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Comment by | | | | | Review Stars
Rank: 609 | | | |
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| I like your idea and this has much potential, but your last line is 9 syllables and not 7 which would disqualify you from the contest.--How about, "goes sky high or fall in dumps" to make it 7 syllables. omitting unnecessary words? You must have got it confused with 3-5-9 syllable entries. I'm not sure why Chance is capitalized? I think some author notes might be needed to also help the reader understand your message as it's a little unclear. Would it make more sense for it to say, "dance [with] chance instead or "of" Chance?--I'm not sure who chance is. I'd be happy to re-review upon correcting it to the appropriate syllable counts and if you agree too that some more explanation in your notes are needed? Best,
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Comment Written 09-Apr-2019 |
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reply by the author on 09-Apr-2019
I was confused and thought it should be 9 syllables. Thank you very much for suggesting .I have corrected it and also added the notes that I am personifying Chance here.
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reply by the author on 09-Apr-2019
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reply by Ross E Silke on 10-Apr-2019
Thanks for your reply.--I updated the score, but I think the second line is still a little unclear and awkward the grammar. Maybe it should read "of Chance [in] my life"--instead of 'on' my life and maybe 'with' Chance instead of 'of' Chance, which doesn't really make sense from my point of view. I hope that helps.
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reply by the author on 10-Apr-2019
I wanted to started the poem with Chance. chance dancing on your life can be lucky or unlucky.But i just could not achieve the syllable count properly .So in frustration I started with 'Dance'.I used 'on' because you normally dance on a surface.Chance is personified as dancing in peoples lives.( I am no good with syllable counts .free verse any day.)In India there is a saying "you must dance on chance" ,meaning don't miss any opportunity .I just wanted to reverse the thing because some chances are unexpected and we dont have to do anything .you simply strike a jackpot or otherwise. A few more lines would have been better.Thank you very much for taking this trouble.
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reply by Ross E Silke on 10-Apr-2019
Thanks for your reply, Sanku. I appreciate you explanation further into this. I think I understand now why you worded so, and being of a different nationality. I'm Canadian so to me the grammar doesn't fit well, but due to your explanation, I will adjust my review again to an excellent. I appreciate your notes and effort to help the reader understand. I would greatly encourage you to add some author notes to explain more for your readers of different origins. Best,
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