-2019

Fonda,

Thanks for your comments.

I always miss the elephant in the room!

So I've now put in some weeping.

Thanks,

Richard.

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